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For Wrestling’s Uninitiated: 5 Things You Need to Know about Tonight’s ‘Money in the Bank’ PPV

Jul 14, 2013, 10:00 AM EDT

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The Money in the Bank pay-per-view pre-show kicks off at 7:30 p.m. inside the Wells Fargo Center with the full show getting underway at 8 p.m. Tonight’s show will be Philadelphia’s first WWE PPV since 2009 and comes just days after reports that Lincoln Financial Field could be a candidate for an upcoming WrestleMania.

If you’re already a fan of pro graps, enjoy the change-of-pace content below, and if you’re not, here’s five basic things to know about tonight’s card…

1. Mark Henry is the Daniel Day-Lewis of professional wrestling
If you have a milkshake, and Mark Henry has a straw, and his straw reaches across the room, he drinks your milkshake. He drinks it up.

Wrestling fans from the Attitude Era (late 90s) may remember Mark Henry as “Sexual Chocolate,” a plus-400-pound former Olympic weightlifter who was having sex with a woman in her late 70s, which then led to that same woman birthing a hand.

But fast forward more than a decade and the World’s Strongest Man is now also the baddest man on the planet. Entrances are key in professional wrestling, and Henry’s is a metaphorical blocking of the sun and literal blocking of the camera, featuring the song “Somebody’s Gonna Get It” by Three 6 Mafia. Lyrics:

Somebody gonna get they ass kicked.
Somebody gonna get their wig split.
Somebody gonna get they ass kicked.
Somebody gonna get their wig split.
Beat ‘em up, beat ‘em up, break his neck, break his neck.
Beat ‘em up, beat ‘em up, break his neck, break his neck.
Beat ‘em up, beat ‘em up, break his neck, break his neck.
Beat ‘em up, beat ‘em up, break his neck, break his neck.

This is all a prelude to Henry inducting opponents into his “Hall of Pain,” which usually consists of him delivering the World’s Strongest Slam and consequently shouting “THAT’S WHAT I DO.”

I channeled There Will Be Blood above  because in order to goad Cena into accepting his challenge for the WWE Championship, Henry held a fake retirement ceremony complete with him crying in a salmon-colored jacket. That ceremony was quickly broken up when he picked up Cena — mid-hug — and slammed him to the mat. It’s the best acting performance in professional wrestling I’ve ever seen and it’s better than most of what you’ll see from people who are traditionally considered “actors.”

But if we’re picking a film, Henry’s match with Cena is almost beat for beat the plot of Rocky III. Cena’s the protected champion who’s lost his hunger after being the company’s golden boy for the last decade, and Henry is the closest living thing to Clubber Lang. The only thing we’re missing here is Cena training on a beach in California with Kofi Kingston, who just keeps screaming, “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!” (Of note, Kingston apparently lived on the same floor as Enrico in college.)

If you’re not rooting for Mark Henry this Sunday, you’re doing it wrong.

2. 15-foot ladders make everything better
From Wikipedia: “In fiction, a MacGuffin (sometimes McGuffin or maguffin) is a plot device in the form of some goal, desired object, or other motivator that the protagonist pursues, often with little or no narrative explanation as to why it is considered so important. The specific nature of a MacGuffin is typically unimportant to the overall plot. The most common type of MacGuffin is an object, place or person. However, a MacGuffin can sometimes take a more abstract form, such as money, victory, glory, survival, power, love, or even something that is entirely unexplained, as long as it strongly motivates key characters within the structure of the plot.”

Think of the briefcase from Pulp Fiction. Now take that briefcase, suspend it 15-feet above the ring, and have guys try to scale a ladder to grab it. Welcome to Money in the Bank.

The winner of the Money in the Bank ladder match earns a contract to face the WWE or World Heavyweight Champion at any time during the following calendar year, depending on which match he’s entered in. Most guys cash it in when the champ is beat up and defenseless, and winning Money the Bank is nearly always a guarantee that you will win the title. There are two of these on the card this year. If you’ve never seen one, anywhere from six to 10 guys bash each other with ladders for 20 minutes before somebody finally climbs one and ends it.

This one isn’t a Money in the Bank match, but it was one of the most famous ladder matches of all-time:

I remain amazed they haven’t partnered with Werner to produce “the official ladder of World Wrestling Entertainment.”

3. Faaaaaaaaan-daaaaaaaaan-gooooooo
Fandango is involved in one of the two ladder matches, his for the World Heavyweight Title opportunity. He is a character who ballroom dances his way to the ring and dramatically says his own name in the third person. I should need to write nothing else to get you on board with this.


