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Jason Kelce, embarrassment to mankind, only eats 65 wings at Wing Bowl

Jan 31, 2014, 10:32 AM EDT

kelce-wings

This tiny woman ate 363 wings. Matt Stairs was chugging beers like he’s Stone Cold Steve Austin in a Phillies jersey. What did Jason Kelce do?

He ate 65 wings in 14 minutes. All that hype, and Kelce didn’t even qualify for the second round. Disgraceful.

Doesn’t it seem like the center for the Philadelphia Eagles should be able to house more than 65 wings? This ain’t the Jacksonville Jaguars, Jason. This is a storied franchise that’s been in existence since 1933. The fans here demand more.

Chuck Bednarik played center AND linebacker for the Birds, which by the way I just realized is a massive hole in Kelce’s game. There is no doubt in my mind that even at the age of 88, Concrete Charlie would destroy Kelce in a wing-eating competition. The Hall of Famer would probably eat the bones too, and not in the semi-hilarious KFC commercial way. You’d know he was eating the bones from the crunching sound they were making.

That’s the sound intimidation makes.

Sure, Kelce was billed as being undersized when the team drafted him in 2011, but 65 wings is really all he can handle? I know retail store managers, graphic designers and male nurses who could top that. He’s supposed to be an offensive lineman!

Really starting to question whether this guy is worth the big-money contract extension coming his way. Kelce may have held the top cumulative score among NFL centers this season according to Pro Football Focus, but put a plate of wings in front of him and suddenly he can’t get to the second level.

And did he trim his beard? You better not have trimmed your beard, Kelce!

  1. Frank - Jan 31, 2014 at 11:10 AM

    Call me old fashioned, but when I was a boy I pictured an NFL center as a beast of a man who could build log cabins, hunt lions with his bare hands, and eat at least 100 wings in 14 minutes.
    From this day forward I don’t know what to think about Jason being an Eagles Lineman, but I will forever consider him offensive.

    Reply
    • louis - Jan 31, 2014 at 11:33 AM

      Kelce game is built on athleticism and speed….He is not like your grandfathers center…He don’t roll over nose tackles and DTs….he is a guy who pulls and hits LB and safety in the 2nd level lead blocking for a speedy running back….Im glad he aint eating 300 wings, dont wanna slow him down….I like centers like him…He instead of blowing up a dt for a 5 yard gain, he pulling, knocking out lb and safeties paving the way for 30+ yard gains.

      Reply
      • Frank - Jan 31, 2014 at 12:19 PM

        Call me old fashioned, but when I was a boy I pictured sports blog comment sections a place where people understood a good joke when they heard one.
        From this day forward I don’t know what to think about louis participating in the comments, but I will forever consider him offensive.

      • Dan - Jan 31, 2014 at 12:25 PM

        Remember this too, that many wing eating champions are not winners because they have a larger stomach, but because their stomach stretches more than many other peoples.

    • Marvin Monroe - Jan 31, 2014 at 12:15 PM

      Couldn’t agree more, Frank.

      I remember back when Guy Moriss used to walk into the stands during timeouts and eat fans’ hoagies.

      Reply
  2. willh888 - Jan 31, 2014 at 11:21 AM

    ah well, he runs a 4.8 and can probably still throw you up into a tree. Bad form on the wings though, Chip ruined him with all those good choices. If i was the team i’d make him nnamdi in the car for the first mini camp meal

    Reply
  3. officialgame - Jan 31, 2014 at 12:30 PM

    I’m sure Chip is really happy with Kelce’s dietary choices for the off season. F**k the Wing Bowel anyway I want a Super Bowl!

    Reply
  4. BOB - Jan 31, 2014 at 1:04 PM

    More than what I can eat.

    Reply
  5. death from above - Feb 1, 2014 at 1:11 AM

    He put it all on the table and was humiliated…

    That means he tried and made the effort…he gets Philly

    Reply

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