Jun 7, 2013, 11:05 AM EDT
Full disclosure: I have watched a grand total of five innings of Phillies baseball this year, and four of those innings were on Tuesday night. (I really like that Jeff Mayberry fella!) But despite my lack of viewing, I still follow what’s going on, am aware that Cliff Lee has been amazing, and am not a total bozo — so when I heard last week that Ruben Amaro was shopping Cliff Lee (AGAIN), I had a mini-meltdown.
This is Cliff Lee we’re talking about! 7-2, 2.45ERA, sprints off the mound in between innings, Cliff Lee! Why does he continue to be tossed around the league like Alyssa Milano?! Is nothing sacred?!
So here are my Top Six Reasons to Absolutely, Positively, Not Trade Cliff Lee
Reason #1 – Trading for Prospects is Friggin’ Dumb
In the past four years, Cliff Lee has been traded three times, and in each one of those trades the team dealing Lee hasn’t gotten dick.
In 2009, the Phils traded Carlos Carrasco, Jason Donald, Jason Knapp and BIG DADDY LOU MARSON for Lee. If you recall, the Indians WOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES do the deal if Carrasco was not involved. Since then, Carrasco has won 10 career games, and is currently TEARING IT UP in the minors. Before being sent down to AAA this April, he posted an ERA of 17.18 for the Indians. Did you read that correctly? Go back and look at that statistic again. The guy had an earned run average of SEVENTEEN POINT ONE EIGHT. If/when Carrasco is recalled, he’ll also have to serve an 8-game suspension for repeatedly throwing at batters. Also, Marson is 0 for 3 on the season, and has a lifetime batting average of .219.
Later that year, Amaro dealt Lee to Seattle for 2023 Cy Young Award winner, J.C. Ramirez, Phillippe Aumont (he’s from Quebec!) and Tyson Gillies, who according to Wikipedia is nicknamed “The Hamster” because of his recurring hamstring injuries.
YOU WANT MORE PROOF THAT TRADING CLIFF LEE SUCKS BUTT?
In 2010, Lee was traded from Seattle to Texas for Justin SMUH-SMUH-SMUH-SMOAKE (.240 — 3HR — 8RBI this year), Blake Beaven (real name!), Josh Leuke (aka Josh Puke) and Matt Lawson (currently poppin’ bottles for AAA Columbus at a .250 clip).
Trade value schmade value!
Reason #2 – Cliff Lee Actually Wants to Live in Philadelphia
Dude, I know, if you give it your all here, no one will love you more than Philly fans. John’s Roast Pork is the greatest. Beanie Sigel actually shoots people. Philly 4 Lyfe. Whatever. No human being in their right mind actually wants to live in Philadelphia. Last week, when it was 93% humidity, I wore seven pairs of underwear in one day. My next-door neighbor has rocked jean shorts for three straight weeks. If it wasn’t for your stupid friends and family, you would’ve moved to Barcelona years ago. Have you ever seen a Catalan woman Flamenco dance? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CATALAN WOMAN FLAMENCO DANCE?
So after playing in three cities in two years, Cliff and his family decided they wanted to settle down. Enough with the moving, the living out of boxes, the kids having to switch schools over and over. And seeing as the Lees could choose WHEREVER THEY WANTED TO LIVE, they chose Philadelphia. The guy and his wife — actual human beings — chose Philadelphia. THAT’S WEIRD.
Do you remember how much you hate Scott Rolen? Because for all intents and purposes, Scott Rolen was the QUINTESSENTIAL Philly ballplayer. Do you remember why you hate Scott Rolen?
It’s nice to have someone who wants to be here.
And it’s nice to not live out of a stinkin’ box! The last time I moved was five years ago and I still have no idea where my NBA Superstars tape is.
Reason #3 – That Amazing Catch vs. the Yankees
Doc’s reverse scooper vs. the Lakers, Wes Hopkins breaking Ernest Givins’s nose, and Cliff Lee’s basket catch in the World Series. We already knew he was a pimp, but Lee solidified himself as my wife’s favorite athlete of all time after that catch. When I play company softball at the Belmont Plateau, I stand out in left field dreaming of making a play like Cliff’s. Last Tuesday, I took a slice of pizza out with me to the field, just to give myself a better chance of making that dream a reality. So there I was, shoveling pepperoni into my face, when a lazy fly ball was hit right toward me. This was the moment I’d been waiting my whole office career for, making a catch while eating dinner. The chicks who I work with were gonna love it, they’d be sending me selfies in no time. And then as the ball came down, I panicked, threw my pizza on the ground and made a stupid, fundamental two-handed grab. Rickey Henderson woulda scoffed. Then a dude came zipping by a 4-wheeler and I screamed like a mule. I have not showed my face in the office since.
#4 – But Evster, Trading Cliff Lee Will Free Up Lots of Money
Shut up. There’s no salary cap in baseball. Money doesn’t matter. The Phils organization makes plenty of dough already and can spend as much or as little as they choose.
#5 Name One Person Named Cliff Who You Don’t Like
It’s impossible. Cliff Huxtable, Cliff Robinson, Cliff Clavin. Three for three, all solid dudes. Plus, my brother’s college roommate was named Cliff and when I was 13, he gave me a stack of nudie mags. Yes, most of them were from the 70s and featured ladies wearing tube socks, but they were still women and they were still (almost) naked, and for that I am forever grateful.
#6 Gotta Give the Lee-Halladay-Hamels Rotation One Stinkin’ Chance Before Blowin’ It Up
The Phillies put this staff together for a reason. Get us to the playoffs and these guys will do the rest. Granted, most of the guys on this team stink (lookin’ at you, Laynce), Roy Halladay’s arm might fall off at any moment (he’ll be fine), and before Wednesday night, Cole Hamels was lookin’ more like Carlos Carrasco (figuratively!). So with Lee still in town, combined with KAPTAIN KYLE KENDRICK and a late September pickup of , oh, I dunno, Pedro Martinez, we’ll be poised to make another championship run.
That is of course if someone on this team besides Dominic Brown can learn how to hit a friggin’ baseball.
Cliff Lee is batting .281 this year by the way.
You tellin’ me he can’t hit in the 2-hole?
Also, did someone in this world really name their son, Tyler Cloyd?
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