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The Evster: the Sixers are cool but the Wells Fargo Center still kinda sucks

Nov 15, 2013, 7:22 AM EDT

Don’t let the Sixers fool you. Despite their bonkers start, this organization is still completely and totally incompetent. I love Evan Turner, and I would jam my tongue into Michael Carter Williams’s mouth, and I am almost, almost, almost ready to cheer when Spencer Hawes makes a three-pointer, but this team still has a lot of work to do before I spend my hard earned money on a trip down to the Wells Fargo Center.

Luckily, as a rising internet celebrity, I now get free tickets to games thanks to some guy on Twitter (who I’ve never met before). Seriously, some random dude gave me free tickets to the season opener vs. the Heat and also to the following week’s game vs. the Wizards. It’s incredible. He didn’t even ask me to send him any barefoot pics or anything (yet). He just gave me the tix, and I went to the games, and snapped a bunch of photos for you sad, pathetic common-folk who still have to pay to attend sporting events because you don’t have OVER EIGHT HUNDRED LOYAL TWITTER FOLLOWERS.

So here you go you sorry sack of inbreds: some sweet pics of life down at the Wells Fargo Center as well as some photographic evidence that the Sixers brass still spend most of their time sucking their own butts.

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For the season opener vs. the Heat, the Sixers pulled out all the stops, hiring a group of mummers to perform outside the arena. The Mummers got the party started with some timeless ragtime hits while thousands of parents hurried their children through the turnstiles, imploring them to not make eye contact with the sad, weird troll people.

The following Wednesday? Not quite the same fanfare outside the arena, but still a pretty awesome way to greet the fans …

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… with a dumpster parked out front.

Just your standard, black, dirty, disgusting dumpster.

Come on down to the Wells Fargo everyone! Watch your step around the dumpster though. Couldn’t move that before the game tonight. Just parked it right out front. Right in front of our multi-million dollar facility. Open the lid and see what you can find in there! Could be a dead mummer!

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Aw man, I’m sorry I don’t have a better picture of these bozos. These were the DJs hired to PUMP UP THE JAMZ when you first entered the arena. I wish I could remember their names, it was something like DJ Dazzle and his buddy DJ Razzle. Obviously those weren’t their names, those are ridiculous names, but it was something like that. DJ Razzle had to be 55 years old. He kept putting his hand down on the DJ table to steady his balance. And yes, that’s a Toyota Corolla in the background. They were playing Bruno Mars when I first got there.

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This is a “Chicken American” sandwich from Chickie’s and Pete’s. I figured it’d be a smart move to go with a known Philly entity instead of some Aramark dogisht that’d been sitting under a heat lamp since last seez. Turns out the Chicken American is just three chicken fingers on a seeded roll with no cheese, no tomato and no taste. Very simple. Very basic. VERY American. Oh sorry, it did have a small dipping container of honey mustard sauce along with it though. So there’s that. It cost $10.50. I ended up just eating the chicken fingers on their own after developing a severe case of lockjaw from trying to pry my mouth open wide enough to jam it all in there. It was seriously the driest sandwich I’ve ever eaten. But that’s all right, at Sixers games you can always wash anything down with a nice cold brewski from the …

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BUD LIGHT BLUE ZONE.

CHIEW, CHIEW, ZIEWZZ (those are the slashing sounds of the Bud Light Blue Zone)

A little chilly in the Blue Zone last Wednesday. Too chilly in fact for them to open up shop. Same for this gem of a hot dog stand …

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PREMIUM PHILLY FLAVOR.

What does that even mean?!?!?!?

CHIEW, CHIEW, ZIEWZZ

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My friend who I was with had a hankering for some “Assorted Candy” which I thought was going to be a bunch of different hard candies thrown into a bag. I realize now that that would’ve been ridiculous, but at the time it seemed like something the Wells Fargo Center would possibly offer. When my friend asked the dude behind the counter what kind of assorted candy they had, he told her they only had Twizzlers.

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Now I personally think Twizzlers suck, but that’s neither here nor there, the fascinating part is that this was OPENING NIGHT. The Sixers had an entire offseason to stock up on candy, and yet, apparently they decided to go with JUST THE TWIZZLERS. On top of that, this all took place the week of Halloween, so they easily could’ve gone to a local supermarket and loaded up on candy. But nope, just the Twizzlers was enough. JUST THE TWIZZLERS.

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Let’s talk about the Sixers Flight Squad, shall we? (Who I am totally fine with by the way, I am totally fine with them.) I am all for people running around like idiots and launching themselves off of trampolines and ramming their faces headfirst into a basket. I’m honestly shocked that Slam Ball wasn’t a huge success. But these dudes need to RE-LAX. 95% of the time they’re on the court, they’re just trying to pump up the crowd by yelling things like, “C’MON!” and “LET’S GO!” and “DJ RAZZLE ON THE SCRIBBLE SCRABBLES!” There’s just so much clapping and so much head-nodding. None of them know how to properly throw a t-shirt.

