The Evster reviews Wawa's new Turkey Club Sandwich

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It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment when Wawa took over the world. Some people claim it was right after they developed the Sizzli. Others argue it was when they got into the petroleum biz, and everyone was like, "Wawa has oil?! I thought they just owned some cows." Personally, I think Wawa changed the game when they introduced those do-it-yourself milkshake makers, the ones where you just take off a lid and jam it in the machine and then all of a sudden you're serving up shakes like your name was Bobby Baskin Robbins. It's gotten to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if Wawa started selling pants.

I see you lady in them fuzzy boots!

Throughout their rise to global domination, Wawa has always stayed true to their roots: milk, coffee and preying on the fat, weak, Philadelphia residents sandwiches. Also those little individual 25-cent candies that they keep by the checkout counters. The ones that you stare at and think, "Do I really need to eat three Sour Patch Kids?" and then the dude in front of you takes forever to get exact change, and you're like, "They're only a quarter though, it's basically a no-brainer," and then he asks the lady for matches, and you're like, "Who the hell uses matches?" and then some lady shouts from the opposite cash register, "I'll take the next customer over here!" and you have a split second to think, "Is it worth it to abandon my spot in line? Or should I just wait it out?" but by the time you've made up your mind the person behind you has already sprinted to the other register and you're stuck there to live with your decision until finally you're all, "I'm buying these Peppermint Patties!" and then all is right in the world because Peppermint Patties are DOPE AS FUCK.

But back to the sandwiches.

It's become clear that ever since Wawa started branching out, their sandwiches have slipped. That's not to say that their hoagies aren't still amazing -- they are, and the sweet peppers are always on point, and there are still times when I will demolish a meatball Classic while hovering over my kitchen counter, not even bothering to sit down or tear off the aluminum foil -- but you'd be fooling yourself if you said that Wawa has not fallen off a little bit. Their shredded lettuce is pretty much just recycled green tissue paper at this point. Mayonnaise gets slopped on with no regard for human life. The tomatoes? Don't get me started on the tomatoes. Wawa has not served up a decent tomato since Kurt Nimphius was in town.

So this week when Wawa unveiled the latest addition to their deli menu -- and I realized I had nothing to write about for today's column -- I knew I had to check out the Club Sandwich.

Club Sandwiches are as much a part of American culture as mass public shootings. From Bugs Bunny to my Uncle Ivan, anyone who's anyone has cranked their mouth open as far as it would go to try and stuff a triple decker in there. To be honest, I'm not sure if the Club Sando even cracks the top 30 all-time sandwiches, but like I said before, I literally had nothing to write about this week. It was either this or 3,000 words on why I think Ruben Amaro should sign a frog to play third base next year.

So yesterday afternoon, I walked down to the Center City Wawa in order to experience firsthand what this bad boy was all about.

THE JOURNEY

Wawa is really pushing this new product. Besides slapping billboards all over the Betsy Ross Bridge, the Club Sandwich is the first thing you see when you roll up on the touch-screen menu. You can't argue with $4.49, that's a pretty decent price, even though you know damn well that your sandwich will look nothing like that delicious Ansel Adams photograph.

Besides the standard turkey, Wawa also offers a turkey and ham combo (whoa there Wawa), straight up ham (blech, this isn't 19 ought 6. No one eats ham anymore), roast beef (now we're gettin' somewhere) and roast beef with horseradish sauce (wowzers!). However, I chose to keep it simple and go with the traditional turkey (partially because I wanted to appeal to a mass audience but mostly because I'm not a raging lunatic).

I am of the belief that you should always order your sandwich the way the chef intends it to be eaten. For example, if you're at a place like "Tony's Hoagierama" and there's a sandwich called "The Ting Tang Tony Boom Boom," you have to get it. Non-negotiable. And you can't subtract or add anything to the order. You just gotta take it down as is. Exactly how Tony Boom Boom drew it up.

