Feb 18, 2013, 11:29 AM EST
are two types of people in this world: those who enjoy life, and those
who enjoy sweatpants. Luckily for you, I prefer the latter, and spent my
entire Saturday night on my couch, knuckle deep in a bag of Doritos,
watching every minute of the NBA’s annual semi-interesting, kind of
lame, sort of amazing, totally boring All Star Saturday Night.
So let’s take a look at the top 8 things from Saturday night that are sort of worth talking about.
Whoever Booked the Musical Acts Seemed to be Completely Unaware of What Kind of Music Basketball Fans Actually Listen To
that on a night when Drake, B.O.B., and Swizz Beatz sat literally FIVE
FEET AWAY from Nick Cannon’s microphone, the NBA still decided to book
musical acts, Ellie Goulding, Fall Out Boy and a guy named Phillip
Phillips. Now don’t get me wrong, I like Ellie Goulding, and I even like
Phillip Phillips (despite the fact that his name is PHILLIP PHILLIPS),
but I’m also a white person from the suburbs who owns zero pairs of
Though There is a Guy Named Phillip Phillips in this World, He Still
Didn’t Have the Most Ridiculous Name in the Arena on Saturday Night
honor went to Paul George, whose name is slightly more ridiculous than
both the aforementioned Phillip Phillips and the President and CEO of
Foot Locker, Jake Jacobs.
even more mind-boggling is the fact that no one seems to even bat an
eyelash that there is an actual grown up human being in our society who
goes by the name of Swizz Beatz.
Kyrie Irving Went Bonkers in the Three Point Contest, But I’m Still Gonna Spend Most of This Section Talking About Matt Bonner
big deal, Uncle Drew only made SEVENTEEN OF HIS FIRST EIGHTEEN SHOTS in
the final round, and yet he was still upstaged by the fact that Matt
Bonner showed up WITH THIS MUSTACHE.
the contest, Rick Fox (TNT’s newest sideline reporter / doorknob) told
us that Kobe is now calling Bonner “The Red Mamba,” which is probably a
good thing considering Bonner’s old nickname, “The Red Rocket,” is what
most people in our society call a dog’s erect penis.
TNT then panned to these Red Mamba fans who clearly have no idea what an acronym is.
Also, here’s the least surprising thing you’ll hear all week: Matt Bonner is from New Hampshire.
Obligatory Paragraph About Jrue Holiday Considering This Blogpost is Being Written for a Philadelphia Sports Website
finished in second place in the Taco Bell Skills Challenge, losing to
Damian Lillard of the Blazers, which is fine I guess, I mean who cares,
really? At least he didn’t embarrass our city like Larry Hughes in the 2000 Dunk Contest
or Joey Lawrence in the 90’s. Frankly, I’m just proud of him for
beating Tony Parker, considering Tony Parker SLEPT WITH HIS BEST
FRIEND’S WIFE WHO ALSO HAPPENED TO BE THE ONLY WHITE DUDE TO EVER WIN
THE DUNK CONTEST.
Muggsy Bogues is Still Super Cute
Lauper has her own reality show and this guy doesn’t? What is wrong
with this world? I would pay top dollar to watch Muggsy eat a meatball
Nick Cannon is the Worst, Although Rick Fox is also the Worst
think that on an occasion where Craig Sager was given the night off
that we, the fans, would get rewarded, but noooooooooooooo, TNT decided
to let Nick Cannon host the festivities, proving that Mariah Carey
really is as crazy as we thought. Listening to Cannon blab for three
hours was more painful than trying to get through this post.
Here, in my humble opinion (not that humble), are the top 5 worst TV personalities’ personalities.
5. Sean the Bachelor – Such a snooze.
4. Rick Fox – Too much hair product!
3. Nick Cannon – The East and West squads were competing for THEIR charities, not THEY charities!
2. Stuart Scott – Say “boo-yow” one more time.
1. Mario Lopez – You’re aware of this movie below, right? You have to be aware of this movie.
Dunk Contest? More like Dornk Corntest
Before I complain about the dunk contest, check out this tweet from our main man Shane Victorino just before it started:
I too was excited for the dunk contest. I always am. It’s one of life’s
ultimate teases (right up there with Mariah Carey), but something
really does need to be done going forward. And yeah, everyone’s got a
solution, “LEBRON VS. BLAKE” … “RAISE THE RIMS TO 12 FEET!” … “PLAYERS
SHOULD DUNK WITH THEIR SHIRTS OFF!” (my wife’s idea) … but here is a
suggestion that I don’t think you’ve heard yet.
of giving the contestants 90 seconds to strut around, try to look cool
and then brick 16 dunks in a row, I say try to create NONSTOP
ram-jamming. Have guys dunk back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back for 90
seconds of constant rim-rattling, ram-jam-blim-blam action. It would
just be constant rim destruction, and then after the 90-second round,
the dunkers would be scored on their overall performance — kinda like
the floor exercise. They could even wear leotards. And we could even
have a couple of different rounds and have like 10 guys in it so
everyone didn’t get super tired and also, the leotards.
in 2007, I went to see Chester High play Schenley from Pittsburgh and
during layup lines, they put together one of the most awesome
ramma-lamma-jam sessions I’ve ever seen. In high school basketball,
there is a rule that you CANNOT dunk in warmups — it’s a technical foul
— but during this game the two teams came out on the floor before the
refs did, so for about three minutes they just went back and forth
tearing down the baskets WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE. At the time,
Chester had Rahlir Hollis-Jefferson (now at Temple) and Nasir Robinson
(Pitt) while Schenley featured Dejuan Blair BEFORE he had his ACLs
spent the entire three minutes screaming like a woman and consider it
to be the only enjoyable experience of my life spent outside my living
By the way, Terrence Ross won this year’s contest. He plays for the Raptors, who apparently still have a team.
Tyson Chandler is One of Those People Who Gets Way Too Excited About Taking Pictures
Get over yourself, Tyson!
How amazing is DVR?!?!
I just got it!
Does anyone watch Downton Abbey???
The Evster writes the blog TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW, or you can purchase this DVD of the Greg Louganis Story, starring Mario Lopez. It’s only $15.
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