Nov 22, 2013, 7:15 AM EDT
On Thanksgiving day, idiots all across America will lube up with Ben Gay and attempt to play some sort of game that kind of resembles football. Most games will be intense, some will be a nightmare, all will feature at least one dickhead who insists on punting the ball during warmups. I’ve never understood why people do this. Just throw the stupid ball back to the human being it came from, and then repeat this over and over again. No one is impressed by your ability to kick a football in the complete opposite direction you want it to go. You literally have no control of your feet. Everybody hates you.
Still, the rest of football is fun, which is why every year you strap on that long underwear and lace up the old Diadoras. And that’s fine, that’s perfectly fine, but remember, you’re not a teenager anymore. You’re probably not even a 20-something anymore. There’s a chance that if you’re reading this, that you are the oldest, fattest person on the entire planet. I honestly can’t believe you know how to use a computer. So be careful out there, old fella, and be sure to follow The Evster’s Tips for Having a Nice Time While Playing Football on Thanksgiving.
Tip #1: Just Stay Home - You’re going to kill yourself. Or at the very least, tear your Achilles tendon right off the bone. Let’s be honest, you are in no condition to do anything, let alone run around with a bunch of men whose definition of “bump and run” coverage is kicking you in the shins. But then again, you are a stubborn jackass, and no one can tell you what to do. So if you’re gonna play (and you’re obviously gonna play) just make sure you get there early and …
Tip #2: Stretch - When you first show up to the field, you’re gonna see a bunch of your old friends (a few of them smoking cigarettes) who you’re going to wanna yuck it up with. You’ll say what’s up, give ‘em some dap and then someone’s gonna throw a football at your chest and say something like, “Hey let’s throw a football!” and you’re gonna get all excited and run around like a dipshit and then before you know it the game’s gonna start without you getting to properly loosen up. THIS IS VERY, VERY DANGEROUS. You neeeeeeeed to stretch. I know it’s lame, and yeah, you’ll look like a total dufus doing it, but not nearly as big of a dufus as the guy who will have to limp around the dinner table four hours later.
Do every stretch you’ve ever learned. Right over left, left over right. Lay down on your back and WORK THOSE HAMMIES. Don’t forget about the butterfly jawn. That one is classic. Remember, you are not Edgerrin James. You have never been Edgerrin James. Edgerrin James has had sex with more people than all of your friends combined. This is a FACT.
Tip #3: Don’t Wear Any of Your Dope Jerseys - I don’t care if you just found your old Deion Sanders Falcons jawn, do not wear it. Every year, some butthead shows up in an amazing jersey and gets it ripped by some scumbag who is too lazy to move his feet after getting burnt on an out-and-up. (By the way, there is no better pattern to burn someone on than the out-and-up. Especially if you’re wearing cleats and your defender is not. Another tip: WEAR CLEATS.) Then the guy who gets his jersey ripped always whines like, “Duuuuuude! You ripped my jersey!” and everyone else is all, “Calmmmmm downnnnnn. It’s just a stupid jersey,” when secretly everyone loves jerseys and would be super pissed if they got theirs ripped, too.
Instead, wear an ugly shirt you don’t care about, like that one you bought from ZooWithRoy.com. Or just play bare chested and freak everyone out. (Note: if you do this, make sure to wear extra Ben Gay. This will not only make you more slippery and harder to tackle, but no one will want to touch you for fear of smelling like your dead grandfather.)
Tip #4: Carry a Knife - Always worth having. Both to cut off those dangling threads from your shirt and also to stab another man in his chest.
Tip #5: Line Up Opposite to Your Fattest, Laziest Friend - Make a deal with your buddy to take every third play off and then HONOR THAT DEAL. It will be the greatest arrangement you’ve ever made in your life. Not sure if you’re aware of this, but going out for a pass on every single play is EXHAUSTING. Desean Jackson is in incredible shape. You have trouble putting your socks on.
By making this pact, you and your friend can just jog around all afternoon while cracking jokes and pretending to give a shit when really you’re just trying to get to dinner without dislocating your hip. The only problem is that inevitably your friend is going to play possum and try to blow by you at the line of scrimmage, which is when you should take out your knife and shank him in the ribs.
Tip #6: No Quarterback Scrambling - This is the worst: Quarterbacks who take forever, almost like they’re just waiting for someone to count to seven Mississippi, before they can take off down the sidelines. It’s like, yeah, of course you’re gonna pick up the first, everyone else is 35 yards downfield, dry-heaving over a trashcan. Just throw the ball off your back foot like Eli Manning. Or just throw it in a trashcan. That’s always hilarious.
Tip #7: Don’t Do Anything - Honestly, nothing matters. Nobody’s impressed by the guy who eats yogurt and dominates Thanksgiving football. There won’t be any girls watching, or scouts on the sidelines, and there’s really no reason to do anything at all. This is sort of my entire philosophy on life. I mean, why the freak should you ever do stuff? This Thanksgiving, just enjoy the fresh air. Maybe you’ll catch a touchdown, maybe you’ll see a few squirrels, maybe you won’t get diarrhea from eating Wendy’s the night before. That’s really all that matters. Not getting diarrhea. Good luck to you.
Follow the Evster @TVMWW.
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