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2013 Philadelphia Eagles: Predictions for All 16 Games

Sep 5, 2013, 7:30 PM EDT

source:  Week 1 at Washington – Win, 37-27

Chip Kelly shocks the world with his offense – by coming out and running the triple option out of the Flexbone on Monday Night Football. Michael Vick, LeSean McCoy, and Bryce Brown combine to rush for over 300 yards against the Redskins, who are caught completely off-guard by Chip’s college gimmicks. The Eagles never use the Flexbone again, and this goes down in lore next to the Pickle Juice game.

Week 2 vs. San Diego – Win, 41-23

Philip Rivers goes ballistic on King Dunlap on the sidelines during the fourth quarter after the Chargers’ left tackle allows Connor Barwin to beat him for four sacks on the afternoon. Later that week on The Howie Roseman Show, the diabolical Eagles’ GM reveals that was the plan all along when the team let Dunlap reach free agency.

Week 3 vs. Kansas City – Win, 38-30

Donovan McNabb dresses in full uniform for his halftime retirement ceremony a la John Riggins – pads, helmet, everything. Toward the end of the ceremony, Andy Reid emerges from the locker room to congratulate Donovan on stage, only when they go to shake hands, McNabb turns on his head coach of 11 seasons and delivers a Stone Cold Stunner. Nobody in Philadelphia ever boos or talks bad about Five again, both because that was awesome and for fear of retribution.

source:  Week 4 at Denver – Loss, 45-24

The fun times are over for Chip as Peyton Manning absolutely wrecks the Eagles’ defense. Cary Williams gets burned deep for two long touchdowns, and both times Kurt Coleman gives the cornerback a quizzical look as if they had their assignments mixed up. Coleman isn’t even playing, it’s just force of habit.

Week 5 at New York Giants – Loss, 38-34

Eli Manning picks up where Peyton left off, torching the Birds’ secondary for over 450 yards for a second consecutive week. Vick has a chance to be a hero on the final drive, but fumbles the football away when he dives head first for extra yards at the end of a scramble. No one for the Giants even touches Vick, he just coughs it up because that’s a thing he would do.

Week 6 at Tampa Bay – Loss, 27-19

Darrelle Revis intercepts a pair of Vick passes, one of which the All-Pro corner takes to the house. After posting passer ratings of 95.0 and above the first three weeks of the season, the Eagles’ quarterback hasn’t cracked 70.0 in the past three. WIP is inundated by calls for Matt Barkley to start, while Nick Foles secretly wonders who he needs to stab to get some respect around here.

Week 7 vs. Dallas – Win, 30-23

Cary Williams misses the Cowboys game to be at the grand opening of his new restaurant. Unfortunately for Williams, the cream rises to the top in his absence. Brandon Boykin shuts down Dez Bryant, holding the NFL’s leading receiver to just two catches the entire afternoon. The next day Boykin is named starter. Cary hears of the news while he’s picking out drapes.

Week 8 vs. New York Giants – Win, 27-24

source:  Jason Pierre-Paul folds up Vick like a pretzel, and in comes Foles. The backup quarterback has trouble finding his rhythm, but LeSean McCoy refuses to lose. Shady weaves all over the place on one 33-yard run in particular, seeking out Giants defenders and audibly shouting “McCoy” with each juke. He totals 200 yards of total offense by himself while carrying his team to victory, and the Eagles are surprisingly in first place in the NFC East.

Week 9 at Oakland – Win, 34-16

Foles isn’t particularly sharp in Vick’s stead, the Raiders are just that bad. Matt McGloin gets into the game at some point for Oakland and actually performs well, leading to a groundswell of WIP callers who believe the Eagles should trade their 2014 second-round pick for the Penn State grad and install him as franchise quarterback during the offseason.

Week 10 at Green Bay – Loss, 42-26

Vick returns, but looks as though he’s still dealing with the lingering effects of whatever injury he came down with this time. Aaron Rodgers on the other hand is in MVP form, completing over 80% of his passes against a defense that doesn’t have the horses to keep up with the Packers’ speed on offense. After the game, Cary Williams throws his teammates and coaching staff under the bus.

