Jun 20, 2013, 10:10 AM EST
Look, I like Carlos Zambrano. I think he’s a very interesting fella and I thoroughly enjoyed watching him pummel those Gatorade coolers. I also like Zac MacMath. When I went to see the Union play Real Madrid last summer, I walked into the Linc right behind his entire family who were all wearing MacMath jerseys. Nice folks. Cute family. Mediocre goalie, but still. Also the name MacMath is fun to say. MacMath. MacMath. So I get it, I really do. This is a Philadelphia sports website and the 700 Level followers want to read about Philadelphia sports, and that’s fine, Jonathan Papps blew another save, we should talk about it. He stinks, there I talked about it, BUT THERE IS AN AMAZING NBA FINALS GOING ON RIGHT NOW WITH A GAME 7 ON TAP TONIGHT, and I’m pretty sure, after doing extensive research, that there has not been one stinking post about the Finals on this website! And correct me if I’m wrong, but this is all coming at a time when EVERY PHILADELPHIA TEAM SUCKS BUTT.
So seeing as tonight is Game 7, and I’m the only person in this city who apparently realizes that MICHAEL YOUNG DOESNT MATTER, let’s recap what’s been going on in THA FINALZ!!!
Game 1: Tha Shot
Forget about the fact that Tony Parker FELL DOWN just seconds before the shot, then pulled a Curly Neal routine, twisted and turned and ducked under LEBRONNY-BRON of all people before hitting the game winner, there has never, ever, ever been a shot in NBA history that was so close to being a shot clock violation, yet so clearly was not. Each time they showed that Tony Parker replay it seemed to hit home just how incredibly close it was, and how lucky Tony is to have such iddy biddy little French fingers. Parker was so unbelievable in Game 1 (21pts, 6assts 0turns), that you almost (keyword: almost) forgot about the fact that he totally had sex with his best friend’s wife. Ugh, what a dick. Really cute guy, sexy accent, but still a dick.
Other things we should’ve blogged about: LeBronski had a triple dubb (but was held under 20pts), Danny Green wapped four 3s, Birdman outscored Matt Bonner 7 to 0, T-Mac DNP.
Final Verdict: The Heat were tired, Kawhi Leonard is better than everyone on the Sixers, and there’s no way I can root for a dude who boned his best friend’s wife.
Game 2: Tha Block
Honestly shocked that Tiago Splitter has continued to suit up and attempt to play basketball since his dunk attempt was rejected by the Lebrontasaurus Burger. I really felt like after that play, Splitter should’ve just ran off the court and out of the arena, never to be heard from again. Kinda like how Shawn Bradley has fallen off the face of the earth since retiring. That’s probably the only smart thing Shawn Bradley has ever done in his whole stupid life. God I hate that man. He’s probably a really, really nice person.
Other things we should’ve blogged about: Just the five more 3s from Danny Green, Birdman outscored Bonner 9 to 5, TMac played 8 minutes and only attempted 1 shot. Read that again. Tracy McGrady. Eight minutes of playing time. One shot.
Final Verdict: The Heat got this in 5, Tiago Splitter probably has enough money saved up for retirement, it’s absolutely mind-boggling that NBATV makes Brent Barry analyze games involving a guy who slept with his wife.
Game 3: Tha Bomb Squad
Before Game 3, I had never really understood the fascination with the 3-ball. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Dale Ellis, thought Hersey Hawkins was a serviceable 10th man for the 1996 Hornets, but have always preferred a hard-nosed guy to lower his shoulder, knock people out the way and get to the rack. I also think Rumeal Robinson was the best point guard ever and my fantasy basketball team has finished in last place three consecutive years. But after watching Danny Green and Gary Neal go ABSOLUTELY BONKERS in game 3 (hitting 13 combined triples), I now get it, I totally totally totally get it. Watching them rain threes was mesmerizing, but not nearly as mesmerizing as Spike Albrecht’s performance in this year’s NCAA Final. I don’t understand why we’re still not talking about that. Did you see that little guy? So nifty! Also, how ’bout the fact that Miguel Cabrera won the Triple Crown last year?!?!? Do you realize how amazing that was?!?! I’d been waiting my whole life for that! Carl Yastrzemski can suck a butt!
