Dec 20, 2013, 8:02 AM EDT
When I say, “KILL!” you say, “BEARS!”
Welllllllllllll, I sort of really like bears. Both the animal and the football team. They’re so furry and cuddly, and have never changed their helmets, and even though Philly fans are supposed to be the ANGRIEST fans around, it’s kinda hard to hate a city where there’s so much encased meat.
Truth is, Chicago is a pretty cool place with a pretty lovable football team. From Ferris Bueller and deep dish pizza to the Superbowl Shuffle and my main man Dick Butkus, the Windy City is my kinda town. I know, I know, Oprah Winfrey’s a B, but the ’86 Bears got Buddy Ryan a ring.
But this is Philadelphia! And we’re supposed to hate stuff! I guess we could make fun of Jay Cutler? but he’s low hanging fruit. His fat, stupid face is too easy a target. There’s gotta be some other Bears who deserve to be drilled with a Duracell.
Well have no fear, fellow sociopaths! I have figured it out! After doing some online research, I have dug up enough dirt on this year’s Bears to put the ’93 Cowboys to shame. The current Bears roster is LOADED with jerkoffs, and the biggest jerkoff around (me!) is here to convince you to hate ‘em.
So sit back, relax, and get to know this Sunday’s victims — a bunch of dirty Midwestern scumbags who are gonna get BONED!
Are you ready for this? Butthead safety Chris Conte’s grandfather, Richard Conte, was an actor in The Godfather! Oh my God what a dork! Who would ever want to… wait, that’s actually pretty cool. I mean, that’s really cool. The guy was in The Godfather. Maybe the greatest movie of all time. I can’t hate someone who was in The Godfather. Yentl, maybe, but not The Godfather.
Conte’s grandfather played Don Barzini, the guy who killed Sonny! and even though he was a major villain in the movie, he was still in the movie! Much cooler than anything my grandfather ever did. My grandfather was best known for having completely hairless shins. The rest of his body? COVERED in hair. But below his knees, dude was as bald as a goose. RIP Grandpa, you lotion-loving son of a bitch.
Let’s move on!
And are geese even bald?
According to Wikipedia, before Devin Hester was a teenager, his mother was severely injured in a car accident and then his father died of cancer. OMG that’s horrible! Devin then went into a deep depression until he was introduced to football, which lifted his spirits and ultimately helped him get his life back together. He later went on to earn a scholarship to Miami, became the game’s greatest return man, and for some stupid reason has not yet been featured in an ESPN 30 for 30. It’s no wonder why he’s one of Chicago’s most popular athletes. The guy is like 5 foot 2! AND HE’S ADORBS.
This past summer, Devin raced a live cheetah during a National Geographic television special. Take a second to read that last sentence again: the guy raced A LIVE CHEETAH during a National Geographic television special. You can watch the video here, and even though I have no idea what was going on during the race (it was really more of a shuttle run), the sheer fact that Devin agreed to do it shows what a sweet guy he is.
This is not going well!
Not going well at all!
Onto the next jerk!
Brandon Marshall. Oh this should be good, this should be real good. This guy’s got a rap sheet longer than the Mississippi Riv. Okay, turns out that Brandon suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, a very serious and complex mental disorder that can stem from being neglected, abused or even abandoned as a child. OH C’MON! Marshall says he has been troubled with symptoms his entire adult life, but only recently has he learned to effectively deal with his emotions. Other folks who have been diagnosed with BPD include Mike Tyson, Darth Vader and my next-door neighbor Donald, who as I type this is attempting to eat my mailbox.
Geez Louize, isn’t there anyone on this team worth hating?!
Even their coach, Marc Trestman, has a rags to riches story. He started off as a volunteer assistant at the University of Miami, bounced around football for over 30 years (while getting a law degree along the way) and most recently coached in the CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE before getting his shot as an NFL head coach.
NO ONE’S IMPRESSED WITH YOUR UNDENIABLE WORK ETHIC.
GET OVER YOURSELF.
Ugh, who am I kidding? I love Da Bears. Soldier Field is amazing. Neal Anderson’s mouthpiece was enormous. THEY EVEN HAVE A JEWISH PUNTER. And have you ever had Garrett’s popcorn?! We haven’t even brought up Bill Murray yet!!!
I guess all we can ask for this Sunday night is a hard-fought game (but not too hard!) filled with kindhearted sportsmanship. No personal fouls, no sad game-ending missed field goals, and please, PLEASE, let’s not see anyone leap up for a pass and tear both their ACLs. I think I’m hoping for a 16-16 tie, with a Dallas loss coming earlier in the day. If the Eagles win, I hope Brandon Marshall’s okay. He’s very, very fragile. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Jay Cutler end up with some sort of brain injury or suffer massive internal bleeding.
Follow The Evster @TVMWW.
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