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The Evster Repairs the Images of Bynum, Lindros, Rolen and McNabb

Jul 12, 2013, 10:55 AM EDT

I cannot wait to heckle Andrew Bynum when he comes back to the Wells Farg.

I might even make a sign, even though I recognize that there’s nothing lamer than making a sign, and nothing more annoying than sitting behind a fan holding one up. And yet I’m still considering it. Right now my #1 sign idea is: “HEY ANDREW HOW’S THE WEATHER UP THERE JK NO ONE CARES.” I think it’s pretty good.

But the thing is, Bynum didn’t really do anything wrong here. (Yeah, there was the whole bowling thing, but bowling is SUPER FUN and we can’t get mad at a person for bowling.) He was just injured and wanted to make sure he was healthy before cashing in on free agency, and that’s really no reason to hate him. It was just his complete and total apathy for the whole situation that was so maddening. Not once did it ever seem like he understood that we were excited to have him. Not once did it seem like he wanted to dunk on people’s necks. It’s not fun to watch Spencer Hawes play basketball. Andrew didn’t get that, and now he’s leaving town as one of this city’s all-time most hated athletes.

I’m not sure if Andrew cares (in fact, I’m not sure if this guy cares about anything), but I think he might. Because if getting through middle school taught me anything, it’s that most people in this world, deep down, just want to be liked.

And Andrew still could be.

All the guy needs a good public relations person and one thoughtful press release. So I am offering special one-time only pro bono Evster PR services to Andrew (and Eric Lindros, Scott Rolen and Donovan McNabb) to repair their images once and for all.

source:  Andrew Bynum: “Yo, I’m sorry this didn’t work out. I really am. I came to Philly super excited to follow in the footsteps of the great Sixers big men like Wilt and Moses and Shawn Bradley (jk that guy sucked), and be the face of this franchise, but my body just wouldn’t let it happen. I get injured so much and it’s really, really frustrating. I really appreciate the Sixers organization showing confidence in me, trading for me and prying me away from that whack job in Los Angeles, that city is friggin’ bonkers by the way, have you ever been there? People wear jackets there all the time. It’s like, 78 degrees every day, and they still wear jackets. Ridiculous. My time here wasn’t supposed to end like this, and yes, I admit the bowling thing was stupid, but I friggin’ love bowling. Cherry soda? Amazing. Those old school jawns with the plastic cups and the seltzer shoots out and then the syrup? You can’t beat that! After being laid up for a while, I just wanted to get out of the house and roll a few frames with the fellas, but them lanes is slippery! You know them lanes is slippery! So I’m sorry, but I’ve got to move on, and I’m sure you understand that. Best of luck to the organization. Best of luck to Nerlens, I know how hard coming back from injuries can be. I really hope Cleveland has good sandwiches. You guys got some good-ass sandwiches here. Yo, you seriously got some good-ass sandwiches here. Y’all should be proud. Peace.”

source:  Eric Lindros: “Not sure if you guys are aware of this, but during my time here I suffered a bunch of brain injuries, which means I suffered injuries to my BRAIN. Do you get that? Do you understand what I’m saying there? I’m not even sure if I understand, because my brain is broken and I have trouble understanding things, but I want you to try and understand that THERE’S AN “S” AFTER THE WORD INJURY BECAUSE I HAD MULTIPLE MULTIPLE MULTIPLE BRAIN INJURIES. I wanted that Stanley Cup, I really did, but THE WHOLE THING WITH MY BRAIN AND IT GETTING INJURED AND ALL, I just wasn’t able to make it happen. I always wanted to be the next Gretzky or Lemieux or Messier, but when my BRAIN STARTED TO SWELL UP INSIDE OF MY SKULL, I started to make some really poor decisions. Also, my dad is a total whack job. Ugh, parents, am I right? Can’t live with ‘em, do you guys hear a doggie? I think I hear a doggie. Sorry that I wasn’t able to achieve my goals here, but I’m very thankful for, do you hear a doggie? I definitely hear a doggie. I’m going to go find that doggie. Here, doggie! Here, doggie!”

source:  Scott Rolen: “I am a white person from Indiana who was drafted by a professional sports team that plays its home games in the murder capital of the world. And still, I feel like I gave you guys six solid seasons of hustle, grit and ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE DEFENSE I MEAN DID YOU SEE SOME OF THOSE PLAYS I MADE. But the Vet turf, I mean, that Vet turf?!?! You saw that guy on the Bears blow out both of his ACLs. HE BLEW OUT BOTH OF HIS ACLS! I’m from Indiana for God’s sake! I needed to get back there. People from St. Louis and the Midwest are so nice. Yeah, they also commit murders, but there’s plenty of great parking available in downtown St. Louis and people in this town park in the middle of Broad Street! Who does that? You can just park in the middle of the street? This place is lawless. And why is everyone in this town always yelling at each other? Must be the humidity. I just had to get out of here. I’m sure you understand. His ACLs literally exploded out of his legs. He was screaming.”

