Dec 5, 2011, 6:26 PM EST
So, yeah, to answer your first question, that is a moose. And he’s my vote for the Philadelphia 76ers’ new mascot.
Your potential mascots—who, bear in mind, were developed over time by multiple marketing and public relations firms and even have brief biographies so you might more fully connect with them on some type of meaningful emotional level—are…
[pictures, bios and a shocking amount of analysis below]
From the Sixers: One of the most revered figures in American history, and a man who needs no introduction as an honorable representation of this city and nation, “Big Ben” Franklin will now come back to serve Philadelphia yet once again. An avid basketball fan, Big Ben was thrilled to be asked to join Philadelphia sports fans in cheering the 76ers on to greatness. As the Sixers new mascot, he will bring electricity to the Wells Fargo Center, and be a towering presence at Sixers games both figuratively and literally as he stands seven-feet tall.
2. B. Franklin Dogg
From the Sixers: The All-American pet, B. Franklin Dogg is a loyal Philadelphia resident who can be seen in artist drawings from the day nestled under the table beside Ben Franklin as he deliberated on the founding of the nation. In the revolutionary fervor of the times, B. Franklin Dogg proudly wore patriotic colonial garb to show his spirit. Over the years, B. Franklin Dogg was occasionally seen playing with a basketball around the historic landmarks of Philadelphia, before finally making his way down Broad St. to the Wells Fargo Center.
3. Phil E. Moose From the Sixers:
3. Phil E. Moose
From the Sixers:One of the most regal animals to roam the wild, Phil E. Moose certainly fits that bill, standing tall as he represents the Sixers (he stands over seven-feet tall in fact, with the antlers). In his youth, Phil E. Moose would often be seen dunking a basketball with ease, aided by his great height. Throughout his high school, collegiate and professional games, Phil E. Moose was a scoring star, and was excited to learn he had been “traded” to the 76ers in order to entertain fans during games at the Wells Fargo Center.
I’m going to give you a second or two to let all that sink in and an opportunity for you to break whichever items in your immediate surroundings appear expendable.
Hand bandaged? Good.
Alright, let’s be honest, none of these exactly speak to our previous hopes that the team would focus more on the on-the-court product and begin to limit some of the extraneous gar-bage to which ball fans have had to endure. Still, the moment the words “new mascot” were first announced, it made sense to prepare for, in some ways, more of the same.
So, with these options laid out for your vote, you can either stay on your high horse and turn up your nose to this sort of inane childishness, OR you can get on board with my campaign for Phil E. Moose.
See, I’m actually taking his non-existent relationship to anything Philadelphia and/or basketball as a plus. Phil could become the hipster candidate for mascot: he makes so little sense conceptually, it would be a crime not to vote for him. Each stoppage in play could be a reminder of that time we decided to be super-ironic and vote for this inexplicably eligible moose. Plus, just look at that face!
Though, if we’re giving other candidates a fair shake, one would have to assume that B. Franklin’s extra “g” is supposed to imply that he’s rapping canine with an affinity for herb. Otherwise, he’d just be “B. Franklin Dog,” right? We’re calling him Poochie either way.
So…what do you think? Who will you vote for? Will you be voting at all? Is your hand still bleeding? What, specifically, did you break?
Let us know below and head over to the team’s website to help decide which mascot costume you’re the most willing to grin and bear.
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