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The Evster’s tips for having a nice time while playing football on Thanksgiving

Nov 22, 2013, 7:15 AM EDT

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On Thanksgiving day, idiots all across America will lube up with Ben Gay and attempt to play some sort of game that kind of resembles football. Most games will be intense, some will be a nightmare, all will feature at least one dickhead who insists on punting the ball during warmups. I’ve never understood why people do this. Just throw the stupid ball back to the human being it came from, and then repeat this over and over again. No one is impressed by your ability to kick a football in the complete opposite direction you want it to go. You literally have no control of your feet. Everybody hates you.

Still, the rest of football is fun, which is why every year you strap on that long underwear and lace up the old Diadoras. And that’s fine, that’s perfectly fine, but remember, you’re not a teenager anymore. You’re probably not even a 20-something anymore. There’s a chance that if you’re reading this, that you are the oldest, fattest person on the entire planet. I honestly can’t believe you know how to use a computer. So be careful out there, old fella, and be sure to follow The Evster’s Tips for Having a Nice Time While Playing Football on Thanksgiving.

Tip #1: Just Stay Home - You’re going to kill yourself. Or at the very least, tear your Achilles tendon right off the bone. Let’s be honest, you are in no condition to do anything, let alone run around with a bunch of men whose definition of “bump and run” coverage is kicking you in the shins. But then again, you are a stubborn jackass, and no one can tell you what to do. So if you’re gonna play (and you’re obviously gonna play) just make sure you get there early and …

Tip #2: Stretch - When you first show up to the field, you’re gonna see a bunch of your old friends (a few of them smoking cigarettes) who you’re going to wanna yuck it up with. You’ll say what’s up, give ‘em some dap and then someone’s gonna throw a football at your chest and say something like, “Hey let’s throw a football!” and you’re gonna get all excited and run around like a dipshit and then before you know it the game’s gonna start without you getting to properly loosen up. THIS IS VERY, VERY DANGEROUS. You neeeeeeeed to stretch. I know it’s lame, and yeah, you’ll look like a total dufus doing it, but not nearly as big of a dufus as the guy who will have to limp around the dinner table four hours later.

source:  Do every stretch you’ve ever learned. Right over left, left over right. Lay down on your back and WORK THOSE HAMMIES. Don’t forget about the butterfly jawn. That one is classic. Remember, you are not Edgerrin James. You have never been Edgerrin James. Edgerrin James has had sex with more people than all of your friends combined. This is a FACT.

Tip #3: Don’t Wear Any of Your Dope Jerseys - I don’t care if you just found your old Deion Sanders Falcons jawn, do not wear it. Every year, some butthead shows up in an amazing jersey and gets it ripped by some scumbag who is too lazy to move his feet after getting burnt on an out-and-up. (By the way, there is no better pattern to burn someone on than the out-and-up. Especially if you’re wearing cleats and your defender is not. Another tip: WEAR CLEATS.) Then the guy who gets his jersey ripped always whines like, “Duuuuuude! You ripped my jersey!” and everyone else is all, “Calmmmmm downnnnnn. It’s just a stupid jersey,” when secretly everyone loves jerseys and would be super pissed if they got theirs ripped, too.

Instead, wear an ugly shirt you don’t care about, like that one you bought from ZooWithRoy.com. Or just play bare chested and freak everyone out. (Note: if you do this, make sure to wear extra Ben Gay. This will not only make you more slippery and harder to tackle, but no one will want to touch you for fear of smelling like your dead grandfather.)

Tip #4: Carry a Knife - Always worth having. Both to cut off those dangling threads from your shirt and also to stab another man in his chest.

Tip #5: Line Up Opposite to Your Fattest, Laziest Friend - Make a deal with your buddy to take every third play off and then HONOR THAT DEAL. It will be the greatest arrangement you’ve ever made in your life. Not sure if you’re aware of this, but going out for a pass on every single play is EXHAUSTING. Desean Jackson is in incredible shape. You have trouble putting your socks on.

By making this pact, you and your friend can just jog around all afternoon while cracking jokes and pretending to give a shit when really you’re just trying to get to dinner without dislocating your hip. The only problem is that inevitably your friend is going to play possum and try to blow by you at the line of scrimmage, which is when you should take out your knife and shank him in the ribs.

