Aug 9, 2013, 10:06 AM EST
Hi Chip. Big game Friday night. Well, not really. It’s just preseason, it doesn’t really matter, and in the grand scheme of things (and in the grand scheme of the world), this is probably one of the least mattering events of all time. Unfortunately, you coach in a town filled with raging lunatics, so it does kinda matter, even though it doesn’t really even come close to mattering. I guess what really matters here is that you get out of the first quarter without getting LeSean McCoy killed, while also ingratiating yourself to the Philly fans as quickly as possible. So here are a few tips from a life-long Eagles fan on how to make a solid first impression during your coaching debut.
Open up the game with at least seven wide receivers.
How amazing would it be to see the Patriots linebackers scrambling around trying to figure out who to match up against while Michael Vick scanned the field for one of his SEVEN different options? I’m not even sure if you’re allowed to send out seven receivers BUT THAT’S THE BEAUTY OF THE FORMATION, CHIP. You don’t necessarily have to send them all out on patterns, you only need one, Desean Jax, because that guy is FAST. And then BOMB IT TO HIM! That shows the world you mean business!
Let’s simplify things, Coach. In this game, you need one really fast guy and one really good throwing guy, and the Eagles have both. So even if you have seven different options to choose from, you still only have one football, so you gotta throw it to THE FAST GUY. And Michael Vick can seriously throw a football so far. I feel like he can throw a ball further than anyone else, ever. I kind of want him to launch the ball out of the stadium on the first play just to prove a point. Like, “Yeah, I just threw the ball out of the stadium on 1st down, what? I’ve still got 2nd down.” And then on 2nd Down he could chuck it out of the stadium again. And then on 3rd Down he’d probably throw a dump-off pass to Brent Celek for around six yards and then punt, but still THOSE FIRST TWO DOWNS THO.
Send a message.
Your players need to respect you. The fans need to respect you. And there’s no better way than to get your teams’ attention then to kill a man. Maybe it’s a fourth-string lineman who misses an assignment during the 2nd Half. Maybe it’s a ballboy during the pregame pep talk. Either way, someone needs to die. This is how the greatest leaders of our generation — Marlo Stanfield, Gus from Breaking Bad, Jimmy Superfly Snuka — got people to respect them, through fear. Kill someone, Chip, anyone. Or at least grab a facemask. Or spit on someone. I guess now that I think about it, killing someone is a little far-fetched, but there’s gotta be at least one tight end on this 73-man roster who could disappear off the face of the earth and no one would notice. Will Shaw? He’s not even a real person, is he? No good tight end has ever worn #47. Chris Cooley? He sucked. We wouldn’t miss Will Shaw, Chip. We honestly wouldn’t miss him.
Watch out for Don Tollefson.
At some point during Friday’s game, a very strange and overly-chipper man will come up to you and introduce himself and possibly put his arm around your shoulder. This man is a weirdo, Chip, a certifiable weirdo. You must deal with him calmly and patiently, and do not look him in the eyes, Chip, do not look him in the eyes! He’ll probably be holding some sort of microphone that says “ETW” on it which he’ll claim stands for “Eagles Television Network” but that’s not a real network, that’s not even close to a real network. In fact, no one really knows what the hell it is. It’s like this weird, amateur, shitty production company that shows up every August with their shitty graphics and their shitty broadcasters for the sole purpose of telling us how INDISPENSABLE Will Shaw has been during training camp, but THEY’RE LIARS, CHIP. If this Tollefson guy interviews you, just nod and smile and say that you know nothing about any murders in the area, but you’ll be sure to watch the 11 o’clock broadcast of Action News, because you always watch Action News. All true Philadelphians watch Action News, Chip. This is really all you need to know to make friends in this town.
Use those flash card thingies to call plays.
I don’t know if you’re planning on using those flash card thingies like you did at Oregon, but people love those things, especially women (and also me). As of now, there is NO WAY that my wife will allow me to watch Friday night’s game, but if you break out those cards with little pictures of bunnies and frogs and give the viewers at home the opportunity to crack your code, I guarantee your ratings go up. And while I recognize that you probably don’t care about TV ratings or my wife’s happiness, I really really wanna watch the game and can’t handle one more Friday evening watching Say Yes to the Dress.
JK I love that show, but still.
Don’t wear the visor.
Ugh, the visor. You need a different look, Chip. No Philly dude would ever rock a visor. Beanie Sigel? I guarantee you that he owns zero visors. It’s so college and so South Carolina and if you’re gonna wear a visor you might as well wear one of those hanging sunglass necklaces, too. You know what I’m talking about. They’re called Croakies. Ugh, they are the worst. But you need something, Chip, because every great coach has something: Tom Landry had that dumb hat, JoePa had the black Nikes, Walter Matthau had his nose. The 80s are back, so I’d say that you could wear Zubaz, but I feel like that was kinda Buddy Ryan’s thing. Maybe you should wear a helmet? Be the first coach who storms the sidelines wearing a helmet. That would be ahhh-mazzzeee-innggggg. I’m picturing one of those super oversized helmets, kinda like what Lord Helmet wore in Spaceballs. Are you telling me you wouldn’t love a coach who wore a huge helmet?! THIS IS THE GREATEST IDEA I’VE EVER HAD.
Dude, just don’t get Shady killed.
And please consider the whole huge helmet thing.
Well, there you have it, Chip. five absolutely fantastic ideas and one truly phenomenal one. I mean, think about it, you could head-butt everyone!
HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPEN, CHIP?!?!
HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPS?
I ALSO THINK IT’S KINDA COOL THAT OUR COACH’S NAME IS CHIP.
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