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The Evster Asks “What Kind of Soccer Fan Are You?”

Aug 16, 2013, 10:46 AM EDT


Just a guy wearing a horse head.

Like it or not, soccer fever has swept the US. And while casual fans are experiencing some light sniffles before the new season, a host of white people have become fully consumed by the virus, barfing their brains out in anticipation of this weekend’s fixtures. On Saturday and Sunday morning, they will invade our pubs, wear shirts that promote obscure Arab airlines and fail to finish the stewed tomatoes that come with their English Breakfast. Soccer fans come in all shapes and sizes, with varying levels of knowledge and interest in a sport that is scientifically proven to be super-sonic boring. What kind of futbol fan are you? Read on to find out.

LEVEL 9 BONKERS AMERICAN - You own multiple jerseys of your favourite club and even have a full kit that you break out for big matches. You use words like “kit” and “matches” and “pitch” and “pace” and “DARBY” and cannot listen to 30 seconds of Eric Wynalda’s rambling without telling him to stop sucking his own D. You argue with your cable provider pretty much every August, making sure you can watch your precious Man United or AC Milan or Barcelona or whatever front-running team that served as the catalyst for your latest European vacation. You once had a real, live African person give you a thumbs up after he spotted you wearing your Didier Drogba jersey. This was by far the greatest moment of your life. You’ve never admitted this to anyone, but you post on football message boards pretty much every day, and even once went to a bar to meet up with your favourite team’s supporters club, but got too nervous and just stood in the corner sipping your beer like a sap. Nothing excites you more than transfer rumours. You follow Nicklas Bendtner on Twitter. You are insufferable.

CASUAL FAN - You pretend to understand the Champions League, but have absolutely no idea where Galatasary plays. You rarely pay attention during actual matches, but enjoy having a pint with the fellas and get super excited when your favourite Ghananian comes on in the 73rd. You’re anti all of the big clubs, root for teams that have had new-found success like Man City or Borussia Dortmund, although secretly you wish you knew more about Napoli. You have never once pronounced a Belgian’s name correctly. You love Andres Iniesta, but mostly because of his hairline, and you once spent an entire 90 minutes marveling over Branislav Ivanovic’s thighs. It’s no big deal if you miss a match or forget that soccer exists for a few months, because you are living life the way it was supposed to be lived. You probably have a super hot girlfriend. Your knowledge of soccer is minimal, but you are smart enough to recognize that Eric Wynalda sucks his own D.


Whatever, Flamini. Brannie’s got thighs like what, what what.

MLS 4 LYFE- Look, I understand that you’re excited that soccer came to America, but you need to settle down. Yeah, going to a game at PPL Park is fun, and the whole snake thing the Union have going on is kinda cool, but dude, you’re embarrassing yourself. Your favourite European team is whatever one Michael Bradley is currently playing on, even though you have never seen Michael Bradley play a European fixture. You listen to Pearl Jam. You need to reevaluate your life.

MR. I PLAYED SOCCER AT LEHIGH, LOOK AT ME, I’VE GOT FANCY STEP-OVER MOVES - You play in an adult rec league where you constantly appeal to the ref by calling him “sir.” You own cleats that were made post-1998 and are surprisingly fit for a person who spends all day in a cubicle. No one likes watching you run around while they’re dry-heaving on the sidelines. You don’t really support any specific club, but if you had to pick one, it’d be Liverpool. You make sure to say, “He’s so crafty, though,” whenever anyone bashes Luis Suarez. You have been known to have some really, really, really stupid haircuts. How you got a girlfriend is beyond me. You are seriously the worst person in the world. You know who you are. You play in that Manayunk co-ed league on Thursday nights. You need to stop slide-tackling into chicks. I LOATHE you.

PERSON WHO STUDIED ABROAD IN GERMANY DURING THE SPRING OF 2002 - You know more about Borussia Monchengladbach than 95% of the western world and pronounce the word “Munich” as “Munchen”. You own many, many, many pairs of brown shoes.

YOU ARE A NORWEGIAN PERSON - People can tell you’re foreign simply by your socks. You know super secret websites that stream live feeds of games which enables you to keep tabs on your boyhood club from the outskirts of Oslo, a squad that currently plays in the Norwegian sixth division. You have never technically killed a man, but you have witnessed many men die in front of you.

GUY WHO LIKES AMERICAN FOOTBALL AND ONLY AMERICAN FOOTBALL - You own a bunch of Under Armour performance tank tops and are totally cool with that Geno’s Steaks sign that reads “YOU MUST ORDER IN ENGLISH.” Everything you do in life revolves around the words “LA Fitness.” You consistently pay women for sex and have never, ever understood Monty Python. You need to wake up and smell the Earl Grey. The real football season is here. Vamanos!

Follow The Evster @TVMWW.

  1. thatguy - Aug 16, 2013 at 11:06 AM

    I am a “That was an exciting 0-0 game with 12 shots… wow soccer sucks” kind of guy myself

  2. timlawson7 - Aug 16, 2013 at 11:32 AM

    I am a “5 seconds of action, listen to two jerk offs talk for a minute, 5 seconds of action, penalty announced because someone apparently touched someone illegally, then listen to two jerk offs talk for a minute, 5 seconds of action, welp time for a commercial…” kind of american football fan myself.

  3. gootman2017 - Aug 16, 2013 at 11:35 AM

    Keep putting a ‘u’ in favorite and we’re shipping you back on the next boat.

