Nov 8, 2013, 7:30 AM EDT
Growing up, no one, and I mean NO ONE, made me lose my shit more than Randall Cunningham. Not Shawn Kemp. Not Frank Drebin. Not even the lovely ladies of Hustler magazine and their knee-high tube socks. Randall Cunningham was The Ultimate
Weapon Bonkers Machine. So when I heard that the NFL Network was going to feature Randall in their “A Football Life” series, I started screaming like a lunatic and ran into a lamp.
Before the show aired, I was most excited to see some of Randall’s old highlights, as well as hear crazy stories from his teammates, coaches and THE FORMER GOVERNOR OF PENNSYLVANIA, but NFL Films kicked it up a notch. Through never-before-seen footage and interviews with ARKANSAS FRED (who currently has a very distinguished salt & pepper goatee), they revealed secret stuff about Randall that blew my mind in ways that no Hustler centerfold ever could. Obviously that last statement is a lie, but still, it was a really good documentary. Here were some of the highlights:
Randall Plays the Bongos
Every Sunday at church — a church that Randall founded and is also the head pastor of — Randall Cunningham, former all-pro quarterback, plays the bongos. He actually sits on the alter, behind some sort of bulletproof glass, and plays the bongos. AND HE’S DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT IT. Just playin’ the bongos, in front of his entire congregation, just bongo’ing away. The Ultimate Bongo.
Imagine having to explain to your friends that on every Sunday afternoon, you played the bongos.
“Hey Charlie, my wife was wondering if you and Rachel wanted to come over for brunch this Sunday? Haven’t seen you guys in a while, would be nice to catch up. I think Marcie is gonna make French Toast or something.”
“Uhhhhh, don’t think I can make it, Steve. Playing the bongos.”
“Aw really? That’s too ba– wait, what?”
“Playing the bongos, dude.”
“The bongos. I play the bongos.”
“What does that even mean?”
“Every Sunday at church. I play the bongos.”
“Yeah, I’m hearing the words that you’re saying, but …”
“Gotta go, dude. Bongos.”
“What the hell just happened?”
That Jheri Curl
We all remember Randall’s flattop, but I had totally forgotten about his Jheri Curl. I mean, look at that thing. It’s beautiful. And so slippery. No wonder Dexter Manley could never tackle him. Randall’s uniform was probably slathered in grease.
Now that 80s fashion has made a comeback — with teenagers tight-rolling their jeans and snorting tons of cocaine — do you think the Jheri Curl will return as well? Nerlens has brought back the flattop, and Michael Irvin has never stopped shaving lines in his head, but the only people still rocking a Jheri Curl are Pedro Martinez and my Aunt Roberta. And yo, my Aunt Roberta ROCKS that Jheri Curl. Michael Cage has to have a son somewhere, right? Eazy E? AC Green? (No.)
The Ultimate Handshake
After that famous Monday Night game against the Giants in 1988 (the game where Randall bounced off of Carl Banks and threw that laser touchdown to Jimmie Giles (shout out Jimmie Giles!), they showed a clip of Randall and LT meeting at midfield for a postgame handshake. It was nothing too out of the ordinary, but it was amazing to see big, bad LT just walk right up to Randall, look him in the eyes and shake his hand like a goddamn warrior (and then ask him where he could score some sweet, Colombian blow). Randall had arrived. And LT gave him the ultimate sign of respect — a feeling that I have never, ever experienced.
There were more clips and soundbites of NFC opponents marveling at Randall’s abilities, too. Charles Mann tried to explain to teammates that he could easily beat the Eagles offensive linemen, but just couldn’t get ahold of #12. Bill Belichick (then the Giants Defensive Coordinator) drew up schemes specifically designed to contain The Ultimate Bongo. 97-year-old Tom Landry gushed over Randall while collecting spittle all over his lips. Fascinating stuff.
Rich Kotite’s Stupid Visor/Cigar Combo
Ugh, look at that guy’s dumb face. Have you ever seen a dumber face? Singlehandedly ruined the most exciting team this city has ever seen. And what is up with that visor? THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN AT TRAINING CAMP.
And I’ve never understood why people smoke cigars. They smell horrible. You don’t inhale them. And along with docksiders, cufflinks and those blue collared business shirts with the white collars, they are pretty much The Ultimate Douche Magnet.