4. Rob Van Dam is back and in Philadelphia
After a six-year hiatus from WWE, which he spent mostly in TNA Wrestling, Rob Van Dam makes his return Sunday night at Money in the Bank.

Van Dam has a long and noteworthy history in Philadelphia as one of the biggest in names in the former ECW, which called this building in South Philly its home.

At 42 years old, Van Dam isn’t quite what he was during ECW’s heyday. In fact, he’s spent much of the last decade recycling the same rolls and monkey flips that feel far more impossible now because he’s just generally slower in the ring. Suspension of disbelief is an odd thing in wrestling and Van Dam tests it even for diehards.

That said, even those who don’t “get” wrestling will find it hard not to be entertained by his match with Jerry Lynn from Living Dangerously in 1999:


Living Dangerously 1999 – RVD vs Jerry Lynn by Kapitas

Working in his favor, he’ll be in the ring with five other guys and probably as many ladders, meaning he’ll likely do something like thisand this.

5. You might run into Charlie Manuel
Assuming you can afford the good seats.

*

Here’s your full card for tonight’s Money in the Bank pay-per-view:

—————————————————

WWE Championship
John Cena (c) vs. Mark Henry

World Heavyweight Championship
Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

WWE Championship Contract Money In The Bank Ladder Match
CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus vs. Christian vs. Randy Orton vs. Kane vs. Rob Van Dam

World Heavyweight Championship Contract Money In The Bank Ladder Match
Dean Ambrose vs. Fandango vs. Antonio Cesaro vs. Jack Swagger vs. Damien Sandow vs. Wade Barrett vs. Cody Rhodes

Chris Jericho vs. Ryback

WWE Intercontinental Championship
Curtis Axel (c) vs. The Miz

WWE Divas Championship
AJ Lee (c) vs. Kaitlyn

Kickoff Match
WWE Tag Team Championships
The Shield (c) vs. The Usos

—————————————————

And just because:

  1. Franchise - Jul 14, 2013 at 10:27 AM

    Finally some wrestling coverage on here. You guys cover soccer but not wrestling? In the words of the hurricane ” wassup wit dat”

    Reply
    • IWP - Jul 14, 2013 at 1:52 PM

      Yep, this place is sorely lacking in the “watch two half naked dudes grabbing and slapping each other” coverage. Less sports more subliminally homosexual soap operas!

      Reply
      • Franchise - Jul 14, 2013 at 1:56 PM

        Yes. So let’s post more articles that all the Internet gm’s can comment on and bitch about how awful the Phil’s are doing like anybody that posts on here could do a better job

      • Angel - Jul 31, 2013 at 11:03 AM

        Dude, you’ll be much happier if you just admit to yourself that IWP = I Want Penis.

        There is nothing wrong with that buddy…don’t be afraid to let the real you come out.

        Cheers!

  2. Captain_Awesome - Jul 14, 2013 at 11:04 AM

    I’ll be there tonight. So excited for this show.

    Reply
    • Franchise - Jul 14, 2013 at 11:39 AM

      Same. Can’t wait to see the whole F’n show. RVD

      Reply
      • Captain_Awesome - Jul 14, 2013 at 12:58 PM

        Same here. Really hoping Danielson wins the MITB contract, the building will explode.

      • Franchise - Jul 14, 2013 at 1:02 PM

        Yeah that place will go nuts. Would love if he cashed in on cena. Roof would explode

  3. Captain_Awesome - Jul 14, 2013 at 1:52 PM

    Also, inb4 “wrestling is stupid/gay/fake/etc.”

    Reply
    • CenaCumOnMe - Jul 15, 2013 at 9:28 PM

      Well, it is all of those things… so…

      Reply
  4. Scott - Jul 14, 2013 at 7:17 PM

    Really enjoy all the Philly related wrestling coverage. Couldn’t make it down tonight so hopefully they come back soon with another ppv.

    Reply
  5. Enrico Campitelli Jr. - Jul 15, 2013 at 10:26 AM

    Did the Undertaker or the Ultimate Warrior win?

    Reply
  6. Noe Lamberti - Sep 17, 2013 at 2:17 AM

    That may be a terrific place to carry up. I present the feelings on top of as normal inspiration but evidently there are actually inquiries much like the one particular you carry up where by the main issue is going to be functioning in straightforward very good religion.

    Reply

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