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The Evster’s Top Six Reasons to Keep Cliff Lee

Jun 7, 2013, 11:05 AM EDT

cliff.lee

Full disclosure: I have watched a grand total of five innings of Phillies baseball this year, and four of those innings were on Tuesday night. (I really like that Jeff Mayberry fella!) But despite my lack of viewing, I still follow what’s going on, am aware that Cliff Lee has been amazing, and am not a total bozo — so when I heard last week that Ruben Amaro was shopping Cliff Lee (AGAIN), I had a mini-meltdown.

This is Cliff Lee we’re talking about! 7-2, 2.45ERA, sprints off the mound in between innings, Cliff Lee! Why does he continue to be tossed around the league like Alyssa Milano?! Is nothing sacred?!

Ugh.

So here are my Top Six Reasons to Absolutely, Positively, Not Trade Cliff Lee

Reason #1 – Trading for Prospects is Friggin’ Dumb

In the past four years, Cliff Lee has been traded three times, and in each one of those trades the team dealing Lee hasn’t gotten dick.

In 2009, the Phils traded Carlos Carrasco, Jason Donald, Jason Knapp and BIG DADDY LOU MARSON for Lee. If you recall, the Indians WOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES do the deal if Carrasco was not involved. Since then, Carrasco has won 10 career games, and is currently TEARING IT UP in the minors. Before being sent down to AAA this April, he posted an ERA of 17.18 for the Indians. Did you read that correctly? Go back and look at that statistic again. The guy had an earned run average of SEVENTEEN POINT ONE EIGHT. If/when Carrasco is recalled, he’ll also have to serve an 8-game suspension for repeatedly throwing at batters. Also, Marson is 0 for 3 on the season, and has a lifetime batting average of .219.

Later that year, Amaro dealt Lee to Seattle for 2023 Cy Young Award winner, J.C. Ramirez, Phillippe Aumont (he’s from Quebec!) and Tyson Gillies, who according to Wikipedia is nicknamed “The Hamster” because of his recurring hamstring injuries.

YOU WANT MORE PROOF THAT TRADING CLIFF LEE SUCKS BUTT?

In 2010, Lee was traded from Seattle to Texas for Justin SMUH-SMUH-SMUH-SMOAKE (.240 — 3HR — 8RBI this year), Blake Beaven (real name!), Josh Leuke (aka Josh Puke) and Matt Lawson (currently poppin’ bottles for AAA Columbus at a .250 clip).

Trade value schmade value!

Reason #2 – Cliff Lee Actually Wants to Live in Philadelphia

Dude, I know, if you give it your all here, no one will love you more than Philly fans. John’s Roast Pork is the greatest. Beanie Sigel actually shoots people. Philly 4 Lyfe. Whatever. No human being in their right mind actually wants to live in Philadelphia. Last week, when it was 93% humidity, I wore seven pairs of underwear in one day. My next-door neighbor has rocked jean shorts for three straight weeks. If it wasn’t for your stupid friends and family, you would’ve moved to Barcelona years ago. Have you ever seen a Catalan woman Flamenco dance? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CATALAN WOMAN FLAMENCO DANCE?

So after playing in three cities in two years, Cliff and his family decided they wanted to settle down. Enough with the moving, the living out of boxes, the kids having to switch schools over and over. And seeing as the Lees could choose WHEREVER THEY WANTED TO LIVE, they chose Philadelphia. The guy and his wife — actual human beings — chose Philadelphia. THAT’S WEIRD.

Do you remember how much you hate Scott Rolen? Because for all intents and purposes, Scott Rolen was the QUINTESSENTIAL Philly ballplayer. Do you remember why you hate Scott Rolen?

It’s nice to have someone who wants to be here.

And it’s nice to not live out of a stinkin’ box! The last time I moved was five years ago and I still have no idea where my NBA Superstars tape is.

