Dec 6, 2013, 7:11 AM EDT
Everyone loves a Heisman winner (except Rashaan Salaam, that guy sucked). And next Saturday night, another strapping, brooding, virile young man will join college football’s most exclusive fraternity. Soon after, the new Heisman winner will have his oil-painted portrait hung up alongside some of the finest competitors to ever play the game: like Nile Kinnick, the Iowa Hawkeyes running back who in 1939 rushed for three touchdowns after getting kicked in the brain. Then there was Notre Dame’s Leon Hart, who in 1940 entered Heisman lore after he broke a guy’s brain. And who can forget Gino Torretta, the Miami gunslinger who had quite possibly the cutest hairy belly button known to man.
Now just like you, I spent most of my Saturday afternoons this football season asleep on my couch. But unlike you, I am responsible for delivering a sports column to my
MANIACAL DICTATOR BOSS editor Enrico every Thursday night. So when Enrico emailed me Thursday morning suggesting I ditch my “Top 10 Kurt Nimphius-inspired NBA Hairdos” post in favor of one focused on college football, I had no choice but to comply jumped at the opportunity.
Do I consider myself a college football expert? Sure. Did I write this while watching THE SOUND OF MUSIC LIVE TELEVISION EXTRAVAGANZA? Absolutely. Is there anything more annoying than when someone asks and answers their own questions? Yes, The Sound of Music live television extravaganza. There’s so much singing!
Okay, enough about the Sound of Muse, let’s take a look at this year’s Heisman hopefuls.
But one more thing about the Sound of Muse … how dope is that do-re-mi song?!?!
Key stats – 3,490 passing yds, 35 td, ZERO charges of sexual assault
Provided he does not kill a prostitute between now and next Saturday, Winston is a lock to win the award. The guy has been incredible, his team is ranked #1, plus Jameis has both a hilarious first AND last name. (I once knew a dog named Winston. He used to sleep in the dryer!) JW is the total package. An absolute stud. I have never, ever seen him play football.
Fun Fact: Jameis also plays baseball for Florida State and was drafted last year by the Texas Rangers. Granted everyone already pretty much knew that, so that kinda negates it from being a fun fact … but still. He’s also dating Carrie Underwood (not true).
Jordan Lynch, QB, Northern Illinois
Key stats – Passing: 2,457 yds, 22 td, 5 int … Rushing: 1,755 yds, 20 td, 7.1 ypc … Bowling: recently rolled a 211!
Northern Illinois? There is no way that Northern Illinois is a real place. I have been on this earth for 36 years and I have never, EVER, seen one Girl Gone Wild who went to Northern Illinois. But Wikipedia claims it’s a place, so I guess it’s a place.
Lynch has been tearing it up at NIU, a dual threat whose rushing numbers might be even more impressive than his passing stats. His team is also undefeated going into the final week, and with a win against the mighty BOWLING GREEN GREEN BOWLERS this Friday night, they might even sneak into a BCS bowl game. Not to mention the guy can roll!
211 not a bad way to start my Tuesday pic.twitter.com/MubVx8klpi
— Jordan Lynch (@Jordanlynch06) October 15, 2013
Now I’m not saying that 211 is the most impressive score of all time — it’s a good score, don’t get me wrong, it’s a great score — but it’s the fact that he was so nonchalant in the way he tweeted about it. No punctuation. No emoticons. Just a decent start to a typical Tuesday evening that most likely ended with him snorkeling in a freshman’s underwear. Very similar to my night last Tuesday, when I ended up sleeping on the couch because my wife claimed I was snoring out of my own butt.
Fun Fact: Lynch went to Mount Carmel High in Chicago, the same high school as DONOVAN MCNABBERS!!! Other Mount Carmel grads include: Chris Chelios, Antoine Walker and two-time Tony Award winner, Daniel Sunjata! (never heard of him)
Michael Carter-Williams, PG, Philadelphia 76ers
Key stats – 17.7 ppg, 7.3 asst, 5.8 reb, 3.1 stl
Fun Fact: Coming up with “Fun Facts” is probably the lamest thing that has ever been done on this website.
That Guy Who Returned That Kick in the Iron Bowl, CB, Auburn
Key stats – One bonkers touchdown that made me fill my pants with shit.
The best play in the history of college football. Period. Actually, that might not be true. That Cal-Stanford “the band is on the field!” play was probably better. But this is second. Although I always liked that Desmond Howard 4th and 1 diving in the corner of the end zone jawn against Notre Dame, too. So maybe this is third. Then again there’s always a play every year where some guy jumps over a whole guy and kicks someone in the brain, so this is probably like the 14th or 15th best play in college football history. But still … incredible.
[Enrico says: FLUTIE!]
