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The Evster Kicks Ryan Braun Out of the Tribe

Jul 26, 2013, 10:47 AM EDT

source:  I don’t think you realize how devastating this whole Ryan Braun steroids thing is to Jewish people. To most non-Jews, it was just “another dude on PEDs” and doesn’t matter because “the Milwaukee Brewers aren’t even a real team” and another reminder that “I have to go to the dentist”. But to an entire population of people whose greatest athletic achievement revolves around Corey Pavin’s sweater vest collection, it was the ultimate kick in the pants.

And don’t talk to me about Sandy Koufax! All us Jews have heard enough about Sandy Koufax! We’re all very proud of Uncle Sandy thank you very much but dude hasn’t painted a corner since the Johnson administration. And Hank Greenberg, yeah he was cool, probably as cool as you could be with a last name like Greenberg, but I’m not entirely convinced he wasn’t juicing either. The guy had forearms like a mule. He might have actually been a mule. Sports medicine wasn’t really a thing back in the 30s, so there’s a very good chance that Hank Greenberg was in fact a mule. Ryan Braun though? Not a mule … good-looking … or at least not mule-looking … Home Run Champ! … MVP! … Rookie of the OMG do you know who he’s engaged to?!

Now that Braun’s suspended for the year, we’re left to cheer on Ian Kinsler as our best active Jewish ballplayer. Do you have any idea what it’s like when a guy hitting TWO EIGHTY EIGHT is the best you’ve got? Remember in the 80s when you PRAYED that Von Hayes could get his average above .300 so that mayyyyybbbbeeee he could get his stupid name in the league leaders column? That’s what it’s like. Ugh, his hair was horrible. There’s also Jason Marquis (who just had Tommy John surgery!) and Kevin Youkilis, known best for that ridiculous batting stance I mean seriously what are you doing dude just put your damn hands together and ugh, that goatee. Embarrassing.

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Sue Birdenberg

Basketball’s even worse. Amar’e doesn’t count (but if he did, OH, BUT IF HE DID), no living person has ever seen Dolph Schayes play, and Omri Casspi straight up suckssssssss. So it basically comes down to Sue Bird. Not that I’m complaining about Sue Bird, I love Sue Bird — as a player, not as a sex object (but also as a sex object) — but c’monnnnnnnnnnn.

Football? Wanna talk football? Lyle Alzado is another guilt-ridden Jew who was all ‘roided up. There’s Sid Luckman, who was a phenomenal quarterback in an era when no one threw the ball. And the two-headed monster Dolphins QB Combo Platter of Jay Fiedler and Sage Rosenfels, who very well could be the same person. Also, I’m not kidding, there used to be an offensive lineman for the Cleveland Browns whose name is … and I’m being 100% dead serious here … are you ready for it … this is real … his name was … Lennie … Friedman.

LENNIE FRIEDMAN.

HIS NAME WAS LENNIE FRIEDMAN.

FIRST NAME LENNIE.

LAST NAME FRIEDMAN.

NO COOL PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAS EVER BEEN NAMED LENNIE FRIEDMAN.

Swimming though, we’ve got some great swimmers! Dara Torres, Jason Lezak and MARK SPITZENBERG. But then again, swimming! This might be a good time to mention that Olympic Gymnast Mitch Gaylord is Jewish. Then there’s Goldberg, the wrestler, who was a fantastic champion in a sport centered around the wonderful world of make believe.

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Bonkers

In The Bleacher Report’s list of the 25 Greatest Jewish Athletes of All-Time, #13 was Marty Hogan, A RACQUETBALL PLAYER. Now don’t get me wrong, racquetball is intense, but I guarantee you that the 13th guy on the bench of the 1990 UNLV Runnin’ Rebels was a far better athlete than Marty “Blue Balls” Hogan.

And I’m not trying to disrespect racquetball, I’m really not. That sport is bonkers. I played last week with a friend and almost died. At first I thought I was going to die from a good ole fashioned backhand to the throat, but turns out the easiest way to die on the court is heart palpitations. You know those movies from the 80s where some hot shot Wall Street exec invites the sweet, young up-and-comer to play racquetball in an attempt to humiliate him and let him know who’s boss? That was me, except in the movies, the young guy who struggles at the start eventually gets his wind, figures out the angles and ends up giving his boss a run for his money. The longer I played the more time I spent doubled over in the corner, weeping. When I wasn’t chasing after balls and bashing into solid plaster walls, I was chasing after balls and bashing into solid plate glass windows. Later, after taking a shower in the locker room, I didn’t realize LA Fitness is B.Y.O.TOWEL, so I had to dry myself off with my shoe. I also witnessed an old Asian dude blow dry every part of his body besides his full head of hair, even going so far as to PUT HIS FOOT UP ON THE SINK to dry off his nibblers.

