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Who Said It: Sarge Matthews or a Child in the AT&T Commercials?

Sep 30, 2013, 10:08 AM EDT


Congratulations, everyone!  We survived the Sisyphusian hellscape that was the 2013 Phillies season.  It hasn’t been pretty. But we had some fun, didn’t we? I said some.  If you were like many fans this season, you attended fewer games at Citizens Bank Park, so you probably found yourself watching more of the broadcasts.  This has brought you countless visits with kindergarten kids discussing the issues in AT&T commercials.  Whether fantasizing about an island made of candy, or failing to grasp the concept of puns, these kids deliver a unique kind of humor that comes from such a mixture of youth, lack of filter, and imagination you’d find in children.  Or, you know, Gary Matthews in the middle of a game.  Amazingly, if you mix a bunch of their quotes with quotes from Sarge, it’s actually quite a challenge to figure out where each line originated…

1.  If you have fast feet, everything…ends up being fast!

2.  When you’re slower, you won’t have to get in the street as fast and get ran over.

3.  A big fancy stadium, because you can fit more fans in there!

4.  They’re all over the ballpark these days, hats.

5.  If stuff is not less, there’s more stuff.

6.  Right now, with all of the computers, you need two guys.

7.  If you put those suits on and lean your head too far out, you can tip over.

8.  And then you’ll have to stay in and then you’ll have to get shaved because you’ll be too hot.

9.  It was just the loneliest time of ever.

10. A lady buying small shoes and having bigger feet–it’s gonna be really tight.

11.  If it’s big enough, you can have a disco.

12. Well you guys have all kinds of tricks up here to get your information. Here I gotta go off the top of my head, you’re getting textses… text messages from different people.

13. I would give them castses if they’re hurt, colorful castses with stickers on them.

14.  They’re gonna welcome them, with arms!

15. From what I hear, we’ve been having problems pitching and hitting on the same day. And tonight we went out and did that.


Sarge:   1, 4, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 14, 15 (okay, that last one was pretty obvious, but I had to include that gem)

AT&T Commercial:   2, 3, 5, 8, 11, 13

  1. wmcgar01 - Sep 30, 2013 at 10:19 AM

    this post is awesome

  2. 2sentz - Sep 30, 2013 at 11:08 AM

    Friggin hilarious. Sarge is awful. Please add (haltingly, two words at a time)-

    16. Well as a hitter that’s what you want to do, make contact with the ball.

    17. As a pitcher that’s what you’re always looking for, to keep the ball from getting hit.

  3. BenE. - Sep 30, 2013 at 11:15 AM

    Hilarious post.

    There is no Sarge quote that can top this one:

  4. Simmonds17 - Sep 30, 2013 at 11:24 AM

    Seriously, can we just get a re-do on the Phillies’ TV team or do we have to wait for the new contract (or longer)? I am not one of those anti-Chris Wheeler people but he is 68 and it may be time for him to move on. As for Sarge, I kept waiting for him to get better but it just didn’t happen.

    Watching a lot of games on MLB Extra Innings, I have to say the gap between the Phillies and the Mets (yes, the Mets) in the broadcast booth is as wide right now as the gap between the Phillies and the Braves on the field. There must be a lot of people under 30 who have no idea that listening to a Phillies game – win or loss – used to be one of the real pleasures of summer in the Delaware Valley.

    • Stan - Sep 30, 2013 at 1:27 PM

      I concur. With all the upcoming changes to the Phillies coaching staff and roster, it seems like the perfect time to overhaul the broadcast team as well. Sarge and Greggggg Murphy should be the first to go. Sarge brings nothing to the table besides some unintentional laughs. And Murphy’s “watch as I stand in strange places around the ballpark and tell you news that you read online 24 hours ago” segment was beyond pointless. I’m not a T-Mac or Wheels hater (at least Wheels tries to provide some insight on the strategy that occurs during certain situations, unlike Sarge), but they are a little boring and I can’t say I’ve ever tuned in just to hear them, or looked forward to getting home from a game so I could hear McCarthy’s call of an exciting play.