Reason #3 – That Amazing Catch vs. the Yankees

source:  Doc’s reverse scooper vs. the Lakers, Wes Hopkins breaking Ernest Givins’s nose, and Cliff Lee’s basket catch in the World Series. We already knew he was a pimp, but Lee solidified himself as my wife’s favorite athlete of all time after that catch. When I play company softball at the Belmont Plateau, I stand out in left field dreaming of making a play like Cliff’s. Last Tuesday, I took a slice of pizza out with me to the field, just to give myself a better chance of making that dream a reality. So there I was, shoveling pepperoni into my face, when a lazy fly ball was hit right toward me. This was the moment I’d been waiting my whole office career for, making a catch while eating dinner. The chicks who I work with were gonna love it, they’d be sending me selfies in no time. And then as the ball came down, I panicked, threw my pizza on the ground and made a stupid, fundamental two-handed grab. Rickey Henderson woulda scoffed. Then a dude came zipping by a 4-wheeler and I screamed like a mule. I have not showed my face in the office since.

#4 – But Evster, Trading Cliff Lee Will Free Up Lots of Money

Shut up. There’s no salary cap in baseball. Money doesn’t matter. The Phils organization makes plenty of dough already and can spend as much or as little as they choose.

#5 Name One Person Named Cliff Who You Don’t Like

It’s impossible. Cliff Huxtable, Cliff Robinson, Cliff Clavin. Three for three, all solid dudes. Plus, my brother’s college roommate was named Cliff and when I was 13, he gave me a stack of nudie mags. Yes, most of them were from the 70s and featured ladies wearing tube socks, but they were still women and they were still (almost) naked, and for that I am forever grateful.

#6 Gotta Give the Lee-Halladay-Hamels Rotation One Stinkin’ Chance Before Blowin’ It Up

The Phillies put this staff together for a reason. Get us to the playoffs and these guys will do the rest. Granted, most of the guys on this team stink (lookin’ at you, Laynce), Roy Halladay’s arm might fall off at any moment (he’ll be fine), and before Wednesday night, Cole Hamels was lookin’ more like Carlos Carrasco (figuratively!). So with Lee still in town, combined with KAPTAIN KYLE KENDRICK and a late September pickup of , oh, I dunno, Pedro Martinez, we’ll be poised to make another championship run.

That is of course if someone on this team besides Dominic Brown can learn how to hit a friggin’ baseball.

Cliff Lee is batting .281 this year by the way.

You tellin’ me he can’t hit in the 2-hole?

Also, did someone in this world really name their son, Tyler Cloyd?

The Evster writes the blog TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. Follow him on Twitter @TVMWW. Or look at this picture of a cow. He’s a nice cow. 

  1. mbtoole - Jun 7, 2013 at 11:14 AM

    I know this is a somewhat tongue-in-cheek post, but where was it reported that Ruben was “shopping” Lee? A couple of the national writers did some spec writing/concern trolling based on Lee’s no trade clause list (the presence of which isn’t new news, by the way), but i haven’t seen a single report that Lee is being shopped.

    Reply
    • Kunk - Jun 7, 2013 at 11:36 AM

      Your right mbtoole. I’ve had it with all of this baseless rumor-mongering. I bet the Evster thinks about f-ing a dog all day! What a waste of the internet.

      Reply
    • 33 - Jun 7, 2013 at 12:00 PM

      I know right what about that part where he said JC Ramirez is going to win the 2023 Cy Young. Never happen! Baseless!

      Reply
  2. cg3000 - Jun 7, 2013 at 11:30 AM

    Get’em MBTOOLE!!! this guy has no idea what the hell he is talking about. He should stick to laughing at his own reality TV show jokes. But honestly he probably tongue & cheek with the best of them.

    Reply
  3. Enrico Campitelli Jr. - Jun 7, 2013 at 11:35 AM

    Get’em!

