Oct 29, 2013, 12:35 PM EDT
Broadcasting SUPER LEGEND Tim McCarver is retiring after this World Series, which means we only have a few more games to soak in his greatness. As of now, it is unclear who Fox will bring on as next season’s color analyst. Rumor has it they’re grooming John Smoltz to take over, while other reports say they’re leaning towards replacing McCarver with a giant bowl of fried clams. Either way, the man has been on fire this postseason, spewing nonstop drivel along the way and inspiring me to jot down some of his most memorable quotes.
MCCARVS: Lance Berkman being out of baseball just doesn’t seem right.
You know what doesn’t seem right, Tim? The fact that you make millions of dollars a year while the guy who lives in my dumpster spends his days trying to eat his own foot. And even though every morning that guy tells me I’m a “dirty, dirty dickwad,” he’s still way more enjoyable to listen to.
And also quite perceptive.
JOE BUCK: Tim, you’ve been around the game for 55 years, what do you think of the Cardinals six-foot-five, 22-year-old right-hander, Michael Wacha?
MCCARVS: [chuckling] I think what you think I think.
Oh, McCarver, we just know you so well. Why even bother to ask him questions, Joe Buck? Why even bother to ask? Don’t waste McCarver’s time. What do you think it’s his JOB to talk to you? FIFTY-FIVE YEARS AROUND THE GAME, JOE BUCK (and only 50 of those years were spent in full squatting position). I think you know what he thinks. We all know! That he’d love to take a squat behind the plate just one more time and dangle his little fingers for Michael Wacha. Just kneeling back there, with his knees bent, and his butt hovering above the dirt, staring into Wacha’s eyes, teasing him, playing a little game of cat and mouse with the third base coach, I honestly have no idea what I’m talking about right now.
Imagine someone else in a different line of work answering a question in that very same way.
“Boss, what do you think of the agenda I prepared for today’s meeting?”
I think what you think I think.
“That it’s a piece of shit? That I’m a horrible employee who threw it together five minutes before our meeting? That I spent all morning staring at the new secretary’s Instagram instead of doing my work? That I seriously considered, like SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED, burning down this entire office building just so I could get out of this meeting? ‘Cuz that’s what I think you think. Is that what you think?”
MCCARVS: That’s one of those statistics that’s very easy to understand, Joe. And I’ll tell you why after this pitch.
OH MCCARVER PLEASE TELL US NOW. Please! We can’t possibly wait ’til after the pitch. Throw the ball, John Lackey! THROW IT! I need to have this stat explained to me! Even though it’s very easy to understand, I am an absolute moron and need to have things told to me in a very slow and concise manner by people who have been in the game for over FIFTY-FIVE YEARS. I don’t know how this guy could possibly have a better ERA at home than on the road. Good God, Lackey, stop stepping off the rubber and pitch the ball! PITCH THE BALL, LACKEY!!! PITCH DA BALLLLLLLLLLL!!!! FIFTY-FIVE YEARSSSSSS!!!!
JOE BUCK: Did you know Michael Wacha actually has a milkshake named after him?
MCCARVS: I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone having a milkshake named after them.
Okay. Okay. At first this seems ridiculous, it really does, everyone could name SOMEONE who has a milkshake named after them, but after thinking about it for a while, I too was unable to come up with a person. I’m sure there are many, many people who have, I just can’t come up with any off the top of my head. Still, I’ve certainly HEARD of people having milkshakes named after them. It’s not like that’s too foreign of a concept to wrap my head around. And I know it’s not McCarver’s job to talk about milkshakes, but why couldn’t he have at least continued the conversation? I’d much prefer to hear two guys talk about milkshakes than why the Cardinals aren’t playing at double play depth. All McCarvs had to do was say something like, “You know, Joe, I got a milkshake yesterday and it cost me $6.75. That’s crazy, right? Are we really at a point in our society where paying $6.75 for a milkshake is acceptable? Let’s break it down: a milkshake gives you, what? Three scoops of ice cream? That’s like $4 right there, then maybe throw in another $0.50 worth of milk, another $1 for labor — and really, c’mon, labor? You stick the ice cream under the mixer, Joe, that’s hardly labor. I’ll tell you about labor, squatting down to catch Bob Gibson for nine innings, that’s hard labor. Gibby once once threw a ball right at my tits, Joe, right at my tits. And it wasn’t even during a game, it was at an italian joint in Milwaukee. You know what it’s like to catch a Gibson fastball right between your tits, Joe? Of course you don’t, your daddy spoon-fed you as a child. $6.75? I ain’t paying it. And don’t get me started on Rao’s tomato sauce. $9 a jar? I mean, it’s good stuff, don’t get me wrong, but $9? C’mon, Joe. God I miss Lance Berkman.”
MCCARVS: When you work a count from 0-2 to a walk, that’s … well that’s … that’s a good at bat.
Here’s something to think about: this is 2013, and we can watch pretty much any sporting event we want on our telephones. If we wanna listen to a game in Spanish, we click a button and boom, vamanos. If we wanna watch a movie and have if feel like laser beams are being blasted up our noses, bang, IMAX. But how is it that televisions do not have a feature that allows us to mute sports commentators? We don’t need those guys talking to us for three straight hours and we certainly don’t need them reading promos for My Two Dads. Can’t we just listen the sounds of the game — like we’re at the ball park — hearing the pop of the catcher’s mitt, the peanut guy yelling, the chatter of the fans? It’s 2013. We have websites devoted to apple sauce for crying out loud. My Two Dads was honestly the worst show ever.
MCCARVS: The thing that’s impressive about Carlos Martinez, obviously it’s his finish, but it’s his freedom of movement of the arm … unencumbered.
Okay that’s complete and total nonsense. And why it obvious that his finish is impressive? And what does that even mean?!?! The thing that’s truly impressive about Carlos Martinez is his hair. Not quite a Jheri curl. Not quite a fro. But totally unstoppable.
MCCARVS: Lackey is pitching Freese away, and Freese is fouling balls off to the right.
Thank you oh wise wizard of baseball. How could we possibly tell what was going on in this game without you?
RIP Tim McCarver.
RIP Lou Reed.
RIP reasonably-priced milkshakes.
If you want more McCarver, buy his CD, “Tim McCarver Sings Selections from the Great American Songbook” here. Or you want more Evster, follow him on Twitter @TVMWW. Or if you want to see a picture of a squirrel wearing a Cardinals helmet, click here. That’s prolly the better move anyway.
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