May 3, 2013, 11:10 AM EST
Chris Wheeler is obviously not the best broadcaster in the biz (that’d be the “Boom Goes the Dynamite Guy”), but he’s also not the worst (that’d be Tim McCarver). He’s just Chris Wheeler. Just plain ole, normal, not that interesting, perfectly fine, whatever, he’s a white dude, Chris Wheeler.
And it’s not like we expect the Phillies to hire the greatest commentators in the country, but we do at least expect them to employ the greatest Chris Wheeler. So I figured why not do some internet sleuthing to see how the Phillies’ Chris Wheeler stacked up against other Chris Wheelers.
This is Chris Wheeler. A young professional from Seattle who may or may not use product in his hair. It’s hard to tell. He seems like a nice enough guy, has a well-kept beard, some stylish glasses, but what is a Senior Technical Program Manager? That’s a job? He made up that job, didn’t he? Or is that just a fancy title for a computer geek? This guy is definitely a computer geek. A computer geek with over 500 connections on LinkedIn. Who the hell uses LinkedIn??? Ugh, what a dufus. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.
This is ChrisTOPHER Wheeler, PhD, aka Mr. Fancy Pants Look at Me I Like to Spell Out My Whole Name Doctor Guy. A brilliant scientist who specializes in cancer research — and is probably a wonderful, caring person — but get over yourself dude with your white coat you think you’re better than me? You think you’re better than me, don’t you? Whatever, no one reads the Journal of Neuro-Oncology, buddy, whereas I know for a fact that literally DOZENS of people read my How To Make Your Own Jersey post. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.
Ohhhhh, baby! Now this, this is a Chris Wheeler. I found this Chris Wheeler on Facebook, and he’s obviously a mega cool dude. Forget about his saggy nips and beet-red sunburnt chest, look at this guy’s girlfriend! Good for you, Chris Wheeler! Good for you! I don’t know how you snagged that bathing beaut, but I’m proud of you, buddy! And I see you trying to slide in there and smell her hair! Veteran move, Wheels! Veteran move! Edge: This guy!
Okay okay okay okay. Forget about the hair. Just forget about the hair. This Chris Wheeler, or “Wheeler” as his friends call him (found that out on his website, CHRIS WHEELER DOT ORG), gives motivational speeches to Christian youths by “bringing the bible to life.” According to his bio on CHRISWHEELER DOT ORG NOT COM BUT ORG, Wheeler connects with youngsters through his “various sound effects and beat-box skills.” Wow. Deep breath, Evster, deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Okay. You know what, Chris Wheeler? You know what? Nice job. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.
Here we go. This Chris Wheeler looks dope. A brotha, a filmmaker, a strong Charles Barkley-esque mustache circa 1987, I think I could get on board with Chris Wheeler Films. Check out the passion in Chris Wheeler’s eyes — looking off into the distance, visualizing his next shot, taking in the crisp, salty ocean air, with a nice clean Hanes crew neck T-shirt underneath that polo jawn. There’s only one problem:
DUDE MAKES WEDDING VIDEOS.
You don’t even have to watch that video. I’m not even sure why I embedded it. IT’S SO BORING. There’s only one part worth checkin’ out: at the :45 second mark, the groom tries to take off the bride’s garter, and it’s sort of hot for like three seconds, but then Wheeler (in classic Wheeler fashion!) cuts to a shot of the bride and groom staring off into the distance. Ughhhghhh. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler
I’m sure Chris Wheeler’s trip to Europe was very exciting for him. Probably saw some sights, ate some scones, he might’ve even met some hairy women. But I have never, ever, EVER, in my entire life, seen a man with the ability to look so identical in every one of his vacation photos. I guess in the middle photo he’s sort of trying to smile, but I just can’t get behind a dude who wears his sunglasses on the top of his head. I’m sorry, Chris Wheeler, I’m just a horrible person. And you might be the clammiest Chris Wheeler on the planet. Edge: Phillies Chris Wheeler.
Well, there you have it, folks. Phillies Chris Wheeler seems to be better than 5 out of 6 Chris Wheelers. We definitely coulda done worse.
Then again, we definitely coulda done better.
Simply the best.
The Evster writes the blog TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. He also sometimes writes about sports for us. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW, or you could go get yourself a sandwich. That’d probably be the better thing to do. You gotta be starving.
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