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Halloween candy, ranked

Oct 31, 2013, 10:02 AM EDT

source:

In sadly predictable fashion, my usual area of expertise — the Philadelphia Union — spent the last two weeks of the season totally imploding when they had their playoff destiny all to themselves. The MLS playoffs kicked off Wednesday night without the Union (you’re going to cringe when I say this, but I’m predicting the New York Red Bulls will beat the Galaxy for their first-ever title). This means the 2012 Sixers are still the city’s most recent playoff team (although this year’s Sixers are going 82-0 now, so we have that to look forward to).

We’ll get to the Union’s offseason needs (many), plans (who the heck knows with this team) and dreams in the weeks to come.

But with today being Halloween, and in deference to Enrico’s Pulitzer Prize-nominated post from earlier this month — Tastykakes, ranked — I offer the Top 5 Halloween Candies for your perusal, ridicule and praise. If the NSA is reading this (and I know you are), just turn this into a law and demand that everyone MUST hand out one or more of the Top 5 items to qualify for Obamacare.

A few rules:

  • We’re sticking to so-called “fun sized” candy. Of course, all rules below go out the window when Mrs. Freeman up the street gives out full-size Snickers.
  • We’re ignoring people who try to give out “alternative” options like apples, toothbrushes and Goldfish (the cracker, not the animal). Because, really, those people don’t deserve to be mentioned on a fine website like this.
  • Please show some effort if you want candy. You can trick-or-treat past the age of 12. But holding your phone in front of your face and calling yourself an “obnoxious teenager” doesn’t qualify as a costume. I’m a dad now who made a homemade costume this year. And I’ve never been a Halloween person. So the least you can do is show some initiative.

Now, onto the important stuff. We’ll go from the bottom up.

154. Candy Corn

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? That ish is gross.

98. Starburstsource:

I love Starburst. I do. I pick up a pack quite often on an impulse run through the Wawa. But the little Halloween packs are horrendous. First, there’s only two pieces in each pack. Second, there’s always the chance you’ll get two yellows or two oranges and then you’ll want to stab someone with your plastic trident. Third, if you don’t eat them on the walk to the next house, you’ll open them later to find them stale enough to rip your teeth out.

87. Smarties

Another candy I like at times. But come on, lady at the top of the hill, you have 54 steps to reach the front door. Show some damn effort.

source:  32. M&Ms*

Again, a quality candy. But totally disappointing in the fun size packs. This is also what my wife bought for us to hand out, so you might want to skip our house (*NOTE: If they make the Pretzel M&Ms in a fun size and you find them, put up the bat signal and I’ll be over right away. Those things are the No. 1 jawn).

… Now, for the good stuff …

6. Nerds

Totally underrated, and just missing out on the Top 5. Lots of candy in a little box. Plus you get to tip it back and dump it in your mouth LIKE A BOSS. Don’t sleep on the Nerds.

5. Skittlessource:

The only non-chocolate item in the top 5. Who doesn’t love Skittles? They’re sweet, they’re delicious and they provide a nice changeup from the chocolate-heavy pillowcase/bag/basket/oversized hoodie you’re toting around the neighborhood. All the flavors are equally excellent, which is not something I can say about my beloved Sweettarts which have been ruined ever since the green ones went from lime to sour apple because it poisons the whole pack and makes every single one taste like freaking sour apple which is horrendous WHY DID YOU DO THIS!?!?

source:  4. Milky Way

Often forgotten in the world of Snickers and Reese Cups, I prefer the caramel/nougat combo over bars with peanuts or peanut butter. Why? No, I’m not allergic to peanuts. I love peanut butter. I love chocolate. But I’m THAT GUY who absolutely, positively despises peanut butter and chocolate together (I assume Obama and the NSA are coming to get me now).

3. 3 Musketeerssource:

My second-favorite childhood candy of all time (see Sweettart rant above) is a Halloween staple. It’s underrated in the candy world, getting pushed aside by Snickers (eww) and Milky Way. A solid two bites in every fun size bar, and even better if you freeze it and then throw it against the concrete before enjoying. Plus, how do they make that awesome fluffy filling? Really, I want to learn.

source:  2. Twix

They’re chocolaty, crunchy, caramel-y. They’re delicious. Maybe it’s just the crunch — which forces a more active eating experience — but you feel like you get a lot more for your doorbell-ringing effort. Enough chews to savor it before digging back in the bag for more. The only way this could be better is if they brought back the old Cookies N’ Cream variety from back in the day (seriously, there’s a real petition — just digi-sign it). Oh, nostalgia.

1. Kit-Katsource:

The best chocolate candy money can buy. The right amount of crunch mixed with a perfect amount of sweet. Just melty enough to get on your fingers but not melty enough to be gross. Plus, the fact that you can break it into two pieces before eating makes you feel like you’re doubling your haul. There really should be a live Google map of houses giving away Kit-Kats.

Enrico’s note: the views in this post are those of the author alone. Do not hold any ill will against other members of this site because he didn’t include Snickers. You’re gonna rank Smarties higher than Starburst? Did someone lace your candy?

  1. Kevin - Oct 31, 2013 at 10:20 AM

    Hate to break it to you, but skittles also went from like to apple and they suck now. The apple totally clashes with the rest of the flavors. Skittles are pretty much inedible now.

    Reply
    • Kevin - Oct 31, 2013 at 10:21 AM

      Lime*

      Reply
    • BarryO. - Oct 31, 2013 at 11:06 AM

      If Trayvon can’t enjoy his Skittles, no one can.

      Reply
    • BenE. - Oct 31, 2013 at 11:07 AM

      Seriously, sour apple…what the hell! Lime was the best flavor, after grape.

