Sep 6, 2013, 11:41 AM EDT
For all those years, every true Eagles fan prayed that one day, we’d at last be rid of Joe Banner, Donovan McNabb, and Andy Reid. One by one, we got our wish. So why does being an Eagles fan still suck?
Here are ten reasons why, counting down:
10. Michael Vick, whose last playoff win was in 2005, is still here.
8. For our two new coordinators, we raided the coaching staff of last year’s 5-11 Cleveland Browns team.
7. The Riley Cooper double standard.
6. Our defense sucks. In the preseason, we gave up scoring drives to the likes of Tim Tebow and Matt Simms, who’s the fourth string quarterback on the Jets and the third-string quarterback in his own family. And for some reason Nate Allen, Kurt Coleman, and Casey Matthews are all still on the team.
5. Our GM is still Howie Roseman, a man with the look and demeanor of a freshman accounting major and the football knowledge to match, with a speaking voice that resembles that of Pee Wee Herman before he went through puberty. Naturally, they gave him his own radio show.
4. Now I hear the Birds are using “analytics“? Please. The only analytic I care about is how hard you can smash people in the mouth.
3. On Thursday, Cary Williams and Riley Cooper got into a fight at practice, one caught on video as Chip Kelly’s loud, silly music played. In training camp alone, Cooper was videotaped using a racial slur, and even worse, Williams talked about sconces. It’s good that Michael Vick was there to break up the altercation, because if anyone knows how to referee a fight, it’s Vick.
2. I can see getting excited about Chip Kelly- he did show up at Wing Bowl, after all, and he’s agreed to appear every Monday morning with Angelo. But his coaching was clearly so indispensable to Oregon that they won their first game without him 66-3.
1. Clearly, Donovan McNabb will never, ever go away. He’s coming back to get his number retired in Week 3- and Andy’s coming too. McNabb gives local interviews all the time, sports websites run long features about him, and he’s got national TV and radio shows too. Hasn’t Philadelphia been sending the message, since April 1999, that we’re sick of this guy?
For week one the key, of course, is to knock RG3 out of the game as early as possible. But if we can’t win that one, it’s going to be a long season. And if they can’t beat Andy in week 3? I’m done.
Other Philly sports takes:
- There was a local column last week asking why, among the two recently retired star Philly athletes, Allen Iverson is beloved and McNabb is not. Please. Iverson may have become a hardcore alcoholic, but did he ever vomit during a game? There’s your answer.
- We all know how much crap Philly gets from the media in the rest of the country. So I want to send special thanks to Marcus Hayes, for repping us with pride in other cities.
- This Roger Bernadina looks like the real deal. Big mistake if the Phillies don’t lock him up long-term.
- I saw Cleveland released Brett Myers- why don’t the Phils bring him back? I mean, what did that guy ever do that was so wrong?
- I loved that Deadspin story about how the Phillies and Eagles players used to share a large stash of porno magazines at the Vet. I used to bring my own, but their idea was even better.
- Will you still root for the Sixers after they move to Newark?
Follow @FakeWIPCaller on Twitter; he’ll be live-tweeting the Eagles game Monday night.
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