Jul 26, 2013, 10:47 AM EST
I don’t think you realize how devastating this whole Ryan Braun steroids thing is to Jewish people. To most non-Jews, it was just “another dude on PEDs” and doesn’t matter because “the Milwaukee Brewers aren’t even a real team” and another reminder that “I have to go to the dentist”. But to an entire population of people whose greatest athletic achievement revolves around Corey Pavin’s sweater vest collection, it was the ultimate kick in the pants.
And don’t talk to me about Sandy Koufax! All us Jews have heard enough about Sandy Koufax! We’re all very proud of Uncle Sandy thank you very much but dude hasn’t painted a corner since the Johnson administration. And Hank Greenberg, yeah he was cool, probably as cool as you could be with a last name like Greenberg, but I’m not entirely convinced he wasn’t juicing either. The guy had forearms like a mule. He might have actually been a mule. Sports medicine wasn’t really a thing back in the 30s, so there’s a very good chance that Hank Greenberg was in fact a mule. Ryan Braun though? Not a mule … good-looking … or at least not mule-looking … Home Run Champ! … MVP! … Rookie of the OMG do you know who he’s engaged to?!
Now that Braun’s suspended for the year, we’re left to cheer on Ian Kinsler as our best active Jewish ballplayer. Do you have any idea what it’s like when a guy hitting TWO EIGHTY EIGHT is the best you’ve got? Remember in the 80s when you PRAYED that Von Hayes could get his average above .300 so that mayyyyybbbbeeee he could get his stupid name in the league leaders column? That’s what it’s like. Ugh, his hair was horrible. There’s also Jason Marquis (who just had Tommy John surgery!) and Kevin Youkilis, known best for that ridiculous batting stance I mean seriously what are you doing dude just put your damn hands together and ugh, that goatee. Embarrassing.
Basketball’s even worse. Amar’e doesn’t count (but if he did, OH, BUT IF HE DID), no living person has ever seen Dolph Schayes play, and Omri Casspi straight up suckssssssss. So it basically comes down to Sue Bird. Not that I’m complaining about Sue Bird, I love Sue Bird — as a player, not as a sex object (but also as a sex object) — but c’monnnnnnnnnnn.
Football? Wanna talk football? Lyle Alzado is another guilt-ridden Jew who was all ‘roided up. There’s Sid Luckman, who was a phenomenal quarterback in an era when no one threw the ball. And the two-headed monster Dolphins QB Combo Platter of Jay Fiedler and Sage Rosenfels, who very well could be the same person. Also, I’m not kidding, there used to be an offensive lineman for the Cleveland Browns whose name is … and I’m being 100% dead serious here … are you ready for it … this is real … his name was … Lennie … Friedman.
HIS NAME WAS LENNIE FRIEDMAN.
FIRST NAME LENNIE.
LAST NAME FRIEDMAN.
NO COOL PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAS EVER BEEN NAMED LENNIE FRIEDMAN.
Swimming though, we’ve got some great swimmers! Dara Torres, Jason Lezak and MARK SPITZENBERG. But then again, swimming! This might be a good time to mention that Olympic Gymnast Mitch Gaylord is Jewish. Then there’s Goldberg, the wrestler, who was a fantastic champion in a sport centered around the wonderful world of make believe.
In The Bleacher Report’s list of the 25 Greatest Jewish Athletes of All-Time, #13 was Marty Hogan, A RACQUETBALL PLAYER. Now don’t get me wrong, racquetball is intense, but I guarantee you that the 13th guy on the bench of the 1990 UNLV Runnin’ Rebels was a far better athlete than Marty “Blue Balls” Hogan.
And I’m not trying to disrespect racquetball, I’m really not. That sport is bonkers. I played last week with a friend and almost died. At first I thought I was going to die from a good ole fashioned backhand to the throat, but turns out the easiest way to die on the court is heart palpitations. You know those movies from the 80s where some hot shot Wall Street exec invites the sweet, young up-and-comer to play racquetball in an attempt to humiliate him and let him know who’s boss? That was me, except in the movies, the young guy who struggles at the start eventually gets his wind, figures out the angles and ends up giving his boss a run for his money. The longer I played the more time I spent doubled over in the corner, weeping. When I wasn’t chasing after balls and bashing into solid plaster walls, I was chasing after balls and bashing into solid plate glass windows. Later, after taking a shower in the locker room, I didn’t realize LA Fitness is B.Y.O.TOWEL, so I had to dry myself off with my shoe. I also witnessed an old Asian dude blow dry every part of his body besides his full head of hair, even going so far as to PUT HIS FOOT UP ON THE SINK to dry off his nibblers.
He was very agile, this Asian fella, very agile.
What was this post about again?
Right, Ryan Braun.
The thing is, yeah, we love controlling Hollywood, and dominating the comedy scene, and the Beastie Boys have done more for our people than Moses himself, but sports, everyone just wants to be good at sports. When you’re good at sports, people like you. Chicks wanna bang you. Dudes give you dap. As I sit here at my cubicle, typing on this stupid computer while my co-worker Lorraine talks into her HANDSFREE HEADSET, I still have to believe that there’s no sweeter life to lead than that of an all-star athlete. (Well, except for being a rap star or a giraffe photographer.) And Ryan Braun was doing that, as a Jew, representing an entire nation of scrubs — and he was actually good! Really good! A lot better than Shawn Green and Mike Lieberthal and he even had potential to be better than — hold your breath now, Jewish people — Sandy Koufax.
And there’s a gaspppppppppp from the congregation.
Please be seated.
But now Braun is a liar, and a bum, and a disgrace to the chosen people, relegated to the status of just another corny Jewish dude named Ryan. We all know Ryan. He works at his dad’s law firm. He has a weirdo kid who he posts pictures of on Facebook. He hangs out in Margate. He sucks at softball.
So the search is on for the next great / decent / somewhat better than mediocre Jewish athlete. It doesn’t seem like Jordan Farmar’s career is gonna pan out quite the way I once envisioned. And it turns out that Max Scherzer is actually not Jewish (which we should have known by his 14-1 record and 3.14 ERA). I’m starting to think that maybe Amar’e Stoudemire is Jewish? Pretty sure I went to Hebrew school with a guy named Amar’e. Mighta been Ari. Mighta been like 45 different kids named Ari. But did you know that Amar’e is currently an assistant coach for the Canadian Maccabi team? You gotta be pretty friggin’ Jewish to wanna hang out with that many other Jewish people. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m pretty sure that with a little convincing, Amar’e could easily become my Uncle Ivan’s favorite athlete of all time.
Well, except for Sue Bird.
Whose mother is Christian by the way.
Is there any way that one day racquetball becomes one of the four major sports?
How ’bout dentistry?
I cannot tell you, how absolutely ecstatic I am, that Shawn Bradley is a Mormon.
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