Week 11 vs. Washington – Loss, 31-28

Having been thoroughly embarrassed by Chip Kelly in Week 1, Mike Shanahan goes deep into his bag of tricks to jump on the Eagles early, and the Redskins hang on to gain their revenge. Robert Griffin catches a touchdown pass from Santana Moss, and Sav Rocca scampers in for six on a fake field goal in what are the beginnings of a rivalry where two head coaches try to out-troll the other every time they meet.

source:  Week 12 Bye

DeSean Jackson releases his second hip-hop single Shiny Objects Distract Me featuring Kanye West. WIP and internet message boards are filled with irate fans who say the wide receiver should focus on football. DJacc is enjoying a career year and is en route to his third Pro Bowl.

Week 13 vs. Arizona – Win, 24-6

The Eagles’ front seven swarms Ryan Lindley all afternoon long – the Cardinals are already on to their third quarterback – with Fletcher Cox landing the hit of the year on the helpless signal caller. It’s the type of devastating collision the marketing department uses in their highlight reels for years to come.

Week 14 vs. Detroit – Win, 45-41

Defensive coordinator Bill Davis makes a halftime adjustment, having Cary Williams shadow Calvin Johnson wherever he goes. The plan works, as Cary hauls in a pair of interceptions including one in the final two minutes to help seal a huge comeback victory. After the game, Williams tells reporters in the locker room that the Eagles’ defense is once again feared around the National Football League. Note the final score.

Week 15 at Minnesota – Loss, 27-13

Vick suffers from flashbacks of his dreadful performance against the Vikings in 2010. He keeps hallucinating Antoine Winfield is blitzing off the edge, repeatedly attempting to flee the pocket even when the protection is fine. In the meantime, Adrian Peterson rushes for over 200 yards and scores three touchdowns – Vick is eventually sent to the trainer’s room where he rocks himself to sleep.

Week 16 vs. Chicago – Loss, 24-19

source:  Amid baseless rumors that Chip Kelly will return to college football at season’s end, the Eagles come out flat. DeSean has just been named to the Pro Bowl as well, and wants to be healthy for an imaginary impending contract renegotiation, so he’s back to gator-arming passes. Chris Tillman terrorizes Vick, forcing three turnovers. Afterwards, Chip berates Les Bowen for asking about the reports at the post-game press conference.

Week 17 at Dallas – Win, 31-23

Jason La Canfora’s report about Chip is (not surprisingly) unfounded, and the Birds have new life. Of course, it helps that this game somehow winds up being for the NFC East Championship. Vick puts in his best outing of the year, rewarding coach for sticking by him through the ups and downs of a 16-game season. With their sweep of Dallas, Philadelphia owns the tiebreaker over the Cowboys, which means the Eagles earn a home game in the playoffs with a 9-7 record.

Wild-Card Round vs. San Francisco – Loss, 38-14

The Eagles have already exceeded expectations at this point, so it’s not surprising when a powerhouse like the 49ers steamrolls right through Philly to advance. Vick is so ineffective that Foles gets a shot, but it’s clear the Birds will be in the market for the quarterback at the draft in May. Still, the season was more fun than a lot of people expected, and there’s real enthusiasm heading into the offseason.

  1. Dustin T. - Sep 5, 2013 at 8:05 PM

    I also enjoy your annual Eagles prediction article. I agree that 9-7 sounds like a good record for the Birds this year. However I don’t think 9 wins would be enough to win the division. I think the Skins will probabley have 10-12 wins, but maybe the Birds 9 will be good enough for the 2nd wildcard. I also don’t think Chip would bail with a winning record.

    Reply
    • lyle - Sep 5, 2013 at 8:11 PM

      i have a feeling this will be a really tough division this year. dont over look the giants…i agree with 9 wins being good enough for a berth to the playoffs

      Reply
      • lava - Sep 5, 2013 at 8:26 PM

        Don’t overlook the giants this year?

        lyle – confirmed giants fan

      • lyle - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:20 PM

        a team that has won the superbowl 2 times in the past 5 years gets overlooked how? but the patriots are always pre season favorites and havent won it since 2005. In the 2 times they have been to the superbowl since ’05 they lost…to who? the new york giants

        im a die hard eagles fan, but you can never count the giants out. they are a playoff team, well coached and they know how to win. real recognies real, and maybe youre just a dumb moron who thinks football only exists in the delaware valley

    • ACES215 - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:56 PM

      EVERY TEAM IN THE DIVISION IS GONNA BE EITHER 9-7 OR 10-6. I THINK WE CAN PULL 10WINS OUT B/C OUR SCHEDULE IS PRETTY AVERAGE WITH RESPECT TO BRONCOS, NINERS, AND PACKERS.

