Jan 3, 2014, 8:02 AM EDT
The name Drew is of Welsh origin meaning “wise” (seriously, I looked it up), so it’s only fitting that Drew Brees would grow up to be one of football’s all-time smartest quarterbacks.
Strong arm? Sure. Accurate? Absolutely. Lame haircut? You know it. But what sets Drew apart from the rest of his peers is his ability to break down defenses with his quick trigger decision-making. The former Academic All-American is an absolute savant between the hashmarks, BUT HE IS ALSO A TOTAL DORK.
In case you don’t remember from every 80′s sports movie you ever saw, smart people are nerds, and nerds get beat up when they try to play football. Drew Brees is no different — a scrawny, wispy-haired, delicate little man — and he is going to get annihilated at the Linc this Saturday night. Remember, this is a game made for meatheads, founded by greats like Mean Joe, Concrete Charlie and Ogre, so I fully expect DeMeco and company to get revenge on this nerd on Saturday night.
Unsurprisingly, the Brees Family dorkdom doesn’t start or stop with Drew. Brees’s father was named EUGENE and his uncle’s name was MARTY. (Granted, both of them were incredible athletes, but whatever. Also, for the record, the name Nick means “victory” while Foles loosely translates to “HORSED!CK”.) Even Drew Brees’s sons have stupid names: Baylen, Bowen and Callen.
BAYLEN, BOWEN and CALLEN.
Those are their actual names. Like, on their birth certificates and everything. Legitimate, human names. I’m not even joking.
Honestly, how can you be scared of a guy who gave his sons such ridiculous names? Baylen, Bowen and CALLEN? How do you even pronounce that? Is it Call-in? Like, “I’m callin’ into a call-in show”? Or is it Cal-lin, like Cal Ripken Junion? Or is is Kale-en, like that dude from The Bachelorette who arrived on a helicopter? Either way, none of those names even comes close to making sense. I guess, maybe Bowen does, mayyybeeeeee Bowen does, but still, stupid, stupid name. And we didn’t even talk about Baylen!
Everyone in this world is always complaining about global warming and Miley Cyrus and how difficult it is to find good potato salad, but what is wrong with this current generation of parents? What are they trying to prove? Whatever happened to the good ole days when parents gave their sons normal, masculine names like LeSean, Rocky or Chip?
I was at the playground with my little nephew the other day when I overheard some dad call out to his kid, “Amadeus! Amadeus! It’s time to go home!” and I was like, “What the WHAT?” and then his mother, who just so happened to be standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME, said (in the saddest and sorriest voice), “It’s Amadeus. My son’s name is Amadeus.”
It was so sad, because you could tell she was absolutely mortified. This poor, poor woman, who had bags under her eyes and a husband who wore pleated pants, somehow thought that it’d be a good idea to name her son Amadeus. Ugh. It had to be the father’s idea. His pants were so pleated. And his kid couldn’t play tetherball for shit.
Obviously Drew Brees’s’ss’s’s’s kids are going to be dope at tetherball. They’re destined to become wonderful athletes — and will probably date super hot chicks (or dudes) because of it — but they still won’t be able to find personalized license plates when they stop at gift shops on the New Jersey Turnpike.
And that’s just sad.
You know for as smart as a guy as Drew Brees pretends to be, maybe he should’ve used a little common sense when naming his kids. Also, his last name is totally spelled wrong.
I have no idea what the point of this article is.
Prediction: Eagles 74, Saints 5
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