Jun 28, 2013, 12:26 PM EDT
Little known fact: every blog post on this website must be about Philadelphia. I once failed to mention Thaddeus Young in a post about who has the smoothest calves in the NBA (it’s Udonis Haslem) and Enrico banned me from the site for three months. I wasn’t even sure what he meant — was I banned from writing? banned from reading? — I think he just wanted to ban someone. It’s amazing what a little power can do to a person. So in order to keep everything copacetic with my dictator boss (HAIL ENRICO), I’ve decided to take a look at the 12 other teams who picked in last night’s lottery and determine whether or not they’ll have more ping pong balls than us next year.
Cliff’s Notes version: NO ONE WILL HAVE MORE PING PONG BALLS THAN US NEXT YEAR
On a night filled with great uncertainty, you gotta hand it to the Cavs for taking a guy who no one has ever seen play basketball. Sure, NBA experts will tell you about his ability to create his own shot and his NBA-READY SMOOTH CHOCOLATEY SHOULDERS, but they simply watched the same three-minute YouTube mix that you did. Three weeks ago, no one even knew that UNLV still had a basketball program. But after they saw Bennett’s monster dunks and gigantic butt set to HOT RHYMES AND SWIFT BEATS, why not take him at #1? Personally, I love the pick, love his butt and thought JR Rider was the greatest player of our generation.
Are the Cavs better than the Sixers? They have Kyrie Irving.
2. Orlando – Victor Oladipo, G, Indiana
Tremendous athlete, hard worker, high flyer, just not that good at basketball. Don’t get me wrong, you’ll love watching Victor finish on the break (in the Rookie Game), it’s just the whole dribbling, passing, shooting thing he’s not that great at. Still, when you’re building a team around Nik Vucevic and Tobias Harris, you want to get the guy who has the most potential to dunk a basketball with his mouth. And I think Magic got their man here. He’ll be a mega fan favorite in Orlando for the simple reason that people who live in Florida are complete and total lunatics.
Are the Magic better than the Sixers? Probably.
3. Washington – Otto Porter Jr., F, Georgetown
This pick will work out for the Wizards only if they give their 12th and final roster spot to Otto Porter Sr. Think about it: late in the 4th Quarter, Wizards down 15 at home, fans starting to grumble and pack up their things, when Head Coach Randy Wittman points down the bench for Otto Sr — or “Pops’o” as his teammates call him — to check in. Pops’o rises slowly, unbuttons his warm-ups, takes them off and folds them neatly on his chair, a buzz fills the arena, and the Wizards spend the final three minutes trying to run Pops’o off downscreens to get him an open jumper. The Wizards could even offer a free bag of popcorn to every ticket holder when Pops’o scores. This is a brilliant marketing maneuver that has zero chance of failure. Think about how excited you get for the Sixers to hit the century-mark and earn you that disgusting/amazing Big Mac that you never end up redeeming. Now think about what a 55-year-old would look like draining a jumper in Evan Turner’s eye. Thank you.
Are the Wizards better than the Sixers? Yes, they have John Wall and he’s the greatest player I’ve ever seen. Watch his top ten plays from last year and try to tell me otherwise.
TRY TO TELL ME OTHERWISE.
4. Charlotte – Cody Zeller, F, Indiana
Thank GAWD the Sixers didn’t get him.
Are the Bobcats better than the Sixers? No.
5. Phoenix – Alex Len, F/C, Maryland
TV show pitch for NBATV: Phoenix Suns reality show called “Phoenix Sons.” Alex Len (Ukraine), Marcin Gortat (Poland), Luis Scola (Argentina), Goran Dragic (Slovenia), Michael Beasley (Neptune) and the Morris Bros (Illadelph) travel around the country trying to impregnate as many women as possible. The winner gets a new Subaru.
Also, how ’bout the fact that the Suns are coached by our old pal Jeff Hornacek?!?! And how ’bout the fact that old Horny made the most shocking move of anyone before the draft by getting a semi-decent haircut?!?!
Are the Suns better than the Sixers? Jeff Hornacek is better than the Sixers.
6. Philadelphia – Nerlens Noel, F/C, Kentucky
Besides the hair, the mega-rams and the fact that Nerlens will SHOVE A BASKETBALL DOWN YOUR STUPID THROAT, here’s another reason why this was a fantastic pick for the Sixers: THIS GUY WILL SHOVE A BASKETBALL DOWN YOUR STUPID THROAT. He’s an old fashioned high flying mega ram jam throat stuffer, which is something the Sixers have been sorely lacking ever since Sharone Wright died when he accidentally shoved a basketball down his own stupid throat.
Also, yeah, Jrue Holiday was good, he was fine, but he is the TENTH best point guard in the ligg behind CP3, Rondo, Tony Parker, D-Will, Derrick Rose, Russel Westbreezy, Steph, Uncle Drew and Damien Lillard. Nerlens on the other hand is already the best center in the East even though he has pretty much no offensive skills whatsoever.
Are the Pelicans better than the Sixers? Who cares look how amazing this hat is.
7. Sacramento – Ben McLemore, G, Kansas
“Two-dribble max guy” according to Jay Bilas, which for those of you who haven’t quite wrapped your head around that phrase, means that Ben McLemore is only capable of dribbling a basketball twice before he has to stop dribbling.
Are the Kings better than the Sixers? The Kings are absolutely terrible. But yeah, they’re prolly better than the Sixers.
8. Detroit – Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, G, Georgia
Doesn’t matter. The Pistons selected Peyton Siva with their second round pick, who if you’ve ever seen PLAY BASKETBALL, is every bit as good as all of these dudes in the lottery. Siva only led his team to THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP in a tournament in which HE PLAYED BASKETBALL MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE.
Are the Pistons better than the Sixers? Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?
(That means yes. The answer is yes.)
9. Utah – Trey Burke, G, Michigan
Poor Trey. Wooden and Naismith player of the year, led his team to the NCAA Final, and now he has to live in Utah. I guess if there’s a silver lining to living in Snoozeville, USA, Trey will get to make millions of dollars playing a game where he tries to take a round orange bouncey thing and put it in a hoop.
Are the Jazz better than the Sixers? Yeah, the Jazz are better than the Sixers.
10. Portland – CJ McCollum, G, Lehigh
Whatever, I’m over him.
Are the Blazers better than the Sixers? Obvs, and also I saw a guy in Fairmount Park last weekend selling bean pies in a Sebastian Telfair Blazers jersey and I can’t believe I didn’t snap his picture I’m so sorry everybody I’ve let you down I’m so very very sorry.
11. Philadelphia – Michael Carter-Williams, G, Syracuse
This guy stinks. Saw him play countless times at Syracuse and not once did he ever take over a game like a LOTTERY PICK SHOULD. “But Ev, he’s got good size for a PG and great court vision!” Yeah? Then why did Utah and Portland, two teams who also took point guards, pass on him in favor of Burke and McCollum? He’s a poor man’s Shaun Livington, who’s not even good, also look at this picture from his Twitter page.
12. Oklahoma City – Steven Adams, C, Pitt
Because 7-foot white guys from New Zealand always pan out well in the NBA.
Are the Thunder better than the Sixers? Good time to talk about Shane Battier’s television debut: Terrible. He pretty much only had two questions in his arsenal: “Talk about how much ______ influenced you,” and “Who are you most looking forward to playing against?” And only one of those were actual questions. Still, I much preferred him to Stuart Scott who I sort of hope dies?
13. Boston – Kelly Olynyk, F/C, Gonzaga
I can’t wait ’til Nerlens shoves a basketball down this guy’s throat.
Are the Celtics better than the Sixers? Kris Humphries!
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