So I ordered my Turkey Club just like Wawa suggested with oven roasted turkey, applewood smoked bacon, American cheese, lettuce, tomato and mayo on white toast, even though in my opinion, American cheese has NO PLACE in a Club Sando. But then again, who am I to argue with a company that has over $1.57 billion in total assets?

(Rhetorical questch.)

I gotta say, I like that they had a little "I'll Take It" button at the bottom of the order-screen. That's good marketing. I also think that my fingers look sexy as hell in that photo above.

On my way to grab some chips and a drink, I noticed this giant pile of mix-matched pies, sloppily displayed on a cardboard box. I get that things can get a little out of control during the lunchtime rush, but what's up with that one rogue banana? You're better than that, Wawa! Stop slipping! (Banana joke.)

Also, what the hell was the deal with old cartoons and movies always showing people slipping on banana peels? I get that they're slippery, but did people in the 20s just constantly chuck their banana peels on the ground? Like, how often did that really occur? That someone would eat a banana, toss it over their shoulder and then someone else would come along and step on it? AND fall over? I don't buy it. I do not buy it.

These pigeons could care less about that rogue banana. They were straight-up HOUSING some Wawa donuts on the sidewalk. The one dude was pecking like a madman and crumbs were flying all over the place while the other dude was more concerned with nibbling a nearby cigarette butt.

THE PRESENTATION

So that brings us to live, as-it-happened, blogging action. As I am typing this, I am currently back at my office, staring at my food, ready to grip down on this newfangled sandwich.

When I walked in from the cold just a few minutes ago, I found an unused cubicle in a far away corner where I could sit down and spread out in all my Wawa glory. NO ONE KNOWS I AM SITTING HERE. This is glorious. I might even take my shoes off.

As you can see, I decided to complete my meal in the most Wawa way possible: with Herr's chips, a Tasty Klair pie and two Wawa iced teas (they were 2 for $2 ... basically giving 'em away!). On the right side of the picture is an iced tea lemonade and on the left is a BLACKBERRY iced tea because WHAT THE HELL IS BLACKBERRY doing in there?! I am almost as excited to try the BBIT as I am the TC even though I know the BBIT is gonna be absolutely disgusting.

BUT ENOUGH WILL ALL THIS JIBBER-JABBER.

LET'S GET TO THE SANGWICH.

THE MEAL

First thing you'll notice is that Wawa cuts their Clubs in halves instead of quarters. You sorta had to know this was coming, it's not like they're gonna be jamming toothpicks all over the place in a city known for its mega-high stabbing rate. Frankly, I think I might prefer halves over quarters because it helps the sandwich from completely falling apart the second you try to pick it up. But quarters are kinda cool too. This is by far the most worthless and boring paragraph in this entire blog post.

I sure did take a lotta pictures, huh? But let's be honest, this is not the worst looking sandwich in the world.

I'm most nervous for how I'm going to be able to fit this whole thing in my mouth. That's really the #1 concern with all Club Sandwiches. Do you try to bite the entire thing? Or take it down in tiers? Recently my dental hygienist told me that I have one of the smallest mouths she's ever seen, shocking considering I haven't shut up in the last 17 years.

Okay. Here we go. Let's see what this jawn is all about!

Bite 1: Surprisingly easy to get my mouth around. Can definitely taste the cheese. Good ratio of meat to tomato to mayo to everything. Let's keep going.

Bite 2: Legit mayo dripping down the side of my mouth, possibly even into my beard. (CALM DOWN, do you want an in-depth review or WHAT?) Bread has remained surprisingly toasty despite the fact that I walked 5 city blocks to get it here. That's pretty impressive.

Bite 3: I think this might be delicious. The blackberry tea on the other hand is not good. But it's also not bad!