He was very agile, this Asian fella, very agile.

What was this post about again?

Right, Ryan Braun.

The thing is, yeah, we love controlling Hollywood, and dominating the comedy scene, and the Beastie Boys have done more for our people than Moses himself, but sports, everyone just wants to be good at sports. When you’re good at sports, people like you. Chicks wanna bang you. Dudes give you dap. As I sit here at my cubicle, typing on this stupid computer while my co-worker Lorraine talks into her HANDSFREE HEADSET, I still have to believe that there’s no sweeter life to lead than that of an all-star athlete. (Well, except for being a rap star or a giraffe photographer.) And Ryan Braun was doing that, as a Jew, representing an entire nation of scrubs — and he was actually good! Really good! A lot better than Shawn Green and Mike Lieberthal and he even had potential to be better than — hold your breath now, Jewish people — Sandy Koufax.

And there’s a gaspppppppppp from the congregation.

Please be seated.

But now Braun is a liar, and a bum, and a disgrace to the chosen people, relegated to the status of just another corny Jewish dude named Ryan. We all know Ryan. He works at his dad’s law firm. He has a weirdo kid who he posts pictures of on Facebook. He hangs out in Margate. He sucks at softball.

So the search is on for the next great / decent / somewhat better than mediocre Jewish athlete. It doesn’t seem like Jordan Farmar’s career is gonna pan out quite the way I once envisioned. And it turns out that Max Scherzer is actually not Jewish (which we should have known by┬áhis 14-1 record and 3.14 ERA). I’m starting to think that maybe Amar’e Stoudemire is Jewish? Pretty sure I went to Hebrew school with a guy named Amar’e. Mighta been Ari. Mighta been like 45 different kids named Ari. But did you know that Amar’e is currently an assistant coach for the Canadian Maccabi team? You gotta be pretty friggin’ Jewish to wanna hang out with that many other Jewish people. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m pretty sure that with a little convincing, Amar’e could easily become my Uncle Ivan’s favorite athlete of all time.

Well, except for Sue Bird.

Whose mother is Christian by the way.

Is there any way that one day racquetball becomes one of the four major sports?

How ’bout dentistry?

I cannot tell you, how absolutely ecstatic I am, that Shawn Bradley is a Mormon.

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

  1. meechone - Jul 26, 2013 at 10:52 AM

    I just read an entire post on jewish athletes and no mention of Tamir Goodman?

    Why do I even bother??

    Reply
    • theevster - Jul 26, 2013 at 10:55 AM

      THAT GUY WAS A FRAUD AND YOU KNOW IT, MEECH

      Reply
      • meechone - Jul 26, 2013 at 11:44 AM

        WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER I SAID?????

  2. Negativo - Jul 26, 2013 at 10:54 AM

    Jason kipnis. Get to know him.

    Reply
    • theevster - Jul 26, 2013 at 10:56 AM

      practicing Catholic!

      Reply
      • Negativo - Jul 26, 2013 at 1:19 PM

        Once a Jew always a Jew… amar’e definitely counts.

  3. Angelo - Jul 26, 2013 at 10:57 AM

    This is an exercise in futility – if you kicked out every member of the tribe who has cheated the system for their own gain, you’d be left with an empty plot of land and a hut.

    Reply
    • Kunk - Jul 26, 2013 at 11:20 AM

      What kind of a hut are we talkin’ about here? Pizza? Sunglass? Cuz I’d take an empty plot of land and a Sunglass Hut 7 days a week and twice on Sunday.

      Anyone every been in a yurt before?

      Reply
  4. Karl Dykhuis - Jul 26, 2013 at 10:57 AM

    Now he can join the cast of SNL

    Reply
  5. philsoc8 - Jul 26, 2013 at 11:25 AM

    Two with potential for future greatness on the Union: Zach Pfeffer (I know people who went to Hebrew School with him) and Zach MacMath.

    Reply
    • theevster - Jul 26, 2013 at 11:35 AM

      Well there you have it folks, a double-dipper Zach-attack.

      Jewish athletes are back!

      CONVERSATION OVAH

      Reply
  6. @MennoniteMafia - Jul 26, 2013 at 12:02 PM

    Kickin. You have Braun. Us Mennonites had Floyd Landis. Who is still cool by the way because he single handedly stood up to Lance Armstrong.