Other things we should’ve blogged about: Lebron was held to 15pts on 7-21 shooting because Kawhi Leonard is AWESOME, Birdman and Bonner both scored 2pts, TMac had 3assts and 0turns in 7mins of action, Spike Albrecht tweeted about a thunderstorm in Michigan — with emoticons!
Final Verdict: The Heat might be in trouble, I shoulda practiced my jumper more, I’m totally writing 30,000 words about Spike Albrecht’s Twitter account next week.
Game 4: Tha Return of D-Wade
There are times when Dwayne Wade plays basketball like my 7-yr-old nephew. Dribble dribble dribble, tries to look cool, loses dribble off his foot, gathers dribble, rubs hand on his shorts as if they’re sweaty and that’s why he lost his dribble, hesitation move, double hesitation move, drives baseline, jumps in the air, looks around for someone to pass to, anyone, has no idea what he’s doing, throws the ball wildly back toward three point line, turnover, jogs back on D as if that’s a totally normal thing to do, complains to someone, wears stupid pants … and there are other times when Dwayne Wade absolutely dominates. That was Game 4, where he (32pts), Bronkey (33) and Boshy (20) combined for 85 big ones. I don’t know how the Heat ever lose a game.
Other things we should’ve blogged about: Three more 3s from Danny Green, Chris Bosh introduced himself to the paint (“Hi Paint, I’m Chris.” “Hi Chris, I’m the Paint, I can talk,”, Spo gave Mike Miller the start, Birdman DNP, TMac DNP, Bonner 4pts on 2 for 2 shooting.
The Final Verdict: Heat in 6, Mike Miller is the weirdest looking person ever, GET BONNER MORE PLAYING TIME.
Game 5: Tha Bald Spot
Pop inserts Manu into the starting lineup and Ginobili goes bonks. Driving to the hoop, jumping off the wrong foot, right hand, left hand, floaters, lookin’ like a young Spike Albrecht. Oh, and just the six 3s for Danny Green.
Other things we should’ve blogged about: Mario Chalmers clearly has no idea who’s on his team as he continues to jack up shots (2-10FG), another DNP for Birdman AND TMac, while Bonner gets one minute of action AND A STEAL. Obvs!
The Final Verdict: Heat gotta win two straight at home (THERE’S NO WAY), Manu signs on with CBS for a new sitcom called “Everybody Loves Manu”, Brent Barry on suicide watch.
Game 6: Tha Greatest Game Everrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Ridic comeback by the Heat (down 5 with :20 left), but how ’bout being down 11 with 7 minutes left? And with Wade on the bench, Bronislav went into beast mode, revving up the energy on D, forcing turnovers, going to the rack SANS HEADBAND, and all of the sudden the Heat were back in this … BUT THEN TONY PARKER TOOK OVER … and the Heat were done … but then Ray Allen got free! … but he didn’t really get free, he just kinda got free! … and then overtime! … and the return of Birdman! … and how about Mike Miller with one-shoe? … I can’t believe how much I love three-pointers! … They give you an extra point! … Aghghghhh, Game 7!!!
Other things we should’ve blogged about: Duncan goes for 30 and 17 (but only 5pts in the second half!), Manu being Manu completely out of control, Dwayne Wade might stink, Danny Green with only one 3??? Bonner’s beard is getting long!
The Final Verdict: How can you ever leave Ray Allen?!?!?!?!?
Game 7: ????
Absolutely no idea what’s gonna happen tonight. It always seems like when the Heat play D, they’re in it, if they try to act cool, the Spurs wap threes in their face. Honestly after his Game 6 performance, I think Dwayne Wade absolutely stinks and should just get out of Lebron’s way. I obviously don’t really think that, but I sorta think that. All in all, this has been an incredible Finals even though we’ve only had two close games. Frankly I want to root for the Spurs, but the guy slept with his teammate’s wife for cryin’ out loud. How can you do that? Not even Carlos Zambrano would do that!
Zac MacMath on the other hand???
Gingers are VERY in these days.
Follow the Evster on Twitter @TVMWW
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