Oct 22, 2013, 11:00 AM EST
“If you’re going to suck butt, you might as well have fun doing it.” – Martha Washington
We get it, Sam Hinkie. We really do.
0-82 … Tankapalooza … Andrew Wiggins 4 Lyfe.
And we’re on board! We’re totally on board. But do the 2013-14 Sixers have to also be so incredibly boring?!?! Now that Nerlens Noel might be out for the seez, there are only two players on this team worth watching: Khalif Wyatt, a pudgy local fella who’s probably going to be cut next week, and Royce White, a total weirdo who has the potential to burn down every arena he enters. No other Sixer is even remotely interesting. I’m not saying we should sign some freakshow just to sell tickets — like a midget, or Randall Cunningham Jr. — I’m just saying that Spencer Hawes is REALLY difficult to watch. Also, I’d totally buy season tickets if the Sixers signed a midget.
Based on results from the past seven NBA Draft combines, the Sixers currently have ZERO of the NBA’s top 100 highest vertical leapers. Now granted, I completely made that stat up — and even if it were true it means absolutely nothing — but still, you totally believed it for a sec didn’t you?
So why not spice it up a bit?
Right now, one of the game’s most entertaining players is wasting away on Detroit’s bench. His coach claims he’s out of shape, but he’s always been out of shape. He’s a 6’10″ power forward with point guard skills, who also happens to be completely and totally hairless. You know who I’m talking about. It’s written right up there in the title of the post. There’s even a picture of the guy up there, too. There’s really no reason to try and build anticipation here, because the title and picture basically gives the whole article away. Why did I even bother writing this paragraph? Let’s just move on.
The top 8 reasons the Sixers should absolutely, positively trade for Charlie Villanueva, immediately if not sooner:
Every GM understands the importance of a “contract year”.
“Whadda ya think about Jim Dorvendale?”
“He can’t shoot and he’s coming off 13 ACL surgeries.”
“He could help us.”
The last time Charlie V played for a contract (2009), he averaged 16 and 6 for the Bucks and ended up with a 5-year $35 million deal from Detroit. Guess what folks? IT’S TIME FOR CHARLIE TO EAT AGAIN. Also, 16 and 6 isn’t nearly good enough to help anyone, so don’t worry about Charlie hurting our draft position. Sure, Charlie has more way more talent than the current sack of donuts coming off the Sixers’ bench, but he does none of the little things that actually help teams win games. I’m not even sure if Charlie is aware that you’re allowed to play defense. He should fit in perfectly. Also, his name is Charlie, which is adorable.
Charlie’s Girl is a Total Smokeshow
Michelle Game, remember the name.
Look how happy Charlie is!
And that house is spotless. They must have a cleaning lady, right? No magazines or mail laying around. And is Michelle wearing high-heeled Timberlands? And what is going on with her right leg extension? He seriously looks so happy!
Everyone knows that having hot chicks around makes athletes play harder. Spend time at any outdoor court and watch what happens when a good-looking woman walks by. All of a sudden, dudes start picking up their intensity, throwing loads of behind-the-back-passes and doing that weird thing where they lick their fingers and rub the soles of their sneaks (which is absolutely disgusting by the way). If Michelle Game were to hang out around the Wells Fargo Center this year, I guarantee you that James Anderson would try to dunk over every mediocre power forward in the Eastern Conference (which now includes not one, but two Zellers!) Also, Mark Zumoff wouldn’t know what to do around this lady, so maybe he’d shut up for once in his life.
I don’t really know how salary caps work or what that whole collective bargaining agreement thing is, but anytime you’re talking NBA trades you’re required to mention cap space. So cap space.
Have You Seen the Sixers’ Roster?
They just signed a guy named Daniel Orton!
Here is what a scout from NBADraft.net had to say about the 6’10″ Orton: “Very careless with the ball … He tries to make passes that have no chance of finding the target … His movements are not smooth and it seems like he wastes too much energy while getting up and down the court.”
The Sixers could offer the Pistons: Tony Wroten, Darius Morris, Lavoy Allen, Spencer Hawes, Jason Richardson, Vander Blue, Gani Lawal, a dozen honey crisp apples and every 2nd Round Pick in perpetuity for Villanueva. THAT’S PRETTY GOOD VALUE, JOE DUMARS. To be honest though, I don’t even know if that’s enough to get the deal done. Mostly because honey crisps are WAY overrated. Have you had SnowSweets, though? Dee-lish!
The Man is Completely and Totally Hairless
I’m not trying to make fun of Charlie’s skin condition, I’m really not, but it is impossible to take your eyes off of him when he’s on the court. HE’S SO SMOOTH. Like a salamander! With point guard skills!
Charlie was actually teased quite a bit growing up (and I get that, and that’s sad), but as an adult who makes millions and millions of dollars, the game done changed (see: Game, Michelle, bazooka boobs). In fact, Alopecia might even be a good thing. For one, it’s probably so easy for him to dry off after taking a shower. Personally, I need at least 45 minutes after showering to douse my entire body in baby powder. Every one of my wife’s pants suits is currently covered in a white cloud of dust. Serves her right for owning so many pants suits.
At my gym, there’s this old guy named Sheldon (who is no joke, 147 years old) who loves to get buck naked by the sink and blowdry himself in the balls. It’s amazing. Sometimes Sheldon even puts his bare, wrinkly foot up on the sink to blast his balls from the optimal angle. You haven’t lived until you’ve made eye contact in the mirror with a man while he’s blasting hot air on his balls.
Charlie is every bit as tantric as Sheldon. Forget about watching him play basketball, I would pay top dollar to see that guy eat a meatball hoagie. God I hope Sam Hinkie is reading this article. HE LITERALLY PLAYS NO DEFENSE.
Charlie Doesn’t Give a Shit About Shit
You know how your old-ass grandfather doesn’t care about anything? He just does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Mismatched socks. Apple sauce all over his face. Blaming squirrels for global warming. That’s Charlie V on the basketball court. Just doing his own thing at all times, completely unaware of what’s going on around him. Floating around the 3-point line when a smaller player is guarding him. Launching 19-foot stepbacks. Shovel passes. So many shovel passes. It’s glorious. And so liberating. We should all live life the way Charlie plays ball. There is literally no hair on his entire body.
In 2011, Charlie missed 32 games with a sore right ankle. Not a sprain, not torn ligaments, just some soreness.
THINK HOW AMAZING HIS PRESS CONFERENCES COULD BE.
Keith Pompey: Charlie, any idea when you’ll be coming back from the ankle injury?
Keith Pompey: Thanks, bro.
Royce White Could Really Use a Friend
If the Sixers are serious about nurturing Royce White, then they need to surround him with likable people. Remember when the Phillies traded away Todd Zeile, and then Gregg Jefferies went into a major slump and manic depression? Me neither, Gregg Jefferies was always miserable and sucked the entire time he was here. Regardless, imagine Royce and Charlie hobnobbing together around Chicago, instagramming pictures of hot dogs while shopping on the Magnificent Mile. That’s not a reality show? You’re telling me that’s not a reality show?
Just get him, Hinkie!
Spencer Hawes is the softest big man ever!
Well, except for Shawn Bradley.
He was the worstttttttttttttttttttttt.
Follow The Evster @TVMWW.
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