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The Evster: So We’re Really Goin’ with Riley Cooper as our #2 WR, Huh?

Sep 6, 2013, 12:56 PM EDT

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So what you’re telling me is that the Philadelphia Eagles – the organization who once employed Jerome Brown – is starting Riley Cooper at wide receiver. Riley Cooper. The 5th round draft pick and extremely mediocre wide receiver who also happens to have a really shafty haircut (and tends to be somewhat of a racist). That Riley Cooper. I just want us to all understand what’s going on here, because the season starts Monday. This Monday. And yet, as of now, Riley Cooper, yep, Riley Cooper, the same Riley Cooper I was just referring to — a guy who has 46 catches in 3 NFL seasons and heckles concert security guards by calling them the N word — is one of our starting wide receivers. Just so we’re all on the same page here. This is actually happening.

But for now, let’s forget about the fact that Riley Cooper used racial slurs at a Kenny Chesney concert and simply focus on the fact that he WENT to a Kenny Chesney concert. Because in order to do so, a few things must have taken place, it’s not like you’re just walking down the street one day and suddenly stumble into a Kenny Chesney concert. This was a premeditated event, something Riley actually wanted to do. Riley must’ve heard that Kenny Chesney was coming to town, taken interest in getting tickets to the show, found a way to get tickets (either through purchasing them himself or receiving freebies like athletes often do), then, on the night of the show, he still had to say to himself, “Yeah, this is a good idea. I’m gonna go check this Chesney guy out. I like Kenny Chesney,” then put on clothes for the concert, find a way to get himself to Lincoln Financial Field, enjoy the concert so much that he wanted to go BACKSTAGE to possibly meet Mr. Chesney and join in on the Chesney festivities, and then finally call that black dude the N word and end up as the Eagles most (publicly) racist wide receiver ever. I don’t know about you, but that’s not really the type of starting wide receiver I want on my football team. Granted, our other starting wideout (WHO I LOVE) is a bit of clown who made a rap video this offseason with Snoop Lion (WHICH IS AWESOME), but I’ll take that over a racist, country music fan with Goldilocks hair any day.

Then there’s the whole part about Riley Cooper sucking at football. In Riley’s 3-year NFL career, his most famous play has been when he LAID DOWN ON HIS BELLY on a kickoff return. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t really remember AJ Green or Roddy White ever practicing tummy time during any point of their NFL careers. Even if Riley showed great promise, was a late bloomer and had potential to break out like many unknown wide receivers tend to do, wouldn’t he have shown SOME of those signs throughout the last few years? Or preseason games? Or ever? And would an Eagles starting cornerback take a swing at a guy in practice just days before the season opener if he thought his teammate was worth anything to the squad? That might not be a good question, because Cary Williams seems like a total lunatic, but still, why would anyone want to go through life with such a stupid haircut?!?!

source:  But he’s a starter! A starter for our favorite professional football team. So this year, the Eagles will have a dog-killing quarterback (WHO I ALSO LOVE) throwing touchdowns to a redneck idiot. Seems like a double standard, I know, that we can love Vick but still hate Riley, but Michael Vick is GOOD and Riley Cooper is BAD. (Err, I guess you could argue that Michael Vick sucks too, but at least he’s fun to watch, while Cooper is embarrassing to look at, especially when he takes off his helmet and shakes his long locks like my 13-year-old cousin, Leah.) Vick can throw a football through a linebacker’s face or leap over a whole guy at any moment, so we support him. And yes, that’s probably unfair to Riley, but this is THE GRIDIRON, and at every level from Pop Warner to high school to the THA ARENA BOWL, the best players have always received special treatment. This is nothing new. The bottom line is that Michael Vick has a rocket arm and jackrabbit legs and that Riley Cooper has a dumb name and a dumb face.

(Plus, for all intents and purposes, Vick has been a pretty good guy since he got to town. His teammates love him, he has done charity work in the community (The Vick Foundation recently donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to build a new football field in Fairmount Park) and as far as I know, he has not killed one single dog since he’s been here.)

All right, I could go on and on about Riley sucking and being a racist and doing commercials for Vidal Sassoon, but at some point you have to stop complaining and start asking, “What can the Eagles do about it?”

Well I feel like they could still do a few things:

1. They could cut Riley and start Jason Avant at WR2, Demaris Johnson at WR3, Vince Papale at WR4 and my Aunt Maxine at WR5. I guess that’s probably not the best plan, but with the number of tight ends on this roster, it just might work, and my Aunt Maxine is a WARRIOR who smokes A LOT of cigarettes.

2. Find someone else. I know, I know, I know, how could a new receiver possibly learn Chip Kelly’s before Monday Night? (And to make things even more difficult, the game has an early start time.) But after the latest round of NFL cuts, there are some decent dudes out there: Robert Meachem, Mohamed Massequoi, CHAD HALL, some dude I saw walking down the street the other day in a Michael Crabtree jersey … now, I understand that these guys got cut for a reason, they probably suck too, but I’d rather have them on the squad than a racist, no-talent butthead who wanted to go backstage to meet Kenny Chezzy Chezz.