    Not that anyone cares, but we like our athletes too… as far as I can count we got Erik Kratz and Chris Heisey in the MLB. There are a lot of Mennos in Central Canada though and as such we rule the NHL with James Reimer, Jonathan Toews, Dustin Penner and Robyn Regehr. Who knows there could be more.

    I think it has to do with coming from a small community. When someone ends up on the world stage, we like to follow them and feel part of it!

    Reply
    • Lol - Jul 26, 2013 at 1:19 PM

      Yeah, I’m pretty sure there’s a decent amount of good jewish NHLers. Pretty sure Hartnell is, although his skill level is hotly debated.

      Reply
      • Negativo - Jul 26, 2013 at 1:25 PM

        Cammalari, Dubinsky, nick grossmann, and Marty turco, and Jeff Halpern off the top of my head.

        We don’t want Scotty fallsdown.

      • Huh - Jul 26, 2013 at 10:22 PM

        On 24/7 Hartnell went to church on Christmas (or Christmas Eve) with a couple of the guys. Not that this means anything, really, but just thought I’d mention it.

  7. willh888 - Jul 26, 2013 at 1:06 PM

    On the other hand, there’s Kevin Youkilis. Tradition

    Reply
  8. GTown_Dave - Jul 26, 2013 at 1:28 PM

    Cheer up, you’ve still got career .235/.310/.353 batter & current Phillies GM Ruben Amaro, Jr. to claim!

    Reply
  9. r0tcod - Jul 26, 2013 at 1:29 PM

    What about Mike (half) Lieberthal?

    Reply
  10. Just the Facts - Jul 26, 2013 at 3:03 PM

    MLB Jewish Players:
    Craig Breslow, Ike Davis, Scott Feldman, Nate Freiman, Sam Fuld, John Grabow, Adam Greenberg, Brian Horwitz, Ryan Kalish, Ian Kinsler, Ryan Lavarnway, Jason Marquis, Aaron Poreda, Josh Satin, Ryan Sadowski, Michael Schwimer, Adam Stern, Danny Valencia, Josh Whitesell & Kevin Youkilis.

    NBA Jewish Players:
    Omri Casspi, Jordan Farmar, Yotam Halperin & Amar’e Stoudemire.

    NFL Jewish Players:
    David Binn, Greg Camarillo, Gabe Carimi, Brian de la Puente, Antonio Garay, Adam Goldberg, Kyle Kosier, Erik Lorig, Taylor Mays, Igor Olshansky, Adam Podlesh, Sage Rosenfels, Geoff Schwartz & Mitchell Schwartz.

    NHL Jewish Players:
    Mike Brown, Michael Cammalleri, Jeff Halpern, Eric Nystrom, Dylan Reese, Trevor Smith & Brett Sterling.

    Reply
    • theevster - Jul 26, 2013 at 3:38 PM

      The three 12-yr-old kids currently playing with fire in my neighbor’s driveway are all better athletes than those dudes you just listed.

      Reply
      • Just the Facts - Jul 26, 2013 at 10:33 PM

        I didn’t say they were good players. They’re all the Jewish players in the big four sports.

  11. Scott - Jul 26, 2013 at 3:16 PM

    Stewart Bradley. Mormon.

    Reply
  12. sfsu - Jul 28, 2013 at 12:00 AM

    To imply that Sandy Koufax didnt use amphetamines is pretty funny.

    The only Jews that feel betrayed by Ryan Braun are 1) those who group people into religious categories for no reason and 2) those who dont understand that the steroid paranoia is just as bad as Reefer Madness 70 years ago. People in 2113 will laugh at this horseshit.

    I just cant believe that a society who pays athletes 8 figures loses its shit when said athletes *gasp* try to improve their own bodies (you know, their only fucking asset).

    If you are ashamed by Braun, then you also support the thousands of young non-violent Americans who are incarcerated for walking down the street with a dimebag in their sock. I understand thats an unpopular opinion, but if it wasnt unpopular, then a dimebag of crack in your sock wouldnt legally mean your life is fucked.

    Its a ridiculously slippery slope when you start bitching about steroids.

    Reply
  13. BenE. - Jul 30, 2013 at 12:56 PM

    I don’t care about Ryan Braun, let alone Evster talking about him. But I did just make a comment on this post.

    Reply
  14. juggadore - Aug 26, 2013 at 9:24 AM

    i’m indian. get over it.

    Reply

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