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The Seven Best Reasons to Coach the Delaware Sevens

May 10, 2013, 10:48 AM EDT

Gonzalez recently wrote a piece on outlining five reasons why becoming the next Sixers head coach might not be so bad for potential candidates. It was hard. It took him a long while to come up with five reasons (which is why he didn’t come up with 10).

That led to a Twitter conversation about how it might be easier to come up with reasons why someone would want to coach the Delaware 87ers. And, yeah, much easier.

7. No state sales tax

Spike: The coach of the Sevens will likely be a young, up-and-comer. He probably won’t make much money.

Perhaps he’s thinking of proposing to his long-time girlfriend? Well no better state to buy that ring than Delaware.

Still watching games on that old tube TV? Well save a few bucks and buy it in Delaware.

Need a fur coat? Of course not. What grown man wears a fur coat?

Gonzo: Imagine it. You’re a D-League coach. You’re not making much money. All of a sudden you really want a new toaster (even though you’re forced to buy day-old bread at the dollar store). If you D-League it up in Los Angeles or Santa Cruz you’ll have to pay full price plus tax. Womp womp. Sad minor league basketball face. No toast for you.

But don’t worry. Because you don’t D-League it up in L.A. or Santa Cruz. You D-League it up in Delaware, home of tax-free shopping. What a lucky low-level coach you are.

source:  6. You’ll probably get a few games of Arnett Moultrie

Spike: Sure, Doug Collins is gone, but there is enough of the old guard in the Sixers front office to assure you that there’s no way they’ll play Arnett Moultrie very much. After the Sixers embarrassingly weak front-court can’t find more than five or six minutes for Arnett, they’ll send him down to the D-Leauge.

Yes, you’re choosing to coach the Sevens, but this is a guarantee that you’ll spend at least two weeks coaching a guy that definitely should be playing for the NBA team. It’s on-the-job training for that day you get the call up to The Show.

Gonzo: You remember Moultrie. Big guy. Led the SEC in rebounding before turning pro. Then led the Sixers in games seated on the bench next to Kwame Brown.

Moultrie fell out of favor with Collins for a while – shocking stuff – and was sent to Sioux Falls, S.D., to work on his game. That sucked, because Sioux Falls is far and even the people in Sioux Falls don’t want to travel to Sioux Falls to watch minor league hoops.

If/when Moultrie gets demoted again, he won’t have to go so far to play in a mostly-empty gym. Imagine what you can do with that kind of mostly-empty gym experience.

5. Seven night at the Sevens

Spike: If minor league baseball teams can get creative with promotions, why can’t minor league basketball teams?

At Seven Night At The Sevens there will be the country’s best Morgan Freeman look-alike, who happens to live in Wilmington. There will be YouTube clips on the big screen of Brad Pitt’s greatest moments in film. A lucky fan will get a gift card for half-off a month of Netflix so you can watch Kevin Spacey in House Of Cards.

And the coup de grace of Seven Night is one lucky fan will get a box with a human head in it.

Gonzo: About the human head: The D-League legal team, headed by Lionel Hutz, said it’s a go.


4. SevensCEOAdam

Spike: You’ve noticed that Adam Aron has been particularly quiet on Twitter lately. That’s because he’s transitioning to his new gig, as Sevens CEO.

Need things at the game to entertain people aside from basketball? Adam’s your guy.

Need someone to jump on Twitter and ask fans which players the Sevens should keep or get rid of? Adam’s your guy.

Need somebody to make being down by 17 points in the third quarter to Sioux Falls sound exciting? SEVENS CEO ADAM.

Gonzo: Do you like cannons? Cannons that shoot non-lethal projectiles? Maybe you want to attend a game with a confetti cannon. Or a T-shirt cannon. Or both. Or some crazy hybrid confetti/T-shirt cannon that we don’t even know about yet because the science nerds are still working it out.

Maybe you hope to be in an arena when they start launching scrambled eggs into the stands from a cannon. And maybe those eggs weren’t even scrambled until they were launched. What? Your mind is totally blown.

If that sounds like your idea of a good time, Sevens CEO Adam has you covered.  And remember: It’s not basketball unless you have to take cover first.

source:  3. “Sometimes Ryan Phillipe Visits”

Spike: Will Smith occasionally goes to Sixers games. The Philadelphia Eagles make appearances. Maybe even Bradley Cooper while he’s doing his “I’m from Philly bro!” tour as he promotes Hangover 9.

Two words to make that all seem small: Ryan Phillippe.

That’s right. Former husband of Reese Witherspoon, and star of the sort-of-popular-at-the-time flick Cruel Intentions, Ryan Phillippe is from New Castle.

Maybe at some point when Ryan comes back to visit family, as he tends to do once every couple of years, he’ll be bored. He’ll be bored because everything in Delaware closes at 9pm. And maybe he’ll be so bored that he’ll hear Arnett Moultrie is playing for the Sevens.

Gonzo: I didn’t know Phillipe was a Delaware native until Spike told me. I think it’s nice that he didn’t give up on life and go all Ron Burgundy after he and Reese parted. Good for him. When you see him at a Sevens game, ask him to sign his empty whiskey bottle for you before he hurls it at the nearest wall. Then you can recycle it and keep the cash.

source:  2. Joe Biden!

Spike: Delaware is a small state. It’s almost like the town in Dawson’s Creek, everyone knows everyone else. By choosing to coach the Sevens you’re basically becoming Joe Biden’s long-lost cousin. You’re in the family … THE SECOND FAMILY.

By coaching the Sevens you’re basically choosing to spend your summers with Crazy Uncle Joe at the White House or wherever people like that vacation.

And when Joe comes to the games, there will be Secret Service dudes with ear pieces and stuff. BADASS.

Gonzo: He’s Joe Biden!

1. It’s not the Sixers

Spike: That’s right. One of the sell points here is that although you have the same owners, you don’t have to be associated with the big-league club. You can keep mediocrity at arm’s length the entire time.

As coach of the Delaware Sevens you will never see Kwame Brown. You won’t want to put your heard through a wall every time Spencer Hawes shoots a three pointer or gives up an and-one. Swaggy who?

And the best part? Consultant Collins won’t even know you exist.

Gonzo: Don’t know who’s on the Sevens, but they have to be closer to winning a D-League title than the Sixers are to winning an NBA title. Wait, is there a D-League title? Or do they all get field day participation ribbons at the end of the year and then go for ice cream? Eh. You win either way.

  1. Enrico Campitelli Jr. - May 10, 2013 at 11:02 AM

    Great post. Really like the photos.

  2. michaelburdsall - May 10, 2013 at 2:24 PM

    HA HA HA and I thought my jokes were bad…

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