3. They could just get rid of him and figure it out.

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#SecretSnapper

But who cares what I think? I’m just a fan, just like you, and we have no say regarding what the Eagles do with their roster. So what can we really do? I guess we could boo Riley every time he runs out on the field, gets targeted, drops a pass, scores a touchdown, takes off his helmet and whips his hair in the breeze, anything to tell the organization that we don’t approve of their personnel decisions or Riley’s lousy play. Unfortunately, many Eagles fans tend to be degenerate racists, so I can’t imagine anyone actually going for that.

Personally, I hope the guy breaks his leg week 1. That’s not true, I don’t really wish that, but I hope something happens to prevent him from playing for our team. But I doubt anything will. Riley’s here, he’s in the starting lineup and we’re just gonna have to suck it up.

So when Vick (or Foles or Barkley or David Duke) throws up a fade to Riley in the end zone and he comes down with it and that stupid fight song starts playing and the guy next to you holds up both palms for a double high five, I guess we’ll just have to take a deep breath and go along with it. Maybe deep down we can celebrate Vick and the state of Virginia’s rehabilitation program. Or maybe we’ll be reminded that football is the ultimate team game and it’s not necessarily Riley’s touchdown, but one shared by everyone on the roster. Or maybe we can just log onto Twitter to see that stripper who takes off her clothes every time the Eagles score.

Seriously, @AnnaPHCPhilly. Check her out. She’s a dancer at Cheerleaders and takes an article of clothing off every time the Birds score. It’s called “Pics for Points” and it’s honestly amazing / really, really, really weird and I CANNOT WAIT for our first score.

Seriously, I will compromise everything I’m about for one picture of a woman’s bare butt.

Follow the Evster @TVMWW.

  1. greg - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:31 PM

    Check your own hate jackass! What a worthless piece of garbage, most of which I thankfully didn’t read but some of which I did read and I’ll never have that time back.

    Reply
    • lyle - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:38 PM

      like most articles on here…i think they just copy and paste articles from the East Camden Middle School Times and repost it here.

      never thought I would hear myself say this..but I’m going to enjoy Andrew Kulp articles more

      Reply
    • blahblah - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:41 PM

      Riley? is that you?

      Reply
  2. Kunk - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:35 PM

    I appreciate anyone named Chad, but CHAD HALL sucks. So maybe Riley Cooper can change his name to Chad Cooper? Would be a comforting salve on our wounds imo.

    Reply
  3. Simmonds17 - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:47 PM

    Umm, I think there’s been some confusion and that this piece should have been headlined “Fake WIP Callers’ 2013 Eagles Preview.” Or is the site running two of those?
    Yes, the fact that Cooper has 40-odd receptions as a backup over three years of course means he can’t or won’t step up his game as a starter. News flash – backups sometimes get promoted and rise to the occasion. That could happen here. Cooper isn’t even close to the worst starter the Eagles have had in recent years – and looking at Isaac Sopoaga and Nate Allen, he’s probably nowhere close to the Eagles worst starter this year.
    But yeah he likes country music and had a very unfortunate incident (which he’s only apologized for a zillion times, when clearly he should have built a time machine and undone the entire incident instead), so he must suck.
    Otherwise, nice article.

    Reply
    • lyle - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:52 PM

      is it possible to find footage of casey mathews getting cooked by brandon jacobs? lol christ, we’ve have some head scratchers

      Reply
      • matthews sucks - Sep 7, 2013 at 11:52 AM

        Agreed. I was sitting in that corner of the field and that play is still burned into my memory. I can’t believe he’s still on the team.

      • KK - Sep 7, 2013 at 2:35 PM

  4. Turbo - Sep 6, 2013 at 1:54 PM

    Your commentary on Kenny Chesney and Riley’s hair is spot on. Evster keeps it ril.

    Reply
  5. Barry O. - Sep 6, 2013 at 2:03 PM

    Theevster is our biggest threat to peaceful race relations in this country today.

    Reply
  6. TheEvster - Sep 6, 2013 at 2:35 PM

    That draft pick we used on a fireman turned out well.

    Reply
    • Turbo - Sep 6, 2013 at 2:37 PM

      Did you copy an East Camden Middle School Times article be honest your readers demand to know.

      Reply
  7. Maiden666 - Sep 6, 2013 at 2:43 PM

    Riley definitely has the worst musical tastes on the team – because rap doesn’t qualify as music. Rhythmic talking in bad English over beats generated from hitting a space bar can’t qualify as music. Let’s cut our entire roster, and replace it with metal fans \m/

    Reply
  8. GTown_Dave - Sep 6, 2013 at 2:43 PM

    Dear Skip Bayless The Evster,

    Great post! I, too, miss those Eagles role models of years past …

    You already mentioned Jerome Brown, leader of the 1897 pre-Fiesta Bowl walkout from a joint team dinner by University of Miami players; the guy who was kicked out of campus housing because he left a gun lying around in the football dorm for a kid to find; the man who killed himself and his 12-year-old nephew driving like a maniac, and whose own son — you know, the child he wasn’t around to help raise — is currently serving 25 years for murder …

    Also, revered defector Reggie White, the virulently homophobic religious nut …

    Yet how could you fail to mention the more recent example of Hugh Douglas, who appears to have an alcohol problem AND an “n-word” issue? Dimes to donuts Dougie’s former colleague, Michael A. Smith, didn’t find Hugh’s drunken verbal and physical assault merely a friendly back-and-forth between a couple of African-American males …

    Sadly, I haven’t been able to pin down the late Rev. White’s opinion of country music. At least I can rest assured knowing good ol’ gay-hatin’ Reg would’ve felt every bit as threatened by Riley Cooper’s long hair as you!

