Jul 5, 2013, 12:15 PM EST
While many Philly sports fans will spend their Independence Day weekends outside having cookouts or going to the beach or heading down to Citizens Bank Park to check out KEVIN THE FRANDSINATOR FRANDSEN, I will be staying on my couch to limit my chances of getting skin cancer. If you too are terrified of THE GIANT BLAZING FIREBALL IN THE SKY THAT WILL DOOM US ALL, here are a few sporting events that you can check out on your sports cable package that comes with LITERALLY ONE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED AND THIRTY ONE CHANNELS.
Tour de France — Saturday at 8am, NBC, and Sunday at 6:30am, NBCSP
Possibly the most boring, but also secretly amazing sporting event, the Tour de France is kind of like watching a super relaxing nature program — you just sort of put it on in the background and enjoy the beautiful views of the French countryside while folding some laundry or catching up on your favorite TV blog. Starting this Saturday, the riders enter the Pyrenees Mountain stages of the race, which for those of you who have trouble understanding things when you read them, means, HUMAN BEINGS ARE GOING TO RIDE THEIR BICYCLES UP AND DOWN MOUNTAINS. Yes, not just up, but also down, at ridiculously high speeds, around curves and close to the edge and sometimes even over the edge GOOD GOD WHY DO PEOPLE EVER LEAVE THEIR HOUSES?! You think watching that Jesus freak walk across the Grand Canyon was nerve-racking? Wait’ll you see Nervørmk Vlürvøørnk descent at 85km/h (or approximately 437?mph) down a goddamn mountain and crash into a goddamn goat.
Wimbledon — Women’s Final Saturday at 9am, Men’s Final Sunday at 9am, ESPN
This year’s women’s final features a tall, beautiful German lady, Sabine Lisicki, going up against a total weirdo, Marion Bartoli. Marion is INTENSE. Watch her for two minutes and you’ll see a bunch of her different quirks — she does a little MJ/Kobe fist pump after winning points (and like, keeps doing it, like over and over and over again), she obsessively touches the wall with her racquet when things are going well, she jumps up and down and does these little James Brown quick foot slides (they’re honestly amazing/so weird), she does air-backhands (and air-forehands), and oh, she grew up being coached by her father which pretty much explains this entire paragraph. Neither of the two finalists have ever won a major championship before, and truth be told, Marion is actually a very sweet and lovely young woman, but I’m still obviously rooting for the tall hot German over Captain Cuckoo Cuckoo Cuckoo Pants.
The men’s final will feature two guys who will not be shoving tennis balls up their skirts so honestly who cares.
NBA Summer League — Sixers vs. Rockets on Sunday at 9am, NBATV
Dying to get your first sniff of Nerlens? Not gonna happen, the Sixers can’t finalize their trade with the Pelicans (PELICANS!) until July 15th (also, Nerlens has a busted knee), but you can get your first peek at Michael Carter-Williams-Sonoma (bleh), Khalif Wyatt (without a doubt the most popular basketball player in Philadelphia history) and Arselan Kazemi (the Sixers second-round pick from Iran who might very well be a totally normal person, but someone who I am going to refer to as “crazy” simply because he’s from Iran and I’m a terrible person).
Sadly, Houston’s 2012 first round pick, Royce White (legit crazy) was not invited to be part of the Rockets squad. The second-year player who struggles with social anxiety disorder is rumored to be spending his entire weekend on his couch watching the Tour de France / Wimbledon / Despicable Me. For the record, my wife and I watched Despicable Me on Wednesday night and it was honestly pretty good and I’m legit excited to see the sequel. Stop making that face and judging me I don’t judge you for the blogposts you choose to read.
Classic NBA Summer League — 2007 Sonics vs. Warriors Saturday 1:30pm, 2009 Clippers vs. Lakers at 3pm, NBATV
If you’re also dealing with a severe case of social anxiety disorder, check out Kevin Durant (and Big Baby Davis!) take on Marco Belinelli in a CLASSIC NBA SUMMER LEAGUE matchup from 2007. Blake Griffin and the Clips take on the Lakers right after as part of this BLOCKBUSTER MUST SEE DOUBLEHEADER. I”m not kidding this is pretty much the only thing worth watching in this entire post.
WNBA Doubleheader — Saturday at 5pm, NBATV
Motocross and Wakeboarding, Saturday at 3pm and 4pm, NBC
I can’t imagine anyone will possibly watch this even though it’s probably amazing. I’m not even sure what wakeboarding is. That being said, what happened to NBC Sports summertime programming??? I remember back in the 80s watching amazing stuff during the summer, like the Superstars challenge (RIP Reggie White you weightlifting beast!), NFL QB Challenge (seemed like Randall won that isht every year!) and some baseball skills thing hosted by Joe Garagiola where Eric Davis would try to throw a baseball through the San Diego Chicken’s face. And all the players would wear wristbands with their own faces on them does ANYONE remember that I mean Harold Baines and Carney Lansford and Jack Clark what???????
Ultimate Frisbee — Sunday at 1pm, TCN
It’s DC vs. Boston in the Major League Ultimate Eastern Conference Final. I don’t know what happened to the Philly team this year and I’m not even sure if we have a team but if we do CAN WE PLEASE FIRE THE COACH???
HAPPY TELEVISION WEEKEND EVERYBODY!
Follow The Evster on Twitter @TVMWW.
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