Pedro Gomez Needs A New Assignment

I don't understand the ESPN fascination with Barry Bonds. ESPN has assigned him his very own analyst to watch and report on every single detail of what Barry Bonds is doing. Pedro's most recent report on Barry went something like this:

Barry Bonds arrived at camp here at Scottsdale Stadium at approximately 7:52 am this morning with an entourage consisting of 7 members. He later stretched for four minutes and did a slow jog in the outfield grass for 6.5 minutes. The grass appeared to be green and fluffy. Bonds spent approximately 17 minutes in the batting cage, taking pitches from Giants starters Jason Schmidt and Noah Lowry. On the final pitch thrown by Schmidt, Bonds hit a line drive laser beam that cleared the fences with ease. Felipe Alou was quoted later in the day as saying, "Barry Bonds may not be able to field for shit, but when it comes to batting everyone looks up to him."

I don't think I could have slept tonight until I found out what time Barry reported to camp. My idea is for ESPN to reassign Mr. Gomez to report on someone interesting: Terrell Owens, Allen Iverson, Kyle Orton, Ugueth Urbina, Ben Roetheslberger, Matt Leinert, Jessica Simpson, or even Johnny Weir.

Stay in the game with the latest updates on your beloved Philadelphia sports teams! Sign up here for our All Access Daily newsletter.

Pedro on Uggie:

Uggie Urbina, along with an entourage of unnamed men, arrived at 10:33 pm to his villa in Caracas to find a housekeeper along with 3 of his cousins, Victor, Bobby, and Kang inside of his home. Upon learning that a his hand gun was missing, Uggie proceeded to rush to his pool house where he obtained a canister of gasoline, it is unclear of the lead content of the gasoline, but is commonly believed he used 87 octane.

Pedro on Johnny Weir:

This morning, Johnny spent roughly 2 hours and 33 minutes at the Spa de Dorso Rotto Montagna where I have determined Johnny had skin therapy which included a facial treatment only performed by the Italians in Torino. After spending the morning at the Spa, Johnny continued his day of leisure by hitting up all the couture shops. He purchased a black Roberto Cavalli beaver and python coat, a 3,000$ pair of shoes by Helmet Lang, and a mochachino at a nearby Gellateria. Johnny explained to me that, "I get mochachinos because that's what X-tina drinks and I'm a princess just like her!"