    Even so, I can’t help but wish our #2 wideout were a budding All-Pro, or at least didn’t flat suck at football. Then we wouldn’t need to have these hypocritical and thoroughly tiresome debates about player character flaws when what’s actually pissing us off is the fact that, for the 20th consecutive season, Jeff Lurie will be fielding a team which will not win the Super Bowl.

    Anyhoo, keep up the good work!

    GTown_Dave

    Reply
    • lyle - Sep 6, 2013 at 2:58 PM

      this city is probably the most hypocritical city in the country. everyone bashes rollins and howard for under performing, but what were they saying when jroll backed his talk up with the “team to beat” message, or when howard carried the team on his back offensively ’09…you would think chase utley has been injured since 10th grade the way people defend him.

      i was surprised riley cooper idt get knighted by angelo and his morning team for his racist comments…the voice of our city was born and raised in boson

      great post gtown dave

      Reply
    • TheEvster - Sep 6, 2013 at 3:19 PM

      Those dudes sacked a lotta quarterbacks doe

      Reply
  9. duffman - Sep 6, 2013 at 3:21 PM

    the first article ever posted to the700level that i wish wasn’t posted.

    what the hell is this?

    Reply
  10. Mike - Sep 6, 2013 at 3:25 PM

    When it comes to race relations, I believe Cool James said it best: “The relationship between the Mason-Dixon needs some fixin’”

    Reply
  11. supercooper - Sep 6, 2013 at 4:28 PM

    this is literally the best piece ever written on this blog.

    Reply
  12. AR - Sep 6, 2013 at 4:29 PM

    This article is soo Lame…

    Reply
  13. RL23 - Sep 6, 2013 at 5:12 PM

    This is what “trying to be funny” looks like.

    You need an editor. One with a sense of humor, perhaps.

    Reply
  14. BenE. - Sep 6, 2013 at 5:22 PM

    Stop it will ya!

    Reply
  15. igantz - Sep 7, 2013 at 12:14 AM

    I can’t tell if this was one big joke or you’re really serious.
    If it was a joke, it was lame.
    If it was serious, it was lame.
    Guess it really doesn’t matter does it?

    Reply
  16. Chris - Sep 8, 2013 at 11:21 PM

    I used to love this blog, now all of these hyperbole and shtick posts are getting ridiculous. The only thing funny about them are the idiot commenters who think they are real.

    Don’t Onion the700level.

    Reply
    • duffman - Sep 9, 2013 at 8:50 AM

      it would be different if it was actually funny instead of terrible. specifically this topic was a bad choice because i am sure some people actually feel this way about cooper.

      Reply
  17. 2sentz - Sep 9, 2013 at 9:14 AM

    So I was out on a job this weekend (at a city showing entire Browns-Dolphins game, does it matter which town?) and missed this chestnut of a post. Article seems pretty ballsy and peculiarly serious for a guy who normally writes very funny stuff.

    Here’s the line I have an issue with: “Unfortunately, many Eagles fans tend to be degenerate racists…”
    Not sure how that could be satirical, so I’m assuming the Evster is serious about implying we have a larger, more racist fanbase than other teams or cities. Which is recklessly false. Chances are, 95%+ of people visiting this site have hung in bars or stadiums in cities watching teams other than the Eagles play (see first sentence at top). So we all know we hear roughly the same number of idiots in any town spouting frustrated, quasi-racist things when their team sucks. I heard a LOT yesterday while those two teams were out-sucking each other.

    Would like to request the funny-Evster back, please…

    Reply
    • Simmonds17 - Sep 9, 2013 at 12:28 PM

      Well, you know, 2sentz, some Philadelphia fans booed Donovan McNabb some of the time – and that equals racism, at least going by the level of analysis featured in the article above.
      To be sure, there are racist fans in Philadelphia (and every other big sports market). But things like being critical of McNabb or Ryan Howard are sometimes used to perceive racism.
      There’s the Philadelphia fan who believes you can’t win a Super Bowl with a black quarterback – that’s pretty racist, to my way of thinking. Then, there’s the Philadelphia fan who’s just a miserable prick and is negative most of the time, towards athletes who are black, white, Hispanic, etc. That’s a different pathology – but not necessarily racism.
      And there are those of us who try to be fair but also see and will talk about the flaws in players’ games, whether they are black or not. Evster may think people like that (including me) are racists, but I would say they (we) aren’t. At least not all or most of us.

      Reply
  18. duffman - Dec 1, 2013 at 9:10 PM

    so does the author stand by this article after today’s unreal one-handed catch and great production over the last 4 games…from a #2 WR?

    Reply

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