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Five Things That Need to Happen for the Sixers to Have a Chance of Winning Tonight in Miami

Mar 8, 2013, 5:26 PM EDT

1. The Sixers convince the Heat that they traded for Spencer Hawes at
the deadline and just forgot about it (but were super-excited about
their acquisition when it happened), then attack him on the interior all night.

The Sixers adopt a “Hack-a-Bosh” strategy halfway through the second
quarter, confusing the Heat’s big man into thinking that maybe he’s
actually a really crappy free-throw shooter, and causing him to miss 60%
of his FTs as a result. 

3. The Sixers hire Evan Turner’s old
college nemesis Mark Titus as an assistant coach, causing him to go into
a psychotic fury and put up a 35/12/8 just to prove that people don’t
know shit about him.

4. The Sixers go back in time and bribe
Rick Ross to dose LeBron and Wade’s Ciroc bottles with slow-acting
laxatives the night before.

5. The Sixers start Arnett Moultrie at all five positions, and just sit back and revel in the non-stop alley-oop dunks.

8:00 tip from American Airlines Arena. It’s not losing if you don’t really even want to win.