      Reply
  2. lyle - Sep 5, 2013 at 8:07 PM

    why don’t you(we) just wait before each game to do in depth “game by game” predictions. injuries, momentum, chemistry all play a huge role

    and this isnt the flexbone…navy/georgia tech run the flex

    Reply
    • 33 - Sep 5, 2013 at 8:42 PM

      :::::::::WHOOSH::::::::::

      Reply
    • Arnold Palmer - Sep 6, 2013 at 7:43 AM

      Your a fuckin fag.got, dude.

      Reply
  3. Mostel - Sep 5, 2013 at 8:51 PM

    How are the Eagles as a wild card playing a playoff game vs. another wild card team? Seattle is winning that division as Kaepernick crashes and burns in year two.

    Reply
  4. Mostel - Sep 5, 2013 at 8:53 PM

    RGKnee and the garbage time read-option get figured out this year as the Skins fall back to the Pack. The Giants garbage O-line and OVERRATED players on D get burned again as they fall off. We’re still building, so I guess Dallas wins the division at 8-8 or 9-7.

    Reply
  5. somekat - Sep 5, 2013 at 10:45 PM

    I think a little overly optimistic, but all in all, realistic. I’m thinking more like 6-10, 7-9, with a chance to be better but a defense that just can’t hold leads. Chip looks for a QB in RD 1 of the draft, and uses the rest of the draft and almost every FA signing towards building up the defense. Maybe an interior lineman or WR in the draft, if Maclin isn’t healtly/doesn’t come back, or a backup for aging Herremans/Mathis. Next year a 9-7/10-6 record, wild card rd win, div rd loss as all those young guys/fa take a while to adjust and jell, followed by being real contenders (depending on who the qb they bring in is)

    Reply
    • bonsai steve - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:19 PM

      5 wins
      check it out at the end of the season

      Reply
  6. willh888 - Sep 6, 2013 at 2:14 AM

    27 against Wash? 30 against KC? and only 6 against AZ? Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeew

    Reply
  7. psudrozz - Sep 6, 2013 at 8:21 AM

    you are an optimist.

    i just can’t see them beating washington monday night.

    Reply
  8. Wolf - Sep 6, 2013 at 9:44 AM

    Interesting. ESPN has the Birds losing 41-0 Monday night. I like the fact that all the experts think the Birds will suck. 10-6 and pick the over in every game.

    Reply
  9. duffman - Sep 6, 2013 at 9:46 AM

    this is great haha

    Reply
  10. crevans83 - Sep 6, 2013 at 10:53 AM

    lol at the Eagles defense holding the Broncos to 45 points.

    Reply
  11. Lol - Sep 6, 2013 at 11:34 AM

    Had me. Had me. Lost me.

    There is no way Reid loses that game. He’s been planning for it for 4 months, most likely at the expense of other games on the Chiefs’ schedule.

    Reply
    • Jay D - Sep 6, 2013 at 3:55 PM

      Chances we see…
      -onsides kick
      -fake punt
      -shovel pass
      ????

      Reply
      • Ken P - Sep 6, 2013 at 5:52 PM

        No Reid likes the pass, pass pass punt offense.

      • furiousball - Sep 9, 2013 at 4:35 PM

        pickle juice

  12. Brian - Sep 6, 2013 at 12:16 PM

    Holy crap, people actually think they are going to win more than 6 games? I think this team is closer to 4-5

    Reply
  13. Football Sucks - Sep 6, 2013 at 12:27 PM

    I think you all watch the most boring sport in the world. One hour of game time and they actually only have maybe 15 minutes of actual play time. You want to admire a sport then watch hockey or rugby. Those are real athletes. Let’s see your precious NFL players play rugby with no pads. They would not last 5 minutes.

    Reply
    • willh888 - Sep 6, 2013 at 12:38 PM

      You vs. Adrian Peterson. Advantage dude who runs 30 mph right through your manboobish torso.

      here’s an example of your rugby boy playing with athletes.

      http://members.optusnet.com.au/thenob/imagestuff/smack.jpg

      Reply
  14. rwwhit - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:37 PM

    I’m thinking giving up over 400 points for the year is about right. And if they score 400 points that means they need a new quarterback???