This is probably a good time to check out the Evster’s rankings of the Worst All-Time People in Philadelphia Sports History.
5. Howard Eskin – At this point, the only way, and I mean the ONLY way that Eskin could ingratiate himself to Philly fans would be to put a diamond in his beard like that guy from Robbins 8th and Walnut.
4. Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorf – I was at the Spectrum in 1987 when Hulk Hogan took on Kamala, and Orndorf (pretending to be Kamala’s manager, AND ALSO HOGAN’S FRIEND) backstabbed the Hulkster and piledrove his head into the mat. It’s not that I was necessarily angry at Orndorf for betraying the Hulkster, Hogan was clearly a dork, it was the fact that he ruined Kamala’s chances of becoming the champ! Kamala was amazing! That painted crescent moon on his belly? So cute! RIP Kamala. The Ultimate Ugandan Headhunter. (I have no idea if he’s dead.)
3. Chris Wheeler – Tell us more about why the Astros are playing at double play depth, Wheels. Please tell us more.
2. Rich Kotite – WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST LET RANDALL BE RANDALL
1. Shawn Bradley – A few months ago, I pitched a story to Enrico where I was just going to post “Ten Pictures of Shawn Bradley Sucking” and Enrico shot it down because he said it was too mean.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE THIS IDEA TO BE REVISITED, PLEASE EMAIL ENRICO AT TotalButtheadEditor@the700level.com.
Randall dated Whitney Houston?!
I don’t know how I missed this one, but apparently back in the day, Randall and Whitney Houston spent a weekend together in the Caribbean. In the documentary, Randall claims they were just friends, but Randall is a LIAR. Back in 2012, former teammate Garry Cobb gossiped like a little teenager to Spike Eskin all about Randall and Whit’s relationship. Now while it is unclear as to who is telling the truth and who is LYING, it is very clear that no one calls Whitney Houston, “Whit”. Sorry, Whit. I have no idea why I called you Whit. RIP. (She’s definitely dead.)
Randall’s Yellow Turtleneck Sweater
The picture above was taken on the set of the Randall Cunningham Show, a weekly talk show that was co-hosted by LOU TILLEY, RIP (he’s not dead) and aired on gameday right before The Buddy Ryan Show. And while Randall’s sweater is obviously incredible, can we talk about that suit of armor in the background?!?!
How did that get there? Was there some sort of production meeting where someone thought that was a good idea?
BIG TIME STUDIO EXEC: Hey folks, we need to figure out how to decorate Randall’s set. Any ideas?
ANNOYING PRODUCER: Hmm, maybe some plants? Or we could hang up some sports posters in the back?
BIG TIME STUDIO EXEC: DON’T WASTE MY TIME.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: What about a cool cityscape?
BIG TIME STUDIO EXEC: WHAT ABOUT YOU LOOK FOR A NEW JOB?
INTERN: Um, I have a suit of armor at home. I could maybe bring that in?
BIG TIME STUDIO EXEC: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
INTERN: A suit of armor. Like, an actual suit of armor from the 1300′s. I stole it from the Art Museum one night after getting absolutely blasted on cocaine. I feel like it would look really dope on the left hand side of the set.
BIG TIME STUDIO EXEC: SOLD!
CUTE MAKEUP GIRL: [Smiles and winks at Intern.]
INTERN: [Blushes, and smiles back.]
CUTE MAKEUP GIRL: [Makes blowjob gesture.]
INTERN: [Howls like a wolf.]
Randy Moss Was So, So, So Good
Remember when he destroyed the Cowboys on Thanksgiving day?! STRAIGHT CASH HOMEY!
Highlights of Randall Cunningham Jr.
Yo, they didn’t show nearly enough of little Randall, but that dude runs and throws EXACTLY like his father. He has the same looping arm motion and long strides and is also the nation’s #1 high-jumper and I’m taking him in my fantasy keeper league next year and also DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS A SHAWN KEMP JR?!
(For the record, the above video is HILARIOUS. It was made by some little kid and he does a little intro explaining what you’re about to see and it’s honestly really adorable/so lame because the dunk is FAR from “amazing”.)
Jenn Brown (WOWZERS) Co-hosted the Follow-up Show with Ray Diddles
I see you, Ray Diddles!
I see you!
Also, two N’s in Jenn, Jenn? Get over yourself.
Follow The Evster @TVMWW.
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