Jan 31, 2014, 8:11 AM EDT
This year, Demaryious Thomas led the Broncos with 92 catches for 1,430 yards and 14 touchdowns, but do you know how many punts he had land inside the 20? ZERO. In the NFC Championship game, Russell Wilson threw a go-ahead 4th-quarter touchdown, but where was he when the Seahawks were forced to punt on 4th and 1 from their own 25? HOLDIN’ A CLIPBOARD. The media can analyze Peyton’s play-calling all week long, but who’s gonna pooch that baby into Coffin Corner when it’s time to pin the Seahawks deep? NOT ELVIS DUMERVIL, THAT’S FO SHO. Mainly because he doesn’t play for the Broncos anymore, but whatever.
In the past 25 Super Bowls, the team whose punter had a higher punting average has won EVERY SINGLE TIME. Now granted, there is no validity to that statement whatsoever. None. I totally made it up. But the fact remains that punters are hilarious, so let’s get to know this year’s Big Game Blasters.
This is Seahawks punter, Jon Ryan. A simple man with a simple name. Jon grew up in Regina, Saskatchewan (that’s in Canada!) where he learned to punt by playing football, and practicing punting, and I dunno, what’d you expect for him to grow up kicking moose? After starring at THE U(niversity of Regina), Jon was selected by the Winnipeg Blue Bombers in the third-round of the 2004 CFL draft. In Winnipeg, he averaged 50.6 yards per punt, that’s FIVE OH POINT SIX (a stat I did NOT make up!), which propelled Jon and his enormous neck to later sign with the Green Bay Packers. Two years later, he ended up in Seattle where he and his neck are currently thriving. Seriously, look at that thing. Very little razor burn for a man with such fair skin. The man has the neck of a rhinoceros. I don’t know if rhinoceroses are native to Canada, but I’d bet my house on the fact that Jon is at least part rhino. I also do not own a house. Nor do I know exactly what a rhinoceros looks like.
This is Broncos punter, Britton Colquitt — yep, Britton — posing with his gorgeous family. Besides being married to a model (who he has impregnated TWICE), Britton is the highest paid punter in the NFL. A native of Knoxville, Britton earned a scholarship to the University of Tennessee where he was later kicked off the team after being charged with DUI and fleeing the scene of an accident. Even though both Britton and his wife are excellent squatters, I think they’re only doing it so they don’t get grass stains on their fancy designer jeans. Regardless, I imagine her hair smells fantastic.
This is what Jon Ryan used to look like. Obviously a little ridiculous (but still awesome). I’ll let you decide as to whether or not this guy could eat a whole box of waffles.
This is what Britton used to look like. Bowl Cut City. He’s the one on the right, giving his brother Dustin the world’s lamest Heimlich maneuver. (For the record, I just googled “Heimlich” to see if I spelled it correctly and found out that the Heimlich was invented by a guy named HARRY HEIMLICH! Again, not making that up!)
Dustin Colquitt is also an NFL punter, for the Kansas City Chiefs. In fact, the Colquitts belong to a punting dynasty. Britton’s father Craig — the guy who named his son Britton — won two Super Bowls in the 70′s punting for the Steelers. His Uncle Jimmy (who doesn’t have an Uncle Jimmy?!) punted for the Seahawks in 1985, and his younger cousin Greg currently punts at Tennessee Tech. Also, Britton’s mother Ann is a fantastic seamstress.
She even has one blue sleeve and one red one.
That’s pretty impressive.
This past October, Jon-Jon got absolutely blasted by a dude on the Colts while attempting to make a touchdown-saving tackle. I sort of don’t like gif’s, they make me dizzy, but I cannot stop watching this one. He seriously keeps getting blasted. In real life, he only got blasted once, but here, he just keeps getting blasted and blasted and blasted.
Like even now, even though I started a new paragraph, he’s still getting blasted.
This is honestly sad.
Let’s move further down the page so we don’t have to keep watching Jon get blasted.
This might be even harder to look at.
A photo of Britton having his face caressed by his beautiful fertile wife. I cannot believe how sensual she is. Like a young Juan Pablo. I’m about to barf all over the place.
Amazingly, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Check this out:
OH MY GOD HERE COMES THE BARF.
So many Dockers!
These are real people. Real khaki pants-wearing, linen clothes-having people. And they actually own this clothing! Like, they purchased it! With money!
Also, that kinda looks like Jon Ryan standing next to Britton — only like a miniature version of him. By the way, here are the official Evster Hershey’s Miniature rankings: 1) Krackel, obvs 2) Mr. G-bar 3) Hershey’s origj 4) Special Dark (also obvs).
In Jon’s spare time, he volunteers at his local Starbucks. This picture was taken as part of fundraiser to support A Better Seattle, a program set up to help at-risk youth. Personally, I think Starbucks and their $17 coffees are ridiculous, and it doesn’t matter how at-risk kids are, I’m not spending my hard-earned money on a cup of warm milk.
Seriously, there could be children hanging off the Space Needle, with killer fish from Pike Place Market being thrown in their faces, and I still would not buy a Starbucks vanilla soy latte. Then again, Starbucks does have some pretty good scones — and I think I still have some money left on a gift card I got this winter — so I might head down there as soon as I’m done writing this.
I mean, this seems like a good time to end this post anyway. By now you have to know who you’re rooting for this Sunday.
No big deal, just a guy dressed up like the Big Unit.
Just squashing a dude’s vertebrae.
Prediction: Jon-Jon’s Seahawks 52, Brittony’s Broncos 9
Follow The Evster @TVMWW
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