source:  Donovan McNabb: “You gotta see how much food they give you during Super Bowl week. Everywhere you go, there’s just buffet tables and spreads and little dishes of peanuts and pretzels and Chex Mix, you wouldn’t think Chex Mix was that delicious, but it is, and by the time that 4th quarter rolled around, I was queasy as a mugg. Plus, went to Olive Garden the night before, which was obviously a mistake, but dude, free breadsticks and salad?!?! How do you turn that down? Literally, as many breadsticks as you can eat. So sorry about the puking. I wanted to win, I really did, but I also wanted to just eat some breadsticks. You understand. How do you guys not like me? I played basketball at Syracuse for God’s sake! That’s so cool. Devendorf? Sherman Douglas! Please get off my back. Remember that scramble against the Redskins? Doug Pederson seriously sucked though, right, we can at least agree on that. You don’t even have to like me, I really don’t care, but can we just agree that Doug Pederson sucked so much butt? Do you know that he’s now Andy Reid’s offensive coordinator in Kansas City? That’s unbelievable. Shawn Bradley was seriously the worst, though, c’mon, let’s be honest. Shawn Bradley? Seriously? #76? C’mon. Hook shots? Hook shots??!?! C’mon, guys. C’mon. C’mon, man. Seriously. Shawn Bradley?”

If you want to hire The Evster to handle your clients’ public relations, follow him @TVMWW.

  1. Steve - Jul 12, 2013 at 1:28 PM

    Lindros’ image was repaired when he came back to play in the Winter Classic alumni game. I think he’s fine.

    Reply
    • theevster - Jul 12, 2013 at 2:40 PM

      He’s fine, but his lasting image in this town is still face down in LA LA LAND after that Scott Stevens WAMMARAMMA and not the big, bad, bruising Hart Trophy winner it maybe should be.

      Also, I have no idea what the Hart Trophy is.

      Reply
      • Mark - Jul 14, 2013 at 10:21 AM

        Then why for !@#$s sake are you commenting on it; what a do*che bag!

    • Mark - Jul 14, 2013 at 10:20 AM

      Steve well said and i truly believe that everyone was waiting for the oppty.to end this feud. I know about Quebec, his parents, and the difficukties with medical staff. But this is a kid who has been a star since before he was 15, was a national hero winning two gold medals for Canada before he was 20. my point is that eric had trust issues. Many people may not know this but Claude Boiven, stole one of Lindros’s sticks for his girlfriend and Lindros whipped his arse inparactice. So he had reasons for trust issues as everyone in his life wanted something from him. That would cause trust issues with me. Then your boyhood idle, basically tells you to get th n*pple out of your mouth. I’m not saying Lindros was innocent, but he did almost die in th bathtub, watched his younger brother(imagine your younger brother who you played with and against for 15 years, can’t play hockey anymore: thats a tough pill to swallow. D#mn Red Wings series we win that and he is a Philadelphia treasure!

      Reply
  2. Kunk - Jul 12, 2013 at 1:32 PM

    I can’t believe McNabb said those awful things about Shawn Bradley. How could he? Somebody needs to reign this guy in, because he is out of control.

    (Speaking of out of control, have y’all seen the Miley Cyrus jawn? Bonks. If Andrew Bynum showed up to a presser and played that video instead of speaking, I’d forgive him on the spot.)

    Reply
    • Enrico Campitelli Jr. - Jul 12, 2013 at 1:34 PM

      @Kunk: who cares about Miley Cyrus?!?

      Reply
    • Fuckmeright - Jul 12, 2013 at 1:40 PM

      What Miley Cyrus jawn?

      Reply
      • Kunk - Jul 12, 2013 at 2:04 PM

        What Miley Cyrus jawn? WHAT MILEY CYRUS JAWN?

        Oh you mean you don’t know ’bout this little ditty called “We Can’t Stop”, which has over 60 million views (just the 60 mil) on the YouTubers? That inspired Rebecca Black (yes, THE Rebecca Black) to do a super SERS (#GETSERIOUS) acoustic remake?

        Apparently I’m the only hoo hoo hoo hoo cares about this.

        (Pls send help)

  3. robbo138 - Jul 12, 2013 at 9:20 PM

    With the recent increased public awareness of concussions and their potential long lasting effects, Lindros has been forgiven.
    Rolen is arguably the best defensive 3rd basemen of all-time. I’ve always been fine with the fact that he didn’t want to remain on a chronically bad Phillies team. Who wants to lose all the time?
    McNabb is the most successful QB in franchise history. Despite never winning the SB, those years were the most fun we had as Eagles fans. Although he had plenty of faults, I’d rather have a QB who under-threw a WR than one who over-throws, ie Vick and his INTS.
    Bynum, I can’t really justify. Being injured is one thing, but he never seemed to care. At least that’s the impression I was left with.

    Reply
    • Mark - Jul 14, 2013 at 10:28 AM

      great post buddy:
      Have to disagree with your assesment of rolen but he was one heckuva 3rd baseman, maybe to 5. If Mcnabb and Lindros win us each a championship as i said before they would be Philadeklphis treasures for life.
      Now:But the thing is, Bynum didn’t really do anything wrong here. Except grab 16 million dollars take Iggy(ok) and a few draft picks from us for NOTHING! maybe it’s because the wound is fresher but I put him in the category of Chris Webber and Shawn Andrews: Big babies!

      Reply
  4. Frat - Jul 15, 2013 at 3:43 PM

    Hey, Mark. How big is the K on your keyboard?

    Reply
  5. Jason R. - Jul 16, 2013 at 3:26 AM

    Remember the good old days when 700L commenters were able to understand and appreciate tongue-in-cheek comedic posts?

    Reply

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