Bite 4: Just noticed there's no more tomato. It just kinda vanished. Not quite sure how that happened, but I'm now left with just bread, cheese, turkey, lettuce, and do you really need me to list the rest of the ingredients? You know what I'm left with. The cheese is starting to become a bit overpowering. Need some more tea.

Okay, this tea is disgusting. It is absolutely disgusting.

Bite 6: REMOVED THE CHEESE. It was dominating the sandwich. I'm also now experiencing some slight chest pains. I gotta get to halftime and chill out a little. I am amazed at how little lettuce is actually down my shirt.

Last bite.

HALFTIME!

All in all a pretty decent half. The first few bites were great, then the ratio of all the stuff started to dissipate, then I looked up the word dissipate to see if I used it correctly. (I didn't.)

Probably a good time to complain about something. That's normally what halftime's all about, right? So can we please talk about how few chips they put in a 99-cent bag?

Look at this crock!

I don't know why I felt the need to show a picture right there. You know how few chips come in a bag. You didn't need another photo featuring my soft, pink, sexy man hands. But it's just insulting. I'm not saying I want more chips in the bag (I mean, I obviously do), I just want Jim Herr to be honest with his consumers for once in his fat disgusting life. For the record, I'm pretty much full from that one half a sandwich. If I wasn't writing a review of this thing, I would totally wrap this baby up, eat this Tasty Klair and then go into a deep state of epileptic shock. But for the sake of The 700 Level, I will soldier on! Bring on half number two!

Okay hold on, before we get to half number two, I must say that I have completely finished my 12oz blackberry iced tea, and as I'm typing this, I'm now realizing that this is actually a 16oz iced tea. So this sandwich -- and it's three VERY THICK slices of bread -- is going to take up to 32oz of liquid to get down. Next week's post will most likely be about diabetes.

HALF NUMBER TWO

A co-worker just found me in my secret corner and yelled at me for scaring him. I tried to explain why I was sitting back here, but he pretty much zoned out while I was talking and then chastised me for not getting him a Tastykake too. He also happens to be the boss's son, so I probably should've gotten him one. Later I'm going to stick my empty sandwich wrapper in his bookbag.

Bite 1: LET'S GET RID OF THIS CHEESE. Total mistake to order this the Wawa way. After picking the cheese out, my turkey is flopping all around and I've lost some of my bacon. I tried to put it back on the sandwich, but then some tomato slipped out and now I'm scrambling to keep it all together. I've got no one to blame but myself. Also the meat kinda tastes like a refrigerator.

Bite 3: I am very, very tired of eating this sandwich.

Bite 5: Only a few bites left, but I am struggggggggllllliiiiinnnnngggggg. Thinkin' about going Kamikaze-style with the last few bites just to get this over with. There's so much bread.

Bite 8: One more bite, which is pretty much just toast with mayonnaise. There's a shaving of turkey on there, and maybe three shreds of lettuce, but do I really have to finish this? It's not even that big of a sandwich, but I had a giant bowl of oatmeal around an hour ago, and a pack of peanut butter crackers a little before that. That's not even true. I just wanted to impress you guys with my awesome eating ability. I'm so, so tired and so, so weak.

THE VERDICT

Overall this sandwich was exactly what you'd think it would be. It's sort of delicious and sort of just fine. Every element tastes like Wawa: the turkey, the bacon, the lettuce, the oh good God here we go again. Do I recommend it? Sure, why not. Will I get it again? Absolutely. It's like I always say: "I'll try anything four times."

Final Grades: Turkey Club Sandwich: B ... Chips: A (always) ... Blackberry Iced Tea: C- (but it's honestly fine) ... Iced Tea Lemonade: B ... Tasty-Klair: Unstoppable

[Related: Tastykakes, ranked]

If you want more Evster, check out his blog TV My Wife Watches. Or follow him on Twitter @TVMWW. Or go to the Wawa at 10th and Walnut and ask anyone if they've seen a scrawny Jewish guy taking pictures of pigeons. They'll point you in the right directsh. 

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