Skip to content

Hater’s guide to the Dallas Cowboys (and why you should never date a Cowboys fan)

Oct 17, 2013, 11:54 AM EDT

Image (1) tempimage_1_20.png for post 485124

With first place on the line this weekend, I thought it would be a good opportunity to revisit our dear ‘ol divisional rivals from Texas. Now, the Cowboys haven’t really been on our radar these past two years; we’ve focused most of our energy on hating our own team. To truly hate another, as they say, you must first hate yourself.

But Nmandi is gone, and Jason Babin is gator hunting somewhere in the Everglades. And if you remove Riley Cooper from the equation, this Birds team is suddenly much more likeable. Finally, we can once again channel our efforts to what really matters:

Hating the Cowboys.

And in case you have forgotten – and if you have, silly you – I’m here to offer a helping hand. A gentle nudge in the right direction.

“Pardon me, can you tell me how to hate the Cowboys again?”

Right this way, good sir.

source:  Chris Boniol

Never forget.

Boniol, who didn’t miss a field goal in like seventeen years with the Cowboys, infiltrated the Eagles organization by way of free agency and torpedoed the entire kicking game. It was an egregious example of sabotage that would have made even Benedict Arnold blush. Boniol missed kicks wide left. Boniol missed kicked wide right. Boniol missed kicks short – an especially cruel form of deception for those watching at home.

“At a boot, Chris. Right down the middle. Now let’s get a three and out, defense. Hey, Wendy, can you pass the Tostitos?”

The kick is no good.

“Come again?”

The Other Cowboys

If you take a close look at the advanced statistics, Emmitt Smith is really just a poor man’s Heath Sherman.

Dan Bailey has been Giant Gonzales for Halloween every year since 1993.

Michael Irvin couldn’t get open without pushing off.

Deion Sanders buys his suits from Lane Bryant.

Tom Landry’s hat didn’t fit his head properly.

Tony Romo’s birth name is Topanga.

Dez Bryant pre-ordered Grown Ups 2 on Blu-ray.

The only “TO” I can think of is Tim Ohlbrecht.

Bill Bates doesn’t support the troops.

Charles Haley is still lined up in the neutral zone.

Jason Whitten puts ketchup on his filet mignon. Troy Aikmen does, too.

Alvin Harper wears socks with sandals.

I don’t call Daryl Johnston, “Moose,” because I think it’s insulting to all other moose.

source:  The Fans 

A little known fact about Cowboys fans is that they are unfaithful. All of ‘em. Every Cowboys fan I’ve ever met has been a cheater. Remember that girl who slept with your roommate back in college? She has a Jay Novacek shirsey that she wears to Pilates. And remember your former best friend, the one who slept with your high school sweetheart while you were volunteering at the animal shelter? Well, he ‘supposedly’ has family in Texas, but you and I both know better than that, don’t we?

There’s no loyalty with Cowboys fans. They’ll chase after any girl at the bar as long as they recently won something – a trophy, a ribbon, a game of Words with Friends, a chili cook-off, it doesn’t matter. While we were slogging through the Bubby Brister Era, admirably, and to little fanfare, Dallas fans were shopping at Marshalls; getting fitted for their Cowboys Starter jackets.

“I don’t know … what do you think, mom? Should I go up a size?”

Nobody cares about your Starter jacket, Todd.

Consider this a public service announcement, ladies. Sure, we Eagles fans have lousy facial hair, and, yeah, you have to look past the neck beards, but we’re loyal to a fault. We’re like dating a golden retriever. Besides, what’s a little neck hair between lovers? According to Match.com, 98% of marriages that involve a Cowboys fan end in divorce. The other 2% just haven’t found their spouse’s Ashley Madison profile yet. You’re better off dating a Penguins fan you met on Craigslist.

So how do Cowboys fans join the dark side? Let’s myth bust a few common reasons.

  1. “I have family in Texas.”

No, you don’t. You have family in Altoona. There’s a difference.

  1. “I like the star.”

Then become an astronomer.

  1. “They’re America’s Team.”

America has thirty-two teams.

  1. “My dad was a Cowboys fan.”

Your dad was a bandwagoner. And probably a lousy father, too.

  1. “My mom worked with a guy whose second cousin grew up in the same neighborhood as Roger Staubach.”

Makes sense.

Now, who would you rather bring home to mom and dad?

“Hi, Dad. I want you to meet Todd. He works for Big Oil and never calls his grandma. He is a huge Cowboys fan. He fell in love with the Cowboys star growing up. Here, Todd, let me take your Starter jacket.”

Or …

“Hi, Mom. I want you to meet Frank. He’s a veterinarian, and works with the Big Brother Program on weekends. He is a huge Eagles fan. Here, Frank, let me take your sweet Jerome Brown road jersey.”