The picture above was taken around 20 minutes before tip off (still plenty of great seats available!) when the Flight Squad came out for a little impromptu break dance sesh. It was so embarrassing. Whenever someone did a flip, all the other members of the squad would go, “Ohhhhh!!!” and then another guy would do a Jackknife or something and they’d all go, “OHHHHHHH!” and then another guy would do some sort of Swizzle Shift and I don’t even know what that means, but that’s seriously the only way to describe what this young man was doing with his body. At the moment this photograph was taken, two of the dudes were doing the Kid and Play dance. They had one kind of candy in the arena, folks. Twizzlers. Just the Twizz.

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The Flight Squad’s gametime performance was a whole ‘nother story. End to end explosiveness (with even more clapping and head-nodding and pump-up-the-crowd action). The dude in front of me (pictured above) was so into it that he actually filmed their dunks. He was probably 24 years old.

Later, when the Sixers cracked the century mark, he asked me how to redeem his free Big Mac coupon. I told him he had to go to section 101 to exchange his ticket for the coupon and when I finished explaining this to him, he repeated everything I said just to make sure he knew what to do. I found this very endearing. He was very excited to get his Big Mac. I was excited for him too.

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See that cotton candy dude? Probably a very nice person. Well, he had the audacity to ask a little kid if he wanted strawberry¬†cotton candy or blueberry. I wanted to be like, “Dude, it’s blue and pink. There’s no difference in flavor. Cotton Candy is the flavor,” but instead I actually kept my mouth shut for the first time in my life. I didn’t catch the little kid’s response, but I’m guessing it was something like, “You’re an idiot, right?”

Also, if you had to call them different flavors, the blue would obviously be blue raspberry!

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This is who greets you when you enter the bathroom. The poster boy for Horizon Plumbing Heating and Air Conditioning. I don’t know about you, but no plumber, heating guy or air conditioning dude has ever entered my house looking that presentable.

Before allowing any blue-collar worker into our home, my wife will lay down a giant tarp at the front door just so they don’t track in any dirt, mud, or some sort of dead animal that might be attached to the bottom of their boots. Also, that guy and that lady are TOTALLY gonna pork. The sexual tension is PALPABLE. Look how he’s making eye contact with her HARD. I feel sad for that lady’s husband. If I was a stay at home mom, I would have sex with every person who came to my front door. FACT.

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The team store didn’t have any Michael Carter Williams jerseys (they were being delivered the following Wednesday, because WHY HAVE THEM READY FOR OPENING NIGHT?), but they did have TWO different key chains: a $7 version with the Sixers logo on it and an $8 SPENCER HAWES JAWN with an imitation human torso.

I’ve never understood why people need key chains in the first place. They’re so bulky and annoying to carry and now that jeans have gotten considerably skinnier, they dig into your thighs and omg am I really talking about key chains let’s just end this post immediately.

The Evster writes the blog TV My Wife Watches where he writes about TV his wife watches. You can follow him on Twitter @TVMWW or you can follow his wife @DianeSawyer.

  1. kevin e - Nov 15, 2013 at 8:17 AM

    horribly accurate. would we really miss the Sixers if they went to Albuquerque or some far off place?

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:37 PM

      Yes we would!

      I should’ve mentioned more positives about the Wells Fargs, like those vanilla ice cream cones with the chocolate dizzip.

      Reply
  2. Franchise - Nov 15, 2013 at 8:42 AM

    Great read. I was sad when it ended

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:38 PM

      I once had an And1 t-shirt that said something like, “Chicken Nuggets? I get buckets.” and on the back it said “FRANCHISE”

      Reply
  3. 2sentz - Nov 15, 2013 at 8:49 AM

    This needed to be written. And it’s not just the Sixers, it’s the venue.

    At Flyers games I often buy my kid a scrawny $5 hot dog in shriveled bun, but delay ‘dessert’ (ice cream! dad can we get ice cream?! dad dad dad dad…) til the 3rd so he’s not bouncing off the seats for two periods. God forbid I take a piss and delay the concession visit, 3rd period starts and those gates come DOWN. Sure they mention that one counter that “sometimes stays open just over on opposite side of rink, near Bryn Mawr”, but he’s not walking that far and I’ve now dropped almost two bills to fail as a father (again).

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:39 PM

      It’s also cold in there!

      Reply
  4. Cassandra Meade - Nov 15, 2013 at 8:50 AM

    I wonder if they fix the joint up better for, say, Justin Beiber concerts?