  4. Barry O. - Aug 16, 2013 at 11:38 AM

    My favorite part of soccer is not watching it

    • Chelsea4ever - Aug 20, 2013 at 8:49 PM

      then don’t watch you douchebag

  5. fredfrinks - Aug 16, 2013 at 11:43 AM

    a new low.

  6. Kunk - Aug 16, 2013 at 11:49 AM

    What is this garbage? More articles about a plush Chase Utley doll blogging about the Phillies plz.

    • Enrico Campitelli Jr. - Aug 16, 2013 at 12:43 PM

      smh hate u

      • Kunk - Aug 16, 2013 at 12:53 PM

        Lil Chase followed me on Twitter yesterday! It was the best day of my life!

  7. broadsthooligan - Aug 16, 2013 at 11:52 AM

    Pretty lame that you’d diss a team from your own city on this site like you did in the MLS 4 Lyfe piece. Yea, MLS isn’t the BPL, but the BPL has only been what it is since Serie A dropped off in the late 90′s. The success of these leagues are all about bringing in players who are essentially mercenaries. American leagues have money well beyond what the rest of the world can pay. The idea that the MLS will be a top four league within the next few World Cup cycles is almost definitive. MLS is the biggest and fastest rising league in the world and it has a club playing in your backyard.

    Have fun watching England; it won’t be long before these pre-season roundups are for MLS and not the BPL

    • TheEvster - Aug 16, 2013 at 12:04 PM

      Calm down, Bruce Springsteen.

    • thekrisheim - Aug 16, 2013 at 12:30 PM

      “American leagues have money well beyond what the rest of the world can pay.” yeah, but the MLS isnt and wont be one of them. look at the way the union is set up and how ownership works.

      • thekrisheim - Aug 16, 2013 at 12:31 PM

        and by “union” i mean the player’s union

      • broadsthooligan - Aug 16, 2013 at 1:07 PM

        MLS doesn’t have the money that other American leagues do, but it will. American’s have put ton’s of money into soccer, it just happens to be across the ocean. Once the MLS establishes itself as a legitimate commercial competitor to the top leagues the money will come back home. Six EPL teams are owned by Americans. The business makes more sense there, but once it’s comparable here we’ll start to get that money at home. With Clint Dempsey as the latest improvement to the league on the field, it shows that the league is being taken more seriously and is growing. Donovan staying brings Beckham. Beckham brings Henry, all of which brings Keane, Martins and Dempsey. All of which allows Zusi, Besler and Gonzalez to consider playing their entire career here like Donovan did. That cycle is still going. As the league grows more money comes in and the league grows even more.

        MLS is set up as a single entity and has been to allow the league to expand and not blow up the way the NASL did in the 70′s. It did a very good job of that. On that note, I’d be surprised if it stays a single entity for much longer. The salary cap will go up. There will be more DPs and eventually the league will be stable enough that every team can handle paying their own contracts.

        I’m not sure what you’re talking about with the Players Union though.

  8. ZWR - Aug 16, 2013 at 12:42 PM

    I agree with broadsthooligan. Evster is totally lame. A

  9. Mwa Ha Ha - Aug 16, 2013 at 12:48 PM

    The Union don’t even play in Philly.

    • broadsthooligan - Aug 16, 2013 at 1:10 PM

      And where do you suggest they build a stadium in Philadelphia? It’s not like they didn’t consider it. There aren’t many places they could do it. I’m sure the Union would love to play in the sports complex in South Philly, but there’s just not much open ground in the city big enough for a stadium.

    • broadsthooligan - Aug 16, 2013 at 1:26 PM

      None of these teams even play in the US. Go ahead and support an EPL team; I’ve been rooting for Newcastle since Joey Barton was there, but a Philly sports blog should cover the Philadelphia team before it covers an entirely foreign league shouldn’t it?

  10. I'm Sergio - Aug 16, 2013 at 12:55 PM

    I really wish and sometime think I’m a Level 9 Bonkers fan but in reality, I’m more casual than anything. I gotta step up my passion this year.

  11. Simmonds17 - Aug 16, 2013 at 1:18 PM

    I’m none of the above, although I am dvr-ing both the Union game and the Real Madrid game this weekend, and will probably check out some of NBC’s EPL coverage this weekend. But I still like baseball, football and hockey better than soccer. Check back in 4 years or so or if the Union win an MLS Cup.

  12. EvsterSucks - Aug 16, 2013 at 4:00 PM

    Evster sucks.

    • TheEvster - Aug 16, 2013 at 4:23 PM

      All day eeryday!

      And it’s THE Evster.

  13. SLICE - Aug 17, 2013 at 9:11 AM

    “A host of White People…”
    Am I the only one who caught that?! Who wrote this article?

    • TheEvster - Aug 17, 2013 at 9:47 AM



  14. 33 - Aug 17, 2013 at 10:25 AM

    theevster can we we be friends IRL or at least on FB? this was downright magisterial.

  15. underthebridge1 - Aug 17, 2013 at 10:29 AM

    The Evster’s talent is wasted on these fools. Also, I believe I fall somewhere between Casual Fan and Fancy Step-Over Moves.

  16. aphs soccer - Aug 20, 2013 at 5:44 PM

    F-in great article. Its a shame all the meatheads who ripped you just didnt understand the jokes in it. Dumbasses. Well done, evster

    • TCB69@Spurs - Aug 20, 2013 at 8:42 PM

      I agree aphs soccer. Typical MEATHEAD d-bags. They should go back to the northeast/NEAST rocking their wife beaters & cruising the Boulevard. That’s of course after having Mom’s meatloaf in their parents basement. Only thing worse than Philly meatheads is Arsenal & ManU fans- bunch of trolls.


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