Oh, I don’t know. Call me old-fashioned, but this seems like an easy choice.

Someone I follow recently retweeted a Cowboys fan on twitter. The Cowboys fan asked, “Since when do people have to like the teams in the city where they grew up?” This gentleman is from Bucks County.

But, you know, he’s right. People can cheer for whatever team they’d like. Our friend from Bucks County is certainly welcome to head to The Linc on Sunday and wear his Dez Bryant jersey with pride. And then he’s more than welcome to head back to the sports complex two weeks later, when his Heat play the Sixers.

He has an aunt in Boca Raton, so it’s cool.

You can follow WIBR on Twitter here

  1. 2sentz - Oct 17, 2013 at 12:18 PM

    Funny-ass article. NOTHING in my life has been more pleasing than the Romo era.

    Reply
    • City of Brotherly Hate - Oct 17, 2013 at 7:00 PM

      You have a crummy life. What a loser.

      Reply
  2. reverendpaulrevere - Oct 17, 2013 at 12:43 PM

    Where is Quincy Carter?

    Reply
  3. Jason R. - Oct 17, 2013 at 12:49 PM

    “You’re better off dating a Penguins fan you met on Craigslist”

    At least she’d be so ugly and abrasive you’d never have to worry about her cheating on you…

    Reply
    • Me - Oct 17, 2013 at 1:08 PM

      Sadly, I have actually done this. Our relationship lasted 2 months. I made here watch Slapshot and she didn’t think it was funny. Stupid whore.

      Reply
  4. Matt - Oct 17, 2013 at 1:12 PM

    Family in Dallas, PA is not the same, either

    Reply
  5. psudrozz - Oct 17, 2013 at 2:57 PM

    weirdly enough, the best man at my wedding is a dallas fan AND a penguins fan.

    Reply
    • Lava - Oct 18, 2013 at 3:08 AM

      You have terrible priorities.

      Reply
  6. hitordie - Oct 17, 2013 at 3:20 PM

    Wow this is the stupidest thing ive ever read! Dave get a life, maybe you should try hating on yourself because of this sorry excuse of an article you wrote. Go boys!!!

    Reply
  7. brian - Oct 17, 2013 at 4:14 PM

    the good think about dating an eagles fan is you know they wont be expecting a ring :)

    Reply
    • Bob - Oct 17, 2013 at 4:57 PM

      Lol ill tip my hat there

      Reply
  8. Matt S. - Oct 17, 2013 at 5:32 PM

    Pretty much sums up the average Cowboys fan.. h/t to BGN
    http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/202388/Worst_sports_fan.jpg

    Reply
    • Simmonds17 - Oct 18, 2013 at 12:03 PM

      Well, one of my closest friends is a Cowboys and Yankees fan (at least he comes by the Yankees part honestly, having grown up in New York). I cut him some slack because he’s also an Islanders fan and he detests the NBA. Nobody’s wrong on everything.

      Reply
  9. Sequitur - Oct 17, 2013 at 6:07 PM

    As a Cowboys fan, the fact that this guy spent that much time, effort and thought on an article devoted solely to hating the Cowboys warms my heart. I just can’t believe he didn’t talk about Jerry. What’s a Cowboys hate article without a few jabs at Yeezus himself? A shoddy one at best, I say. But here’s the funny thing. Until reading this article, I had completely forgot the Cowboys were even traveling to Philly this weekend. Sort of reminds me of the former interrelationship/rivalry between A&M, UT and OU before A&M left for the SEC. A&M always wanted to be UT’s rival–hell, their whole fight song is about sawing Varsity’s horns off. But at the end of the day, UT never gave a second thought to A&M. UT was always focused on beating OU. As the Longhorns say, it’s 12:36 and OU [the Giants] still suck.

    Reply
    • Chico Resch - Oct 17, 2013 at 7:05 PM

      sequitur – Eagles fans aren’t obsessed by a rivalry with the Cowboys. We have rivalries with the Giants and Redskins that are just as deep. I think the thing is, we can sort of respect them, in a half-assed way. Die hard fanbases, sometimes tough playing styles. You see, its just that we really can’t stand the Cowboys, with their Douchebag owner, primadonna stars from the past, bandwagon fans nationwide and the fact that you know, its Texas. Don’t mistake revilement for a crush.

      Reply
  10. Lori - Oct 17, 2013 at 6:57 PM

    wow, enrico, you’re a dick. i’m a loyal female cowboys fan, have never cheated on anyone, and i consider myself an attractive & successful person. my father grew up in dallas, texas and moved to new jersey. he is a great father and my family are all loyal fans here in NJ. i lived right outside of Philly for years and found Eagles fans to be atrocious. your false statements are hilarious and i’m truly sorry you support a team such as the Eagles. ouch. go cowboys ★

    Reply
    • suck it dallas - Oct 17, 2013 at 10:58 PM

      Good riddance, u sound like a self absorbed, high maintenance, I have an excuse for everything kinda broad who probably weighs north of 2 bills, and we don’t want u as an eagles fan. Pull the stick out of your ass and lighten up a little. I bet u have a pink tony ohno jersey, too.