    Reply
    • lyle - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:54 PM

      “IF ONLY VICK WOULD PUT AS MUCH TIME INTO HIS READS AND WATCHING FILM AS HE DID WHEN HE WOULD FIGHT DOGS!”

      Reply
  15. TheMarcoIslander - Sep 6, 2013 at 2:11 PM

    Andrew, Here is the point results from your predictions. The O will score 425 points an average of 26.6 points a game. The D, on the other hand, will give up 447 points for an average of 27.9 points a game. I based this on you regular season games only because it gets worse if you include your wild card game. Although Kelly would never admit to it, he would be thrilled you go 8-8.

    Reply
    • ochospantalones - Sep 6, 2013 at 6:07 PM

      Actually, those totals are more reasonable than I would have guessed. The Eagles allowed 444 points last year, so 447 doesn’t seem too far off. Green Bay scored 431 points last year (several teams scored more). I think our offense will be ok, but not as good as 2012 Green Bay. Dallas put up 376 points last year, and Chicago 375. That territory is probably attainable.

      Reply
  16. Alex - Sep 6, 2013 at 3:36 PM

    I think this guy drank too much before he put his thoughts on paper. The defense can’t stop the run consistently, and isn’t much better vs the pass. While they will put up 400+ points, it’s won’t be enough to beat many teams, because the defense will be on the field too much and too long. They’ll give up closer to 500 than 400 points, and at best, go 6-10. Ladies and Gentleman – this is a bad team.

    There will be 60 points scored in every game they play, so they will be entertaining, but making the transition from 4-3 to 3-4 and changing offensive systems with a QB who make s a doorknob seem intelligent is a recipe for failure. The injuries compound that – Macklin is the true #1 receiver on the team, and when push comes to shove, Jackson will not go across the middle, or take a hit.

    Reply
  17. Howie - Sep 6, 2013 at 3:56 PM

    Eagles making the playoffs. I am sure you are joking. By week 5 the disappointed fans will be saying “when do pitcher and catchers report”

    Reply
  18. Chesster 44 - Sep 6, 2013 at 4:34 PM

    I’m skeptical. Defense is so important and there are some strong offenses out there. If they go 6 and 10 I will be surprised. They need a better front line and a major presence at MLB.

    Reply
    • Dave - Sep 9, 2013 at 3:21 AM

      They had 60-80% of their starting o line injured last year, we get them back, and we drafted an elite tackle in the draft? The defense did shitty overall cuz they were tired from being on the field the whole time since the offense couldn’t score due to no blocking for Vick to pass or for Lesean McCoy to have running lanes. Please educate yourself before presuming shit. (I’m a lifetime Eagles fan so I know what’s goin on with the team, I got 10-6 for em cuz they beat Tampa)

      Reply
  19. ochospantalones - Sep 6, 2013 at 5:13 PM

    This is pretty optimistic. I’ll say 6 wins. I really wouldn’t hold that result against Kelly either, this team just is not that talented. The defense is still terrible, our QB’s are below-average, and we’re starting Riley Cooper at Wide Receiver. We need two more good drafts before we’re a threat to anyone.

    Reply
  20. Ryan - Sep 6, 2013 at 6:37 PM

    LOL! What’s funny about all of that is that it’s totally true, and I would give a couple G’s to see McNabb do that to Reid lol.

    Reply
    • clubberlangphila - Sep 8, 2013 at 12:25 PM

      yeah, inspired me to watch 10 minutes of stone cold stunner footage. take that walrus down, 5.

      Reply
  21. Shemp - Sep 6, 2013 at 8:17 PM

    This franchise is pathetic! 8 wins? 9 wins? 10 wins??! Maybe the fans of the eagles are more pathetic than the organization! No wonder the only remnant of NFL supremacy that this sorry franchise has ever shown is way way back in the day! 1960! What a joke

    Reply
  22. Dan - Dec 30, 2013 at 1:19 AM

    I remember reading this at the beginning of the season thinking, man, looking at the schedule, it is crazy to think that the Eagles could win 9 games, but I liked the way that this schedule looked. And 10/16 were good calls. The Giants games were backwards, otherwise it was 12/16. Granted the scores were all over the place and no one could have expected the Foles invasion, but I am glad that this turned out the way it did.

    Reply

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