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Tastykakes, ranked

Oct 18, 2013, 9:25 AM EDT

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All Tastykakes are delicious. But all Tastykakes are not created equal. Some are just a bit more delicious than others. This is the order of deliciousness:

15. Anything sugar free

Just buy some carrot sticks.

14. Snowballs

Are they really pink? What kind of person buys these?

13. Dreamies

Twinkie’s step sister.

12. Chocolate Bells

These things are good but they’re just like a weird cupcake flipped over and more challenging to eat.

11. Honeybuns

Too much sugar.

10. Danish

Eh, who really wants to eat a Danish? Your grandmother? We’re not in Finland.

9. Cookie Bars (Oatmeal Raisin)

Surprisingly solid and easy to eat when you’re in a hurry without the mess. Reliable.

8. Tasty Klair

Listed this one out on it’s own because it’s technically one of the pies but has that doughnut vibe to it. The liquid goo is what I imagine the mystical foods in Nintendo’s Zelda taste like.

source:  7. Kandy Bar Kakes (Peanut Butter w/ actual Reese’s jawns)

These are new and what inspired these rankings. Went out last night and got the peanut butter kind and it was damn good. You get that familiar soft kakey inside with a nice chocolate crust but the gooey peanut butter center makes you melt. Very good.

6. Pies (Apple)

5. Chocolate Junior

Both the Chocolate Junior and Koffee Kake Junior are pretty banging but the chocolate clearly has the icing (also icing in the middle! so important) to even out all that kake. Must have a coffee or big glass of milk to get through one of these guys. The proportions of the cupcake are far superior as you’ll read below.

4. Rich frosted mini donuts (Chocolate)

Perfectly sized, well proportioned cake to icing, and easy to pop and eat on the go. Be weary of the powdered sugar because then your coworkers may think you have some yayo problem.

3. Krimpet (Butterscotch, obviously)

Sometimes it’s nice to feel like you’re sitting in third grade again eating your brown bagged lunch.

2. Peanut Butter Kandy Kake

One of Philadelphia’s gifts to the world.

1. Cream Filled Cupcake (chocolate cake, vanilla icing and filling)

The perfect mix of cake and icing on top with the super amazing bonus icing in the middle of the cupcake. The only thing wrong with these are the tough decision you are faced with on how to approach the ball of icing amazingness in the center. Do you save it to the end for one euphoric bite of icing ball? Or do you ration out a little piece of said icing surprise with each bite? Sometimes life’s decisions are not easy.

source:

*FULL DISCLOSURE*: This post was in no way sponsored by Tastykake but if anyone over there wants to send us cases of Tastykakes for this free advertising we can certainly get you our mailing address and highly encourage you to do so.

Post also inspired by this regional food rankings post over at Deadspin, Hamilton Nolan’s ranking of things like animals and fruit, and because my buddy The Evster live tweeted his eating of one of the new Kandy Kake Bars yesterday which inspired me to go out and purchase one of the peanut butter variety last night with a gallon of milk (2%).

  1. BenE. - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:02 AM

    Butterscotch Krimpets are proof that God sent his only son to die for the sin that is Hostess.

    Reply
  2. 33 - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:04 AM

    Nice list. I’ve never heard of some of these lesser-ranked ones. Definitely never heard of these inspiring KandyBar Kakes.

    Missing, for my money, is the other kind of Kandy Kakes, which are maybe top-3 for me. The Cream-Filled Cupkakes are sooo good. Love that the cream in the middle is different than the cream on top.

    In the Great Krimpet Battle, it’s Butterscotch defeating Jelly, but the good news is, there need be no winner—we have them both for a reason.

    Reply
  3. Joey Bagadonuts - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:04 AM

    You sir, are a god for writing this article. Very well done.

    Reply
  4. phillyrulez04 - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:07 AM

    Tastyklairs are #8?! And the spice cake krimpets are unranked?

    Brayden Schenn must’ve written this list after that “fight” he had.

    Reply
    • sfsu - Oct 18, 2013 at 1:28 PM

      It’s almost like people have different taste buds than you

      Reply
  5. 33 - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:15 AM

    Also, never has my office felt so bereft of TastyKakes. So thanks for that.

    Reply
  6. Beanski - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:18 AM

    Tasty klair really needs to move up to 1! Pretty good otherwise

    Reply
  7. psudrozz - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:22 AM

    cherry pies mmmmmmmm.

    asking me to choose my favorite krimpet is like asking me to name my most hated sports team. there is no right answer, there is no wrong answer.

    Reply
    • sfsu - Oct 18, 2013 at 1:28 PM

      Butterscotch, and New York Giants. Pretty easy actually.

      Reply
      • psudrozz - Oct 18, 2013 at 5:05 PM

        you didn’t ask me.

  8. jMc - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:34 AM

    The pumpkin pie seasonal offering needs to be close to the top. That @#$@#’s the bomb. Coconut cream pie also mighty tasty.

    Reply
  9. stevebetz - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:52 AM

    Stevil — As a Catholic school kid that got one in his lunch everyday, I appreciate your excellent journalism on this. Can’t really disagree, though I’d probably bump Chocolate Juniors up a notch or two.

    Reply
  10. james vey - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:56 AM

    Great, now i have to get a gallon of milk and a couple of boxes of cupkakes. Lol

    Reply
  11. littlebaldman - Oct 18, 2013 at 11:03 AM

    Butterscotch Krimpets, or GTFO.