      Reply
      • Lava - Oct 18, 2013 at 3:09 AM

        She’s probably fat.

    • dallASS SUCKS - Oct 17, 2013 at 11:14 PM

      In other words what the truth is …. I have never cheated on anyone because noone is atteracted to me. Im the manager at a local Mcdonalds and find that sucessful for a dallass fan. But my dad is awesome because he moved out of scumbagville and closer to a real sports town, Philadelphia…. p.s. i secretly love the Eagles thats why i capitalized there city and team and not the crappy place i used to live….

      Reply
    • willh888 - Oct 18, 2013 at 9:55 PM

      Lori, hopefully you pass the cowboys tradition onto your children so they can be just as unlikable.

      Reply
  11. City of Brotherly Hate - Oct 17, 2013 at 6:57 PM

    Wow, so much hate. I lived in Philadelphia, clean up your own pig pen before dropping such a dumb article on the internet.

    Reply
    • 3-hit shutout - Oct 18, 2013 at 12:23 PM

      You need to move

      Reply
  12. Ron - Oct 17, 2013 at 7:42 PM

    Oh the butthurt. It’s glorious!

    Reply
  13. Cuse - Oct 17, 2013 at 8:25 PM

    Reply
  14. Bonsa Steve - Oct 17, 2013 at 10:18 PM

    How can anyone forget when Dallas used 3 players to take Carmichael out of the game on an out of bounds hit??????????????????????????????

    Reply
  15. Jesse - Oct 18, 2013 at 1:32 AM

    Eagles and your mom are GAY

    Reply
    • pot calling kettle - Oct 18, 2013 at 7:03 PM

      Jesse is a girls name.

      Reply
  16. Silky Johnson - Oct 18, 2013 at 1:38 AM

    What can I say about the Cowboys that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan?

    Reply
  17. dequan81 - Oct 21, 2013 at 12:13 PM

    LOL Love this article. As a Cowboys fan it made me laugh. Your team is terrible, your coach’s ego makes Shannahan seem humble, Foles is stupid and should be hurt, nobody respects your team. Dallas isn’t good, but damn is your team terrible. I like how a comment mentioned respecting the Skins and Giants but hating Dallas. Well here in Dallas nobody thinks about Philly, nor respects them or even really hates them. It’s like hating that mentally challenged kid that keeps annoying you. You just can’t because you know they will never be any good.

    Enjoy your season, losers! I’m out and will NEVER visit this site again. So bring on that brotherly love, morons!

    Reply
    • AHW - Oct 22, 2013 at 1:49 AM

      The Eagles are in rebuilding mode; what is the Cowgirls’ excuse for their continued mediocrity? I don’t always agree with Stephen A. Smith, but Dallas is an “accident waiting to happen.” You are plagued with one of the worst owners in the league. At least we had some good times in the past decade, and our owner is decent. Dallas is a racist, scumbag dump in a state full of wing-nut tea baggers. Even in its current decline, I’ll take dear old Philly over your entire, oppressively ignorant and humid state any day of the week. BTW, wishing for a young QB still learning the ropes to be injured is disgusting.

      Reply
    • Jon - Jan 5, 2014 at 6:28 AM

      No one asked you to visit this site and post a comment in the first place! AND I am pretty sure they don’t even care if you come back to “visit” it anyway!

      Reply
  18. Thomas Bug - Nov 7, 2013 at 11:44 PM

    Seriously, why the fuck are there a bunch of trash-talking Dallas Cowboys fans on a site catered to diehard Philadelphia sports fans?

    Reply
  19. BadLands - Feb 4, 2014 at 3:16 AM

    You know…it’s funny. As a huge New Mexico Dallas fan (who frequently travels and hog hunts Texas with family all over the state), I couldn’t help but laugh at this.

    The one Cowboys chick I slept with was a latino looking stripper that worked at a good friends place of exotic employment. That was here in Albuquerque of course.

    ..That chick looked so damn fine pullin’ her pink cowboys shirt over her chest one night I swear…with her heroined out looking eyes…I smashed her little brother the next morning in some madden and had some all around good times…

    People can hate but..

    ..5 rings….

    …And the performance of the Denver Broncos on Sunday, Feb’ 2nd, 2014.

    Flame on…hate on…we’re all lovin’ life in a world where talking shit and crying isn’t encouraged. =)

    Reply

(email will not be published)