Sep 20, 2013, 7:15 AM EDT
According to a recent survey, research shows that 83% of NFL fans prefer to watch football games from the comfort of their own homes. Only 16% would rather view the game at a stadium while one person (me) prefers to watch while peering through a third story window outside of a Saint Joseph’s University sorority house. I’ll telling you man, you have not experienced true exhilaration until you’ve seen Shady McCoy break free into the secondary while you hang onto a tree branch from 35 feet up and pray that a young woman will remove her socks.
Despite my preferences, my wife and I bit the bullet last weekend and went down to the Linc for the home opener versus the Chargers. At the game, I enjoyed some of the many thrills that can only be experienced live and in person while also being reminded of why I hadn’t left my couch in roughly six years.
Below are just one guy’s opinions on the many pros and cons that come along with watching a game at the Linc.
Pro: Some Female Eagles Fans Are Wearing Some Really Short Shorts These Days
There have been a lot of amazing trends in the world of female fashion recently — from leggings to side boobs to convincing people that it’s socially acceptable to wear ballet flats everywhere — but in my opinion nothing compares to the shorts that basically show off the bottoms of women’s butts. While walking from the parking lot to our seats I must’ve seen at least seven or eight butts peeking out of women’s shorts which led me to almost walk into roughly seven or eight telephone poles. Unfortunately, the Eagles next home game is not until October 20th, so I guess bottom-butt-showing season is over, but for one sunny afternoon in early September it was a total butt-a-palooza down in South Philly.
Con: Lotsa Dudes with Missing Teeth
I don’t know if this is a thing these days, like if gangs are making their members pull out their own teeth for solidarity or something, but I saw at least four or five South Philly dudes who had legit teeth missing from their mouths. I’m talkin’ like, their incisors, gone, just gone, leaving a gaping hole in their mouths and fear in my heart. At one point, after a long completion to an Eagles tight end, one guy from my section who must’ve had three or four teeth TOTAL, stood up, smiled wide and pointed to the Celek nameplate on the back of his jersey while yelling, “Celekkkkkk!!!” And, lemme tell ya, no one — and I mean, no one — had the guts to tell him that it was actually Zach Ertz who had just made the reception. As the toothless wonder continued to grin ear to ear and actually point to where Celek had signed his jersey, I began to find him equal parts terrifying and adorable.
great, great shot by enrico
Pro: Seeing the Entire Field
This has always been the best thing about going to the game (well, besides the whole short shorts thing): being able to see the plays develop right in front of your eyes. Even the most ignorant fan can feel like a guru when he/she sees Desean Jackson streaking down the sidelines with his arm held high, only to have Michael Vick scrambling out of the pocket in the exact wrong direction. Then everyone gets to scream stuff like, “How did he not seeeeeeee him?” completely forgetting that while we kick back in the stands, Michael Vick has seven 250-pound defenders trying to rip his skull off.
Con: It is Nearly Impossible to Figure Out the Down and Distance
At the Linc, there is one shafty old-school Spectrum-esque scoreboard that always keeps the down and distance, but it’s located in a spot where no human being would ever look for it. However, there’s also a giant rectangular, ridiculously colorful screen that hangs above the sidelines, but whenever you actually look at it, it’s flashing something stupid like “TEXT 45674 TO SIGN UP FOR NFL MOBILE” or “DIETZ & WATSON HAM IS THE OFFICIAL HAM OF THE HAMGLES” or “OKAY, EVSTER, WE GET THE POINT.” Trying to keep track of the game flow was probably the most frustrating part of my experience, except for when I couldn’t pee during halftime because I thought an 8-year-old kid was staring at my dork.
Pro: Watching the Cars Go By on I-95
During a 3-hour NFL game, there is only about 1 minute and 47 seconds of actual game play. The rest of the time, the players are huddled up and catching their breath while fans are looking at their phones and trying to complete level 84 on Candy Crush Saga. But if you’re lucky enough to have a seat where you can see the highway, you can avoid this boredom by sitting back and watching the cars whiz by. I’ve never seen my wife so relaxed at a sporting event, just staring off into the Southwest corner like a newborn child. There’s a chance this was due to her mixing whiskey and percocets, but I think she just might be an in-the-closet gear head.