    Reply
  12. Jeff - Oct 18, 2013 at 11:12 AM

    Cream filled cupcakes are not #1.

    You forgot the Halloween styled varities and seasonal ones. Chocolate Coconut Kandy Kakes are awesome. Jelly Krimpets > Butterscotch Krimpets.

    The pies are awesome and Tasty Klair needs to rank much higher on the list.

    Sad list. :P

    Reply
  13. Pete D - Oct 18, 2013 at 11:30 AM

    School lunch krimpet comment so classic. I used to hate it when they got smashed

    Reply
    • eys23 - Oct 19, 2013 at 9:08 AM

      I used to hate it when the butterscotch icing got stuck to the plastic wrapper so you had to eat the icing separate from the cake. Wait a minute… that was the best part of eating butterscotch krimpets back in the day!

      Reply
  14. Kevin McGuire - Oct 18, 2013 at 11:30 AM

    To me, the butterscoth krimpet will forever be THE Tastykake, but to each his or her own.

    Reply
  15. Salvatore Bergeron - Oct 18, 2013 at 11:43 AM

    This list needs to be beefed up some more. Are you kidding me? If you’re going to have those Sugar-Free and Snowball garbage, put on some Coffee Cake or Jelly Krimpets. Get on another level, the 700 perhaps…?

    Reply
  16. greg - Oct 18, 2013 at 11:53 AM

    they made their mascot a butterscotch krimpet. is there really any argument here?
    coincidently i just shipped a bunch of these out west to virgin TK eaters. be interested to hear what they think

    Reply
  17. dr. love - Oct 18, 2013 at 11:54 AM

    1. Coconut Junior
    2. Peanut Butter Tandy Take
    3. Butterscotch Krimpet

    Reply
  18. sp - Oct 18, 2013 at 12:50 PM

    10. Cookie Bars (Oatmeal Raisin or Fudge)
    9. Chocolate Junior / Koffee Kake Junior
    8. Pies (Fruit)
    7. Peanut Butter Kandy Kake
    6. Chocolate Kandy Kake
    5. Coffee Cake Cupcake (cream filled)
    4. Tasty Klair
    3. Pies (French Apple)
    2. Cream Filled Cupcake (chocolate cake, vanilla icing and filling)
    1. Krimpet (Butterscotch > Jelly)

    N/R Kandy Bar Kakes (Peanut Butter w/ actual Reese’s jawns)

    Reply
    • Joey Bagadonuts - Oct 18, 2013 at 1:31 PM

      Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes at number 7??? You’re tripin bro.

      Reply
  19. caliphornian - Oct 18, 2013 at 2:18 PM

    There’s a whole other list inside The List just for pies. Not all Pies are equal.

    Reply
  20. Crystal - Oct 18, 2013 at 2:44 PM

    I’d have to say krimpets & chocolate juniors are my top two favorite, and I’d rather the powdered donuts over the chocolate donuts any day . But great reading !

    Reply
  21. Handsome Pete - Oct 18, 2013 at 4:15 PM

    Klair Forever.

    Also inexplicably into the weird fruit pudding limited pies – watermelon and pink lemonade come to mind.

    Reply
    • Handsome Pete - Oct 18, 2013 at 7:12 PM

      Also, people shouldn’t sleep on the sickeningly sweet Fudge Brownie. When rolled in a middle school cafeteria, becomes a delicious nutty turd.

      Reply
  22. Gary Spangenberg - Oct 18, 2013 at 4:40 PM

    I always liked chocolate creemies but they are almost non-existent anymore. You know…the long oval looking cakes with vanilla cream in the middle.

    My all time top 3 since 1962 when I was old enough to ride my bike to the corner store.

    Butterscotch Krimpets
    Tasty-Klair
    Chocolate Creemies / but since I can never find them anymore I’ll go with the cream filled cupcake

    Reply
  23. chappdaddy - Oct 18, 2013 at 5:09 PM

    My top three would be:

    Butterscotch Krimpets
    Peanut Butter Kandy Kake
    Cream Filled Cupcake

    And thanks to the Weis here in good old Fort Meade Maryland I can have all three in either Cake form or Ice Cream with chucks of the Cake in it.

    Reply
  24. repotorp - Oct 18, 2013 at 6:45 PM

    PB Kandy Kakes STILL #1 on my list. Plus the commenter who noted Coconut Junior- yes sir they are the best of the Junior line.

    If you like the Tasty-Klair, try the seasonal Orange Creamsicle pie- yum. ON the fruit pie front- apple & french apple are decent, cherry is good, lemon has its niche, but the blueberry, peach and seasonal strawberry are total letdowns.

    Also what ever happened to the Jelly Krimpet? I liked them.

    ON the downside I tried the (overpriced) Kandy Bar Kakes Almond Joy flavor which was an insult to Coconut… even to Almond Joy bars. Saw and wanted to try the tempting York Peppermint Patty flavor some time back, and the Reese’s one, but the bar itself is just oily and sub-par.

    Also those donuts are pretty well ranked for such low rent, boring and stale tasting donuts.

    Good post though- interesting topic.

    Reply
  25. Pablo - Oct 18, 2013 at 8:39 PM

    Entemann’s > Tastykake anything

    Sad but true, Philly can’t produce decent baked goods.

    Reply
    • foree - Oct 18, 2013 at 10:16 PM

      HOW DARE YOU

      Reply

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