Tip #6: No Quarterback Scrambling - This is the worst: Quarterbacks who take forever, almost like they’re just waiting for someone to count to seven Mississippi, before they can take off down the sidelines. It’s like, yeah, of course you’re gonna pick up the first, everyone else is 35 yards downfield, dry-heaving over a trashcan. Just throw the ball off your back foot like Eli Manning. Or just throw it in a trashcan. That’s always hilarious.

Tip #7: Don’t Do Anything - Honestly, nothing matters. Nobody’s impressed by the guy who eats yogurt and dominates Thanksgiving football. There won’t be any girls watching, or scouts on the sidelines, and there’s really no reason to do anything at all. This is sort of my entire philosophy on life. I mean, why the freak should you ever do stuff? This Thanksgiving, just enjoy the fresh air. Maybe you’ll catch a touchdown, maybe you’ll see a few squirrels, maybe you won’t get diarrhea from eating Wendy’s the night before. That’s really all that matters. Not getting diarrhea. Good luck to you.

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  1. Chutley - Nov 22, 2013 at 7:23 AM

    I actually have an Edgerrin James jersey than I do in fact wear on Thanksgiving football games. this just got weird

    Reply
    • dat guy - Nov 25, 2013 at 11:37 AM

      hahahah same

      Reply
  2. Rev215 - Nov 22, 2013 at 7:31 AM

    You forgot about the guy who brings his cousin from Milwaukee who just happened to play D-II football and runs marathons for fun. He’s so fit that you cannot even catch up with him to stab him in the chest with your knife. I hate that guy.

    Reply
  3. Scott B - Nov 22, 2013 at 9:13 AM

    Laughed at the QB comment but not so much about him wanting to scramble how long some take to throw the ball.

    If he takes longer than 5 seconds and god forbid its 10 seconds, both teams realize they just look like idiots running around for no reason, you’re winded and at that point you just give up on the play. Good stuff.

    And yea, we switched to softball a few years back. Everyone got old and dependent on needing their limbs for work, which pay the bills.

    Reply
  4. Turbo - Nov 22, 2013 at 9:27 AM

    How about when you’re playing two hand touch and there is that one dude who always claims “you only tagged me with one hand” and keeps on running/juking. This is generally the same guy who is always looking to lateral it before he gets tackled.

    Reply
  5. willh888 - Nov 22, 2013 at 10:00 AM

    Then we argue about cones for 14 minutes. And there’s that guy who brings his girlfriend and she sits indian style waiting for you go deep every single play because you dont want her to see you get shalacked. This gives guys a chance to wear those nuemanns your pops got you in 97. Cleants, oh hell no. There’s always 3 or 4 wangers who wear their soccer cleats and the rest of us are slidin around like harsty. Then there’s the short guy who hustles everywheeeere. Give it a rest reno.

    Reply
  6. Rich Kotite Sucks at Life - Nov 22, 2013 at 10:21 AM

    I enjoy drinking beer and smoking cigarettes on the sideline. It’s all about just getting away from the in laws for a few hours. Why even bother saying come over around 2, when you show up at 11:30 am. I hate you.

    @willh888 is dead on with the short guy aka reno trying to hustle all over the place in his new cleats he had to get for the big game on thanksgiving. Easy big fella….coach won’t be impressed so you get more playing time.

    Reply
  7. will - Nov 22, 2013 at 1:02 PM

    can we get more posts from the evster please. thanks.

    Reply
    • Rich Kotite Sucks at Life - Nov 22, 2013 at 3:10 PM

      Lets start with more posts on the site first. Just because the Eagles are on bye doesn’t mean Enrico and Kulp can slack off all day. It’s after 3pm…..write something up.

      Reply
  8. 2sentz - Nov 22, 2013 at 1:21 PM

    Corollary to the “you got me with one hand” douche is the uber-douche who tackles hard in a touch game because he’s frustrated he can’t catch up to anybody. Then you spend the whole game waiting for that exact moment where he comes across the middle so you can Andre waters his ass. But it never comes and you have to shake his hand after its over, waiting another year to exact merciless revenge.

    Wait did I say that out loud? Homeowners ins carrier won’t be happy.

    Reply
  9. Kwame'sAssGroove - Nov 22, 2013 at 3:55 PM

    How about the guy who refers to beers as “sodas” and burns up his entire family plan between halves, browsing Yelp for his night-after-Thanksgiving plans?

    “Not TRYYYNA go to Manayunk again this year. Well, I mean, I guess we could go to Manayunk. Just lookin’ to get rowdy.”

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 22, 2013 at 4:32 PM

      THIS IS MY FAVOURITE COMMENT EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

      Reply

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