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Men are from Mars, Iverson is from Mercury, & Sheed is from Uranus

Feb 14, 2006, 10:44 PM EDT

Mercury_aiYou know, just the other day when I was out hunting quail under the twilight moon, I found myself gazing to the stars and wondering to my self, "Self, I think its about time someone compared the moons and planets of our solar system to the National Baskeball Association players."  Behold, not days later, ESPN must have used the first three letters of their name to read my mind.

Our favorite son (sun?) Bubba Chuck is actually from Mercury, because, you know, Mercury travels through space at 30 miles per second.  Fast.  Somehow I’m guessing all the other matter in space travels just as fast.  Somehow they seemed to stretch the fact that Kobe Bryant has a few championship rings to mean he is from Neptune.  Neptune has rings too!  I bet you thought Neptune was just some mythical undersea deity, but no!  It’s also a planet in our solar system if you know your Greek mythology.

I don’t know what the hell I just wrote, but that’s probably because I have no idea what the hell ESPN is trying to do with this planetary bullshit.

ESPN: A trip through the NBA Galaxy