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:40 PM

      My twitter pal just hooked me up with Kanye tickets for tomorrow night, so I’ll let a sister know!

      Reply
  5. willh888 - Nov 15, 2013 at 9:05 AM

    chiew chiew ziewzz every time i see it now

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:41 PM

      I bet if they called it the Bleu Zone it’d have lines around the blizzock.

      Reply
  6. Turbo - Nov 15, 2013 at 9:12 AM

    I dont know what 50/50 raffles typically hit but that night at Wiz game i think it topped out around $1500, exactly the equivalent to your average JV girls high school game.

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:42 PM

      LET IT BE KNOWN, Turbo actually took that pic of the Sixers Flight Squad.

      THANK YOU TURBS FOR CONTRIBUTING TO THIS POSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

      Reply
  7. Rich Kotite Sucks At Golf - Nov 15, 2013 at 9:34 AM

    The Wells Fargo Center sucks. Period. Everything is true in this article but you lost some points saying, “last seez”. Don’t write that again.

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:43 PM

      Obviously I’m going to put “last seez” into every article from here on out. Thanks for reading tho!

      Reply
  8. Jamie - Nov 15, 2013 at 11:10 AM

    Sadly Aramark runs all the consessions at the Wells Fargo Center so even if you buy from Chickie and Pete’s or Campo’s it is still Aramark crap wrapped in a name that you recognize as good.

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:44 PM

      The worst thing is you can’t even get a really philly soft pretzel down there, you gotta get a super pretz (still delish tho).

      Reply
  9. Cory - Nov 15, 2013 at 11:43 AM

    They even supply food to prisons! Why thats on their website I don’t know!

    http://www.aramark.com/Industries/CorrectionalInstitutions/

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:44 PM

      Nice exclamation points!

      Reply
  10. Lol - Nov 15, 2013 at 1:07 PM

    Wait, you need to go to a certain section to redeem a ticket for a Big Mac coupon? Who’s got that kind of time?!

    When the Flyers score 3 goals or more, you just give your ticket stub to a clueless McDonald’s employee and spend a couple minutes explaining that you now get a free breakfast sandwich. I’ve often wondered if you could do this with any Flyers ticket with the previous day’s date on it, regardless of the score.

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:46 PM

      Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, gives you instant diarrhea quite like an Egg McMuffer.

      Reply
  11. underthebridge1 - Nov 15, 2013 at 1:30 PM

    You’re about to have 799 twitter followers if you talk shit about Twizzlers again.

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:48 PM

      C’mon, manimal. Twizzlers are the worsttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. Sure, they’re kinda fun to chew and break off in your mouth, and when you were 7 and learned you could use ‘em as a straw, that was cool, but they taste like buttttttttttttttttt.

      Reply
      • BenE. - Nov 16, 2013 at 2:24 AM

        Twizzlers are proof that G*d hates those who don’t except him as their creator.

      • BenE. - Nov 16, 2013 at 2:24 AM

        accept*

        I promise that won’t happen again.

  12. Kunk - Nov 15, 2013 at 1:33 PM

    Stunning photography skills, Evster!

    Suckkkkkkkkk myyyyyyyy buuuuuutttttttttttttttttttttttt!

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:48 PM

      I have a windows phone!

      Reply
  13. Horizon Services - Nov 15, 2013 at 2:14 PM

    Actually, our technicians are that clean. They each wear shoe covers and use drop cloths on every job.

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:50 PM

      That dude look like Rick Santorum!

      Reply
  14. ZWR - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:07 PM

    Good job Evan but could you maybe take smaller pictures next time?

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:50 PM

      THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF COMMENTS ON THIS PAGE

      Reply
  15. Matt Nowak - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:16 PM

    This is the most ridiculous article I have EVER read in my life. You really spent time out of your life to write this. You should be ashamed.

    Reply
    • The Evster - Nov 15, 2013 at 3:51 PM

      IN MORE WAYS THAN YOU’LL EVER KNOW

      Reply
  16. delquan - Nov 15, 2013 at 7:39 PM

    do you like running outside wawa naked?

    Reply
  17. MJ - Nov 15, 2013 at 9:06 PM

    Why is the Hawes key chain black?

    Reply
  18. thatguy - Nov 16, 2013 at 1:08 AM

    this website sucks. this post sucks. you suck.

    Reply
  19. BenE. - Nov 16, 2013 at 2:23 AM

    Say what you want about the Evster, but he sure knows ahh fuck that guy.

    Reply
  20. rasheed wallace and gromit - Nov 16, 2013 at 10:43 AM

    what the fuck did i just read.

    get a life, jerks

    Reply
  21. Lava - Nov 16, 2013 at 10:21 PM

    It’s nice to see you have the time to make alternate accounts to praise your articles and use every computer in the library to upvote the fake comments.

    Reply

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