Jul 12, 2013, 10:55 AM EDT
I cannot wait to heckle Andrew Bynum when he comes back to the Wells Farg.
I might even make a sign, even though I recognize that there’s nothing lamer than making a sign, and nothing more annoying than sitting behind a fan holding one up. And yet I’m still considering it. Right now my #1 sign idea is: “HEY ANDREW HOW’S THE WEATHER UP THERE JK NO ONE CARES.” I think it’s pretty good.
But the thing is, Bynum didn’t really do anything wrong here. (Yeah, there was the whole bowling thing, but bowling is SUPER FUN and we can’t get mad at a person for bowling.) He was just injured and wanted to make sure he was healthy before cashing in on free agency, and that’s really no reason to hate him. It was just his complete and total apathy for the whole situation that was so maddening. Not once did it ever seem like he understood that we were excited to have him. Not once did it seem like he wanted to dunk on people’s necks. It’s not fun to watch Spencer Hawes play basketball. Andrew didn’t get that, and now he’s leaving town as one of this city’s all-time most hated athletes.
I’m not sure if Andrew cares (in fact, I’m not sure if this guy cares about anything), but I think he might. Because if getting through middle school taught me anything, it’s that most people in this world, deep down, just want to be liked.
And Andrew still could be.
All the guy needs a good public relations person and one thoughtful press release. So I am offering special one-time only pro bono Evster PR services to Andrew (and Eric Lindros, Scott Rolen and Donovan McNabb) to repair their images once and for all.
Andrew Bynum: “Yo, I’m sorry this didn’t work out. I really am. I came to Philly super excited to follow in the footsteps of the great Sixers big men like Wilt and Moses and Shawn Bradley (jk that guy sucked), and be the face of this franchise, but my body just wouldn’t let it happen. I get injured so much and it’s really, really frustrating. I really appreciate the Sixers organization showing confidence in me, trading for me and prying me away from that whack job in Los Angeles, that city is friggin’ bonkers by the way, have you ever been there? People wear jackets there all the time. It’s like, 78 degrees every day, and they still wear jackets. Ridiculous. My time here wasn’t supposed to end like this, and yes, I admit the bowling thing was stupid, but I friggin’ love bowling. Cherry soda? Amazing. Those old school jawns with the plastic cups and the seltzer shoots out and then the syrup? You can’t beat that! After being laid up for a while, I just wanted to get out of the house and roll a few frames with the fellas, but them lanes is slippery! You know them lanes is slippery! So I’m sorry, but I’ve got to move on, and I’m sure you understand that. Best of luck to the organization. Best of luck to Nerlens, I know how hard coming back from injuries can be. I really hope Cleveland has good sandwiches. You guys got some good-ass sandwiches here. Yo, you seriously got some good-ass sandwiches here. Y’all should be proud. Peace.”
Eric Lindros: “Not sure if you guys are aware of this, but during my time here I suffered a bunch of brain injuries, which means I suffered injuries to my BRAIN. Do you get that? Do you understand what I’m saying there? I’m not even sure if I understand, because my brain is broken and I have trouble understanding things, but I want you to try and understand that THERE’S AN “S” AFTER THE WORD INJURY BECAUSE I HAD MULTIPLE MULTIPLE MULTIPLE BRAIN INJURIES. I wanted that Stanley Cup, I really did, but THE WHOLE THING WITH MY BRAIN AND IT GETTING INJURED AND ALL, I just wasn’t able to make it happen. I always wanted to be the next Gretzky or Lemieux or Messier, but when my BRAIN STARTED TO SWELL UP INSIDE OF MY SKULL, I started to make some really poor decisions. Also, my dad is a total whack job. Ugh, parents, am I right? Can’t live with ‘em, do you guys hear a doggie? I think I hear a doggie. Sorry that I wasn’t able to achieve my goals here, but I’m very thankful for, do you hear a doggie? I definitely hear a doggie. I’m going to go find that doggie. Here, doggie! Here, doggie!”
Scott Rolen: “I am a white person from Indiana who was drafted by a professional sports team that plays its home games in the murder capital of the world. And still, I feel like I gave you guys six solid seasons of hustle, grit and ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE DEFENSE I MEAN DID YOU SEE SOME OF THOSE PLAYS I MADE. But the Vet turf, I mean, that Vet turf?!?! You saw that guy on the Bears blow out both of his ACLs. HE BLEW OUT BOTH OF HIS ACLS! I’m from Indiana for God’s sake! I needed to get back there. People from St. Louis and the Midwest are so nice. Yeah, they also commit murders, but there’s plenty of great parking available in downtown St. Louis and people in this town park in the middle of Broad Street! Who does that? You can just park in the middle of the street? This place is lawless. And why is everyone in this town always yelling at each other? Must be the humidity. I just had to get out of here. I’m sure you understand. His ACLs literally exploded out of his legs. He was screaming.”
Donovan McNabb: “You gotta see how much food they give you during Super Bowl week. Everywhere you go, there’s just buffet tables and spreads and little dishes of peanuts and pretzels and Chex Mix, you wouldn’t think Chex Mix was that delicious, but it is, and by the time that 4th quarter rolled around, I was queasy as a mugg. Plus, went to Olive Garden the night before, which was obviously a mistake, but dude, free breadsticks and salad?!?! How do you turn that down? Literally, as many breadsticks as you can eat. So sorry about the puking. I wanted to win, I really did, but I also wanted to just eat some breadsticks. You understand. How do you guys not like me? I played basketball at Syracuse for God’s sake! That’s so cool. Devendorf? Sherman Douglas! Please get off my back. Remember that scramble against the Redskins? Doug Pederson seriously sucked though, right, we can at least agree on that. You don’t even have to like me, I really don’t care, but can we just agree that Doug Pederson sucked so much butt? Do you know that he’s now Andy Reid’s offensive coordinator in Kansas City? That’s unbelievable. Shawn Bradley was seriously the worst, though, c’mon, let’s be honest. Shawn Bradley? Seriously? #76? C’mon. Hook shots? Hook shots??!?! C’mon, guys. C’mon. C’mon, man. Seriously. Shawn Bradley?”
If you want to hire The Evster to handle your clients’ public relations, follow him @TVMWW.
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