It was the kind of play you’ll tell you’re grandchildren about, or if you’re like me and are unable to have an erection and make love to your wife, the kind of play you’ll tell someone else’s grandchildren about. I’ll always remember where I was when it happened: at my in-law’s house in upstate New York, a house that does not have a working television. You see, my wife’s father recently got remarried to a Rabbi (I know!) and the Rabbi is one of those people who prefers to have conversations and eat granola instead of watching television. (I KNOW AGAIN!) And let me just clarify, when I say she’s a rabbi, that doesn’t mean she’s one of those dudes who has a long beard and smells like yogurt, she’s actually a very nice human being who plays the guitar and walks around barefoot and is very down-to-earth and understanding. But she also chooses to live in a house without a television which is just WEIRD. I mean, wasn’t she even the least bit curious about the latest LIVE TELEVISION EXTRAVAGANZA???
So as I sat in her living room listening to people TALK AND TALK AND GOOD GOD WHEN WILL IT END, I was also secretly checking the score on my phone. As the fourth quarter approached, I started periodically excusing myself, pretending to have a severe case of EAS (Exploding Ass Syndrome) so I could go to the bathroom and watch the game buffering on my phone.
The 99yd touchdown pass was one thing. And the triple option 50-yarder was another. Then came the back-to-back fourth down stops, and the blocked kick, so by the time the last field goal attempt was being teed up, I had been screaming so loudly that everyone in the house thought I had to go to the emergency room.
My Wife: Are you okay in there, Ev?
My Wife: You keep screaming.
Not screaming. Not screaming at all!
My Wife: Like, right there, you’re screaming. Don’t strain.
This is really something!
My Wife: I’m sure it is. I am sure it is. Do you need more toilet pa–
OH MY GAWD!
My Wife: What?! What is happening?!
HE’S GONNA DO IT!
My Wife: What is he doing?! Who is he?!
HE’S GONNAAAAAA DOOOOOO ITTTTTTTT!
My Wife: WHY IS HE IN THERE???
My Wife: GET HIM OUTTA THERE!!!! RABBIIIIII!!!!
Fun Fact: Below is a (semi-interesting) video of the kick return recreated on Tecmo Bowl. It’s almost worth watching.
Andre Williams, RB, Boston College
Key stats – Rushing: 2,102 yds, 17 td, 6.4 ypc … Receiving: NADA, NUTHIN, NOT ONE STINKIN’ RECEPTION
Andre Willy is an absolute beast. He came out of nowhere this year to rush for over TWO THOUSAND yards, but also happens to attend the same school that Enrico went to, so he is officially a MAJOR DORK.
Look at this tweet he sent out earlier this season:
One of the perks of going to BC is the ability to have intelligent dinner conversations. #WeAreBC
— Andre Williams (@drewill44) August 27, 2013
Ughghhghghhh. Shut up. No one cares about intelligent dinner conversations. Except for my Rabbi/Step-Mother-In-Law (who happens to be a very nice person!).
Fun Fact: Doug Flutie can suck my butt!
AJ McCarron, QB, Alabama
Key stats – Passing: 2,676 yds, 26 td, 5 int, 1 really really really hot girlfriend
AJ McCarron has done it. The man has really done it. He’s done everything anyone would ever want to do in this world. And I don’t mean the back-to-back titles or the upcoming NFL contract, I mean the fact that he has a super-duper-glooper-hot girlfriend. What else in life really matters?
The @CrackerBarrel on exit 76 in Tuscaloosa management is really bad and I feel sorry for the company with such a good rep. Lost my respect!
— AJ McCarron (@10AJMcCarron) November 24, 2013
Even though AJ has been dating a totally bing-bong-don’t-stop-get-it-get-it girl for the last two years, isn’t it time for him to cash her in for something different? Not necessarily something better, but a little variety? It’s not like Matt Leinart won the Heisman and then stuck with whatever ridiculous chick he was dating at the time. He lived it up as a bachelor and starting goin out with celebrities, porn stars and Playboy Bunns. I’m guessing he also got it on with older chicks, younger chicks, dudes?, whomever. And good for him. Good for him! I would much rather look back on my life knowing that I lived up to my sexual potential as opposed to getting the most out of my athletic skills. Athletic ability is fleeting, sexual domination lasts FOR-EVAH.
So I think we can all agree that it’s time for AJ McCarron to break up with Katherine Webb. I’m sorry Katherine, it’s not you, it’s me. I want to watch AJ McCarron do the diddle-dang-dang with other ladies. Could this be the first time The 700 Level was responsible for a breakup?!?!
Fun Fact: Check out your boy’s tattoos!
Real Gs don’t cover up their belly buttons!
(I have no idea what that means.)
Follow The Evster @TVMWW.
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