      Reply
  2. dubeedubeedu - Oct 31, 2013 at 10:22 AM

    I cast my vote for the delightful Butterfinger. Delicious with a slight crunchy center which allows a bit to remain stuck in your teeth for tiny bursts of flavor throughout the day.

    Reply
  3. Bunk - Oct 31, 2013 at 10:29 AM

    Sorry, but a list without Reese’s in the top 3 isn’t reputable.

    Reply
    • psudrozz - Oct 31, 2013 at 10:33 AM

      you.

      peanut butter cups or GTFO

      Reply
      • psudrozz - Oct 31, 2013 at 10:33 AM

        “yes”

    • Diddy - Nov 1, 2013 at 10:34 AM

      The fact that the might Reeses isn’t in the top 3 is not only a horrible candy ranking, but I believe a law was broken somewhere without it being there. They are the closest thing to crack on the addiction scale.

      Reply
  4. Tom - Oct 31, 2013 at 10:45 AM

    Couldn’t agree more. No Reese Cups? Shame on you.

    Reply
  5. BenE. - Oct 31, 2013 at 11:10 AM

    First of all, I like candy corn and I don’t care who knows it.

    1. Twix
    2. Reese’s cups
    3. Butterfinger
    4. Baby Ruth
    5. Snickers

    Baby Ruth is way underrated. As mentioned, fuck sour apple Skittles

    Reply
    • Jay D - Oct 31, 2013 at 1:03 PM

      mmm baby ruth…was waiting for a mention of them…
      your list is perfect… dont even care about the rankings, those were the candies i’d always be looking for!

      Reply
  6. Illigitimate Son of Ben - Oct 31, 2013 at 11:13 AM

    “(you’re going to cringe when I say this, but I’m predicting the New York Red Bulls will beat the Galaxy for their first-ever title)”

    Nooo! Not Philadelphia’s soccer arch rivals! Ha ha, sorry I can’t type that with a straight face.

    Reply
  7. Gee Pee - Oct 31, 2013 at 11:14 AM

    “I find your lack of Reese’s disturbing” ~ Darth Vader

    [IMG]http://i43.tinypic.com/2q9e2bp.jpg[/IMG]

    Reply
  8. willh888 - Oct 31, 2013 at 11:34 AM

    Butterfinger, Skittles, Reese’s Pieces, Reese’s cups, Mars bar and that coconutty Mounds effer with dark chocolate. You can have the rest

    Reply
  9. I Like Cheap Beer - Oct 31, 2013 at 11:49 AM

    The absolute worst candy to hand out are Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews. You don’t “eat” them so much as smash them in your mouth before rinsing out the peanut bits with birch beer.

    Reply
  10. Cuban - Oct 31, 2013 at 1:16 PM

    1. Kit-Kat undefeated champ 2. Reese’s 3. Swedish Fish, although volume leaves something to be desired. 4. Mounds 5. Sour gummi worms.

    Agree Milky Way>Snickers

    Reply
  11. MasterOfMyDomain - Oct 31, 2013 at 1:18 PM

    How many fillings have those square caramel chews taken out of people’s mouths?

    Reply
  12. Steve Moore - Oct 31, 2013 at 1:26 PM

    I was unaware of the sour apple poison pill in Skittles. Haven’t bought a pack in a while, so I just mooch the flavors I like when people have them out. That is a tragedy worthy of congressional hearings.

    I know the lack of Reese’s Cups and Snickers is troubling to some. But peanut butter and chocolate just isn’t my thing. I readily admit that it’s weird.

    Agreed that Peanut Chews are just horrible. And I don’t mind swedish fish, but any sort of gummy candy on Halloween (like Starburst or Swedish Fish) don’t last more than a night in the bin.

    Also, if anyone finds fun size packs of Pretzel M&Ms tonight, send them my way. They will be at the top of next year’s list.

    Reply
    • Robin - Nov 2, 2013 at 8:34 AM

      fun packs of pretzel M&Ms do exist. I was handing them out. BUT the worst thing is there are maybe 7 candies in each bag. So if you find this holy grail, take at least 3 packs at once to make it worthwhile.

      Reply
  13. Craig - Oct 31, 2013 at 1:58 PM

    No love for Mr. Goodbar?

    Reply
  14. Andrea Moore - Oct 31, 2013 at 3:04 PM

    I apologize for Steve’s hatred of the greatest combination in all food – peanut butter and chocolate. Please rest assured that peanut butter cups are my favorite and our son will grow up eating them happily.

    Reply
    • Diddy - Nov 1, 2013 at 10:37 AM

      I agree. Kit Kats are the red headed soulless ginger stepchild of candy world. Mr. Goodbar definitely is better.

      Reply
  15. 2sentz - Oct 31, 2013 at 3:15 PM

    Been blessed with receiving a $100,000 bar have you not? The ice crack of choco-caramel treats.

    Reply
  16. Bill - Oct 31, 2013 at 5:59 PM

    Where’s the peanut butter cup?

    Reply
  17. Erik - Nov 1, 2013 at 3:06 AM

    1. NutRageous
    2. Take 5
    3. Kit Kat
    4. Reeses
    5. Milkyway

    Notice Hershey products dominate the top 4 PA representing

    Reply
  18. BAPS - Nov 1, 2013 at 9:39 AM

    Are you fucking high not putting Reeses anywhere in the top 5?

    1. Any Reeses bar candy
    2. Twix
    3. Baby Ruth
    4. Doesn’t matter
    5. Don’t care.

    I do have to say, after taking my 11 month old son out last night, dum dums need a bigger existance in the trick or treating world. I remember getting dozens of lolly pops in general, and hating it, growing up. This year, with them being the only thing my son can really enjoy candy-wise, he got a lousy stinking 4. and 2 of the 4 were the mini-Tootsi pops.

    Reply

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