    Reply
  4. Karl Karlson - Jun 7, 2013 at 11:50 AM

    Well, I for one enjoyed this article

    Reply
  5. theevster - Jun 7, 2013 at 11:54 AM

    Pretty sure I heard the Cliff Lee rumor from my mailman. Very nice guy.

    Reply
  6. willh888 - Jun 7, 2013 at 11:59 AM

    Lee was traded about 50 days after that catch, and that’s some straight pew pew right there

    and prospects blow

    Reply
  7. Lol - Jun 7, 2013 at 12:47 PM

    The Evster rules!

    Reply
  8. Zoo WIth Roy - Jun 7, 2013 at 12:48 PM

    “A PLACE CALLED THE PLATEAU IS WHERE EVERYBODY GO”

    SUMMERSUMMERSUMMERTIIIIIIIIIME

    Reply
  9. galasso2586 - Jun 7, 2013 at 1:34 PM

    Pedro Feliz sighting in the gif. Peter Happy everyone, Peter Happy.

    Reply
  10. kurtygies - Jun 7, 2013 at 2:09 PM

    This Evster is a real character. Real nice guy too. Almost too nice, if you know what I mean.

    Reply
  11. Cliff Lee - Jun 7, 2013 at 4:12 PM

    Reason #7: Whatever.

    Reply
  12. That Catch - Jun 7, 2013 at 4:20 PM

    You’ll never forget me. I’m AWEsome.

    Reply
  13. go.fightins - Jun 8, 2013 at 11:40 AM

    Is anyone really surprised that a writer who is admitting that he has watched only 5 innings of the phils is also doing speculative reporting? I guess he hasn’t watched 5 seconds of any actual baseball reporting either or else he would have known that the only Cliff Lee “trade talk” was merely national media displaying curiosity IN CASE he were to become available. This writer should be ashamed of himself to be writing on a Philadelphia sports blog site and admitting that he doesn’t even watch his team. Shame on you.

    Reply
    • theevster - Jun 10, 2013 at 8:09 AM

      I am ashamed of many things I’ve done in this world — most of them having taken place in my bedroom — but writing this post was not one of them.

      I mean, really, the fact that I’ve only watched 5 innings of Phils baseball has nothing to do with my ability to evaluate Cliff Lee’s importance to the team. Cliff Lee is a stud, even Stevie Wonder could see that. Of all the sports (with the exception of badminton), baseball is the one that you realllllyyyyyyyyyyyyy don’t have to watch to get a sense of what’s going on. Statistics tell the story, beat writers fill you in on the deets, and the fact remains that Cliff Lee is far and away the best bargaining chip the Phils have on a team that is closer and closer to rebuilding every day.

      Is Cliff Lee on the block? I have no idea. Neither do you or Jayson Stark or Tim Kurkjiannniann. But I’m sure that many GMs around the ligg are interested — and if they call, Ruben is going to have to talk turkey.

      Blah blah blah, who cares, I can’t believe I even took the time to respond to this. How bout LeBron’s block last night?!?! RIP Tiago Splitter.

      Reply
  14. go.fightins - Jun 10, 2013 at 10:48 AM

    http://nba.si.com/2013/06/09/lebron-james-block-tiago-splitter-game-2-nba-finals-miami-heat-san-antonio-spurs/

    Block of the century and about as clean as it gets, too. Now, I wasn’t saying that you couldn’t efficiently evaluate something like the importance of a player to a team with only stats and writers to fill you in: you absolutely can. I was just expressing my general sadness to have a philadelphia sports blog writer admit that he is not watching his team. Watching the fightins this year has felt like going 12 rounds with Tyson in the hearts and minds of fans and it would be nice to know that our writers are doing the same. Especially if they are going to evaluate the stock and importance of our players. We suffer, you should have to suffer too. At least the Nationals suck right now and if we are all lucky Harper and Werth will come back from the DL just to run into each other in the outfield and split a nail. 15 day DL all day.

    Reply
    • willh888 - Jun 10, 2013 at 12:02 PM

      “block of the century.”

      haha

      Reply

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