Con: That Stupid Axe-Grinding Music They Play After EVERY DOWN
Doesn’t matter if the Eagles picked up a first down or were called for seven consecutive holding penalties, the Linc’s speakers blast metal jams after every play in an attempt to PUMP YOU UP. At times it worked our section into such a frenzy that one lady started screaming at Lane Johnson to “SHOVE SOMEBODY IN THEIR FAT STUPID FACE.” Personally, I find it a bit much, but I’m also a person who owns around 35 different Sounds of the Oceans CDs. I don’t like the whale sounds, though. The whale sounds are scary.
Pro: The “Fly Eagles Fly” Song and “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” Chant
On it’s own, the Fly Eagles Fly song is one of the lamest non-Neil-Diamond-recorded singles in the history of music, but when sung by 68,000 maniacs after an Eagles score, it’s super fun. Throw in that “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” jawn at the end and you’ve got something SO MUCH BETTER than that stupid “J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! WHATEVER NEW YORKERS GET OVER YOURSELVES!” chant that is in no way similar to what we’re doing, nope, no way at all, completely different, ours is completely different.
Con: Everyone Just Constantly Yells
I totally forgot how loud people are at Eagles games. From pre-game tailgates to key third downs when the Eagles clearly aren’t getting off the field, every insane idiot in that stupid stadium is just always yelling all the time. I mean, I get it, I guess that the crowd really can have a negative effect on the opposition’s performance, but yo, can we all just calm down for like five quiet minutes? At one point during last week’s game, a dude with earrings in both of his ears turned around to me and yelled, “HOW THE EFF ARE WE LOSING, MAN?” to which I replied, “Hmmm, not really sure, maybe it’s because of the vast, chasmic hole in our secondary. Or could be the fact that the Chargers are currently 23 of 24 on third down conversions. But I’m not really sure. Maybe you should try to scream louder.” I mean, I obviously didn’t say that, I didn’t say anything. I just sorta shrugged and made a weird sound out of my nose, but he got the point. He totally got the point.
Pro: So Many Obscure Throwback Eagles Jerseys
I was pleasantly surprised to see so many Eric Allen jerseys being worn at the Linc. I’ve always thought that dude deserves more respect. Byron Evans, too. And Clyde Simmons. Also Riley Cooper sucks so much ass.
Con: Seeing People Ruin Their Perfectly Nice Jerseys by Having Their Own Names on the Back
Wearing a personalized jersey that has your own name on the back is just a total waste. I mean, this is your opportunity to escape your own pathetic life for a few hours and morph into any athlete you want to be! I own a COREY SIMON jersey (a TJ Maxx $5 special) and when I put that baby on, I feel like I could eat 6 whole cheeseburgers and not shit my pants. Turns out I can’t, but I FEEL like I can, and so can you. So “Big Ron” or “Dingledowski” or whatever you’re thinking of getting stitched on your back, ditch that idea and head over to TJ Maxx pronto.
I’m totally lying. I hate tailgating. I only put that up there so that all the 700 Level readers who just skim these posts wouldn’t get mad at me for leaving tailgating out and blast me in the comments section. I’ve never understood how it’s fun to stand in a parking lot for hours at a time, getting sunburnt and developing skin cancer while trying to catch a football and hold a chicken wing at the same time. But if you guys love it, God bless ya. Just promise to please wear sunscreen.
Con: Traffic, Man. Traffic.
The Pro of All Pros: Getting to Go Home
After a win, there is nothing better than walking down the ramp, high-fiving complete strangers and knowing that very soon you will be on your couch, passed out and drooling until the closing segment of 60 Minutes.
Follow the Evster @TVMWW.
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