      • Simmonds17 - Sep 30, 2013 at 2:02 PM

        Exactly. I don’t get how some people get so bent out of shape over Wheeler and his inside baseball talk, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great announcer. He was the 4th wheel (no pun intended) of Kalas, Ashburn, Musser and Wheeler.
        I do like Gregg Murphy though – I don’t think any sideline reporter in baseball is doing great work, really, but he may be the most likable guy on the TV crew.
        What I’d like to see is under the new TV contract, if not sooner, the Phillies set up a three-man booth like the Mets, calling upon past Phillies stars to lend actual insight and history to the broadcasts, instead of whatever it is (commentary on hats?) that Sarge brings.
        I don’t know if there is a Keith Hernandez or Ron Darling among the Phillies alumni and some of the people I’d want may not be available full-time for six months, so I’d do a rotation of like six guys representing the past 40 years or so.
        Mike Schmidt, Doug Glanville, Mitch Williams, Chris Coste, Kevin Stocker (who is a broadcaster) and maybe someone from outside the team like Mark Grace or Ben Davis.
        For play by play, I’d look to maybe import Boog Sciambi from ESPN or Dave Sims from the Mariners, both of whom are Philadelpia area guys. And I’d keep Murphy on the reporting gig, but try to beef up the content.

    • 2sentz - Sep 30, 2013 at 2:09 PM

      Totally agree. There’s no better time than now to replace the TV guys. It isn’t about personal attacks, they’re likely nice people….it’s about offering a better experience to the fans. I’d LOVE to stop muting telecasts every time Sarge or Wheels banally overkills some minute point for three batters.

      When a team is doing poorly, announcers can either hold you or provide an opportunity to skip on to something else. It’s never a tough choice with these guys.

  5. Hiccup - Sep 30, 2013 at 2:50 PM

    This was awesome; I attributed all to Sarge. Sometimes listening to Sarge is downright painful as he stammers out words with what sounds like a mouthful of cookie dough and peanut butter. It must be a matter of inexpensive contracts with this crew because the talent just is not there. There is no joy for me listening to either Wheels or Sarge trying to add color with incoherent phrasing and third grade broken syntax describing a game being played by a sub .500 team of second and third string players.
    You know what would make me happy?
    Listening to Rubes in the broadcast booth; because I would know he was no longer the Phillies G.M. and he might actually have some useful insight into the current state of the teams affairs.
    I can live with T-Mac but listening to those two other bimbos is downright brutal.

  6. Schmidt80 - Sep 30, 2013 at 9:59 PM

    Wheels and Sarge are nice guys but just not cutting it in the booth. Would love to see Franzke and LA in the booth. I mute my tv every game and listen to the radio broadcast while I watch. Just use the comcast DVR to delay and sync the two. They have much better chemistry, insight into the game, and are very entertaining.

  7. Lulu - Oct 4, 2013 at 8:33 AM


    I second having Franzke and Larry on teevee. I don’t have a problem with McCarthy or Wheels but they are definitely boring.

    During one of the Phillies/Cubs games I turned on WGN, and really enjoyed it. Of course it was the game where the score was like 12-1 or something, but the broadcasting was amazing. The Cubs have a special guest sing Take Me Out to The Ballgame, and that person comes into the booth to shoot the breeze. Very entertaining, even if the game wasn’t going the Flubs’ way. (I say that as a girl born as a White Sox fan)

    One last point: My 97 year old grandfather, lifelong Phils fan, hates Sarge. This guy doesn’t dislike anyone, and can find the good in every situation. He loathes Sarge. If the sweetest person I know can’t stand him, perhaps he’s right!

  8. Paul - Jan 8, 2014 at 4:31 PM

    Sarge helped write the line from this part of Waterboy:


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