Sep 30, 2013, 10:08 AM EST
Congratulations, everyone! We survived the Sisyphusian hellscape that was the 2013 Phillies season. It hasn’t been pretty. But we had some fun, didn’t we? I said some. If you were like many fans this season, you attended fewer games at Citizens Bank Park, so you probably found yourself watching more of the broadcasts. This has brought you countless visits with kindergarten kids discussing the issues in AT&T commercials. Whether fantasizing about an island made of candy, or failing to grasp the concept of puns, these kids deliver a unique kind of humor that comes from such a mixture of youth, lack of filter, and imagination you’d find in children. Or, you know, Gary Matthews in the middle of a game. Amazingly, if you mix a bunch of their quotes with quotes from Sarge, it’s actually quite a challenge to figure out where each line originated…
1. If you have fast feet, everything…ends up being fast!
2. When you’re slower, you won’t have to get in the street as fast and get ran over.
3. A big fancy stadium, because you can fit more fans in there!
4. They’re all over the ballpark these days, hats.
5. If stuff is not less, there’s more stuff.
6. Right now, with all of the computers, you need two guys.
7. If you put those suits on and lean your head too far out, you can tip over.
8. And then you’ll have to stay in and then you’ll have to get shaved because you’ll be too hot.
9. It was just the loneliest time of ever.
10. A lady buying small shoes and having bigger feet–it’s gonna be really tight.
11. If it’s big enough, you can have a disco.
12. Well you guys have all kinds of tricks up here to get your information. Here I gotta go off the top of my head, you’re getting textses… text messages from different people.
13. I would give them castses if they’re hurt, colorful castses with stickers on them.
14. They’re gonna welcome them, with arms!
15. From what I hear, we’ve been having problems pitching and hitting on the same day. And tonight we went out and did that.
Sarge: 1, 4, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 14, 15 (okay, that last one was pretty obvious, but I had to include that gem)
AT&T Commercial: 2, 3, 5, 8, 11, 13
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